Although I am not a clinician, I feel comfortable saying that I have a high degree of expertise in understanding the behaviors and patterns of sociopathy, I garnered my knowledge by foolishly choosing continual suffering under sociopaths’ "rule" for more than 15 years. These choices were made in all walks of life, my personal relationships, my business partnerships, and worst of all...BOTH. Surely being in such a single relationship for 15 years, and experiencing the lasting impact of such insidious behavior would give anyone wisdom and cause great despair. Yet in some ways, I look upon my experience covering multiple sociopathic relationships in that time frame with gratitude, because what I am clear on is that I was able to learn that the patterns of each of these sociopathic individuals differ very little. This awareness can be quite empowering. Knowing their calculating mind grants us, at varying levels, power over their "games" and a clearer escape route when we realize that leaving is the only correct option. This I know. I specialize in helping people out of these relationships, because it is what I know and what I must do!
Upon finally
obtaining the knowledge of traits, patterns, and deviant behaviors—the many red
flags—I was granted a keen clarity as I moved past that life. This awareness is
what gave me the ability to steer clear of sociopaths over the last seven
years...and steer clear still yet today. I spot them with relative ease...and
sure it is always conceivable that I could be wrong at times in my somewhat
quick assessments, but I spend little time pondering that. Rather, I choose to
only surround myself in love and anything in contrast to that can be easily
released. That decision to surround myself in only Love is what led to my next
awakening. The awakening was to
understanding the vastly different, although in some ways remotely the same,
strategies of the narcissist.
I have now
come to realize that I sort of grouped sociopathy and narcissism in the same
category, to my huge detriment. It is when we are blind to any truth that we
can be bitten by it. Now I assuredly and with conviction include narcissism in
my repertoire of knowledge. It is the fact that the elements of behavior are a
distinctively different modus operandi, that caused me to almost miss the
reality of the trap I was poised to enter.
Any of us can
conclude that engaging with those with no conscience is unbearable...yet the
element of surprise in the entanglement with a narcissist might feel even more
readily unrecoverable, once you are destroyed by it; as if any annihilation
could be measured as "worse."
This avoidable pain is why we must educate and help people see the truth
and signs of all these unconscionable beings, regardless of what label might be
suitable. I choose to make increasing awareness of the prevalence of these
individuals part of my life purpose, thereby giving meaning to my previous
suffering and reward for my past pain.
Granted,
there certainly is overlap of characteristics in these dark shadow
dwellers...but from my perspective the game is played quite differently between
a sociopath and a narcissist, which is how I managed to be partly deceived
again this last year. This time,
thankfully, my past experiences made me aware and observant and allowed me to
acknowledge in my mind and heart the possibility that all that was being shown
to me was, well, just a lie. THIS awareness makes it much less painful,
but painful nonetheless. Because of my willingness to acknowledge that someone
could betray at such a depth, I was released from the debilitating destruction
that I would have otherwise known. Yet encountering that experience, gave me
insight into a new level of pain caused by the sudden and complete disregard
that I understand now is pure narcissism.
The variance
in strategy between these two harmful beings is measurable and can catch you a
bit off guard if you don't consider the stark difference.
Similarities
between Sociopaths and Narcissists in my experience
- The claim they have never been loved like this
before.
- They often state that no one has ever understood
them as you do.
- They desire to move quickly, (marriage, live together, children) and claim a once-in-a-lifetime love. Of course they must move quickly so they trap you, before you see the truth!
- They talk about Soul mates, spiritual connection, twin flames, and many lifetimes together.
- They claim they have been victimized/betrayed/crucified by those they loved and trusted.
- They long to find their path again, or for the first time.
- They both strive to isolate you.
- They both lie to accomplish whatever their goal is in the moment.
- There is a mystique or aura of attraction—a charisma (at least to those that are asleep, once awake, that feeling is more like nausea).
Similarities; with a subtle and critical difference
- Devoted claims of Love, a forever mentality, a
honeymoon phase.
The sociopath
though, loves intermittently. You get doused in it...then you see some anger
and hate, then you get doused in love again, and then you see anger and hate
and so on. You keep believing in the relationship because when you are doused
in the love it feels so good that you keep trying to behave better so you can
get that love back. Part of that behavior is not seeing and doing things that
upset him. Often the most paramount thing that creates issues is the intensity
of his/her jealousy so you feel forced to isolate from everyone to avoid his/her
wrath.
The
narcissist "loves" so amazingly, that you almost are no longer
grounded in reality...at all. It is like
you are in a state of Euphoria...surreal...a love beyond earthly possibilities and
you never want to lose it, so you are 100% devoted and will even isolate
yourself with little effort on his/her part. You want more of the beautiful,
never before feeling of being loved, even though it is only an illusion.
- They are both bullies. The narcissist is more subtle
in his/her bullying technique. The sociopath bullies by often diminishing
and controlling you. The narcissists' bullying is often held until you
question or push back on "his/her majesty." The sociopath has a
better awareness of his/her deviance and cruelty. The narcissist, has awareness, but
cannot accept it, because to accept it would mean he would have to
acknowledge he was not the pure goodness, god-like being he chooses to believe he/she is.
- Whatever went wrong is ultimately our fault, although this is presented quite differently with a sociopath vs. a narcissist. They both blame. The sociopaths' blame is wrapped in the idea, that you are a bad person, that you have bad intentions. The narcissists' is more about insisting you failed to love them as devotedly as they love you, leaving you with the impression that you can fix this.
- They both objectify you, one for control, the other for attention/supply. Realizing
this means that neither one, no matter what you may see or feel to the
contrary, have the slightest consideration that you are a human, with true
feelings and emotions.
For a
sociopath: You are simply an object that
they wish to manipulate and control.
For a
narcissist: You are simply an object to provide their source of love and
adoration, which is defined by stroking their ego to continually, perpetually,
reinforce their god-like image. It is almost a worship, and they make
themselves seem worthy of it.
- They both criticize you, one to make you small, the
other to "help guide you."
A sociopath
is more overt than the narcissist,
they talk about the devoted love and wanting the two of you nestled in a
"cocoon of love," but they are less like a god and more like a
victim..."but I have been so harmed by people that were supposed to love
me" and you feel you want to heal them and make them whole. You want to
behave so as not to betray them. They speak of betrayal by all those before
you...so you are devoted to absolute loyalty, on a tightrope to never betray
them.
A narcissist
is more covert: They present
themselves to model the behavior they want to receive from you. They reflect a
certain level of "nobility," "sacred love," a sense that they
long for that dream love they have always wanted, that they have given but
never received. You are set up to feel you must aspire to that level of pure
Love...devoted of course to them, as they claim he/she will be to you. He/she
speaks of being misunderstood, always doing good, yet crucified nonetheless,
much like Christ. He/she doesn't understand why people turn on him/her,
genuinely, they don't understand. They
do not accept the truth about themselves.
Illustration of the Subtle
Differences from My Perspective
Sociopath vs. Narcissist
Sociopath says: "It is all your fault because if
you didn't do that, I would not have done this..."
You are saying to yourself, what just
happened? I didn't do anything wrong.
Why is he telling me I did? You
are clear you didn't do anything wrong, but you feel the need to not hurt him
again, betray him, so you rein in your behavior. You are focused on not harming
him.
He/she says this so you will behave
better next time—you will be more careful not to hurt him, make him jealous, say
something wrong, you will act better, behave, so you will not hurt him, like so
many before you have.
You are now being controlled.
So in essence
a sociopath shames you—you are a bad person (tramp, slut,
whore, liar, thief) and then you feel guilty
and begin to doubt yourself. Wow, am
I that? Behavior you always thought was okay, suddenly makes you feel dirty
or bad, and so you change your behavior. You think, if he just needs me to rein in this so he can feel more secure, then I
should. He/she will love me, once they
know I would never hurt them.
So with a
sociopath you are trying to get them to see you as the good person you are. You
try and prove you are not the slut, tramp, liar he/she says you are.
Yet, you
never will.
Narcissist: They are more subtle, a sort of,
"I told you it would hurt me if you did this, and now you have done this...such pain you cause me."
You are saying, "Wow, he/she did
tell me that these were things he didn't want me to do, and I guess I did kind
of do that...wow I feel so bad." The narcissist is a little better at
positioning things so that the guilt/shame he puts on you seems more
real...like there is just enough truth in it, based on how he set things up.
Like if you heed his/her guidance you will somehow be a better person. You are
focused on Loving him as he describes he deserves.
He/she says things in this manner so
you will love them more completely, more fully devote yourself to them...it is
about getting more love from you, more strokes to his/her fragile ego—as this
is not surprising since it is, of course, all about him/her.
So in essence
a narcissist guilts you—presents to
you the opportunity for growth. He claims that you didn't love him the way a
person that loves him should. This is especially
true if you question or push back on him/her.
He/she will say things like "and she says she knows me" or
"how could you think this of me? Big problem if you believe this of
me!" As a result you feel shame
and you try harder to love him more devotedly; you know, as well as he loves
you. And he does love you well...it just isn't real.
So with a narcissist, you are trying to love him as he/she deserves/requires to be loved, so that you will be worthy of him/her staying with you, so you will continue to be the chosen one and therefore receive his/her devoted love.
The
distinction is this:
With a
sociopath: You failed to be a good
person.
With a
narcissist: You failed to love him/her like they deserve/require.
The Sociopath is constantly reaching out, touching
base claiming they are missing you, desiring you...loving you, especially in
your absence. They want to see you receive this well because then they know
they can delude you. They pursue you
hard and long. They are relentless.
What they are really doing is hunting
you and assessing your whereabouts so they know what you are doing, who you are
with—it's all about control. You feel loved by all the devoted attention, you
feel you must be really important...you do not see it as stalking, you see it
as loving attention.
A sociopath chooses you and then hooks
you, and he knows you are hooked when he can control you...financially,
spiritually, emotionally, mentally etc.
The Narcissist may frequently reach out...yet it is
sometimes only at first, although
this is not always the case. They want to see who will devote themselves to
them...make them the center of their world, so they invite you to call, reach
out. They tell you how important and happy it makes them feel when you do show
them love, attention, value their work or efforts and when we comply as the
devoted supporter, they tell us how beautiful we are, how they are so lucky to
have found us, that we are the most important person in their life, their
priority, and away we go to our destruction. They are better than any other at
responding to you, and mimicking what you need, want, desire...the perfect
person...whose persona is nothing more than whatever it has to be to get your
devoted love, praise, adoration—Supply. They
want to be pursued, admired, ideally—worshipped.
What they are really doing is seeing
if you will turn all your attention on them., At an unconscious level they
believe they need your air being breathed into them to survive. They experience a sense of being nothing
without your supply.
A narcissist chooses you based on how
you respond to them, how you love them, how much you stroke their ego and make
them feel like they are bigger than life, important, talented; that is their
fuel.
Very
Important Distinctive Difference in Behaviors
Sociopath: The mask slips rather frequently on a
sociopath. Their evil is more present, more visible and yet we excuse it away.
We see their acts of cruelty, their violent/aggressive/critical words/ and
actions...but they manage to control us and convince us that what they just did
was just a result of their troubled childhood, they want to be better, they
will be better, because we are worth it. They wouldn't have done such cruel
things if we hadn't said or done whatever we did. Then they will blame, yell, scream, diminish,
insult, call us names...but then
they ask for our empathy, which is both our greatest strength and our greatest
weakness. They will ask us to understand that their wound is so deep because of
their past and so we forgive. Of course we still believe we are to blame, we
will have to behave better next time, so as not to hurt and upset them so much.
It is the least we can do for their poor hurting souls.
This is a
huge distinction because, this is what should have been our red flag. This is
where the obvious warning rests...and if we heeded it we would save ourselves. If
we simply asked ourselves if we would do what we witnessed them do, we might
realize and label their behavior as cruel, and begin to decide we need to get
out.
Later, when
we are out and awake, we can see this and say...we should have known better.
Remember though both narcissists and sociopaths use their "charm"
to charm us under their spell. We want
to believe in them, and they want it that way.
There is an
expression by Dolly Parton "The first time someone shows you their
true colors, believe them." From
this day forward...
Narcissist:
Because they want you to pursue them, they are extraordinary at making
us feel devotedly and consistently loved.
They do this for one reason; so they can get their supply. Uniquely then, their mask does not slip as
much as a sociopath's. They only want someone that will give them everything
they need, so they present a nearly flawless, love-filled being to you. So,
they don't hunt, as much as choose. They choose you, and you feel chosen,
a sense of being the "lucky one."
They lure you in, but then observe just how devoted to them you will
be. If you don't come through, they try and spur you on, but if nothing
satisfies them, then they move to the next person in waiting, without much
warning to you. There are shifts, if you
know what to look for, like shorter and less frequent contacts, less pouring on
of love...this is their trolling phase where they ignite those in the wings to
come to the center.
While you are
coming through for them with your devotion to their level of expectation or
beyond, wow, you will get the illusion of love, honor and support of a
lifetime...for awhile anyway. Until the discard. You will see little drops in
the mask, a sort of hot and cold behavior if you push back or question
them. If you continue to disagree with
them, you will soon be gone. Ultimately,
the discard occurs because it is impossible for anyone to satisfy the
unquenchable need for love, attention and adoration these empty, seemingly soulless
individuals require. Imagine you are breathing into a balloon that is the size
of our planet, and imagine incessantly blowing the air into it, to fill
it...and when you attempt to gather your breath and strength to continue your
devoted desire to give all you have...they are already gone, disgusted by your
pause...it happens before you know what happened. The mask begins to slip when
they are ready for the discard, and often not before, aside from glimpses if
you push back or question. That sudden death, is the part that is so impossible
to grasp...ON...OFF. Period. Very little
warning, it is just done. This is the part that is so difficult to comprehend
and causes the horrible experience of cognitive dissonance. What did I do wrong? He/she
Loved me so devotedly? Suddenly, you are dead to them, as long as they
have another fulfilling source; although, they will attempt to keep you in the
wings....they realize they might need you, their OBJECT and source, soon. When
they contact you, they expect you to be ready to restore all your love to them.
The
Termination from My Perspective
The nature of
the "ending" is a significant
important difference.
Sociopath: This
relationship is over on his/her terms.
And if you ever try and end it they will try everything to stop
you...everything; charm, violence, deceit, crime, set-ups, threaten their
suicide, threaten your death, revealing your secrets...you name it. He/she MUST have someone to control and if
you leave on your terms, then they FAILED, LOST...that cannot happen. Sociopaths are in some ways more
evil...because their intention from the beginning was to harm, control, WIN.
That is the part that makes sociopathy harder to grasp. How can someone be so cruel?
It is this
refusal to release that is so shocking and unbearable. You want to get free and
you can't. They keep finding new ways to trap you, guilt you, shame
you...overpower you. No limits on what
they will do to keep you. And as long as
they feel in control...it is all good—for them.
The sociopath
fades away when he is clear he no longer controls you. Once you take your power back, he/she is
having no fun. (In the case of having children with one, it is sadly rarely if
ever over, as the pawn is the child(ren) in the game that he leverages and uses
to control you. Certainly there are things you can do to help manage through
these difficulties, but it is a sad scenario indeed).
Narcissist: The
narcissist seems less aware of just how evil he/she is. They come into every
relationship just blindly looking for that fuel, love, adoration, praise...the
world in their mind, revolves around them...and they see no issue or challenge
with that?! They believe that they cannot
live without the fuel for their ego, they can never be empty of fuel. So in essence they need a harem, or a supply
that goes broad and deep. They don't see this as an issue. In their confused
minds they are giving love, so what is the problem? Yet, they cannot really give love...they are
simply mimicking the kind of behavior that they know they must do to get their
supply. If you relinquish some of your devotion, lessen their supply or show
the slightest inkling that you are questioning
their superior self...you are being
moved to the discard pile. Thou shall not
question thy King! Then BOOM gone, UNLESS, the new chosen one fails to
comply, then he will return with his/her "love" and charm...and
attempt to lure you back in, and if he/she is successful, your pain will be
twice as bad as you recover from yet another discard.
The search
for devoted souls never ends for them, and you are always in play, unless
he/she knows there is nothing for them from you anymore. The lack of evidence
of evil that virtually does not appear in any meaningful way until the end is
near, is what I feel makes the discard so shocking and unbearable. This is like
the death of a loved one in a sudden car crash—no preparation time to prepare
for the loss, all you loved is just gone and it is devastating. There were
little to no signs it might end until the end was nearly upon you, whereas with
sociopathy, you know there is trouble, you experience his/her hate, you just
keep hoping beyond hope it will all resolve and you will get that love back you
once felt. This is why I say recovery from narcissistic "love" is so
difficult, because you can't go back and see the evil like we can with
sociopathy, so you just feel you screwed up, somehow it was your fault, it had
to be, nothing else makes sense. But hear me; it wasn't your fault.
The
narcissist fades away when he/she can no longer get your attention, adoration,
love—supply. As I said he/she may
return, and he/she will expect his/her ample dose of supply. Whenever he/she
returns, once a week, once a month, once a year, he/she expects your full
cooperation and anticipates you will devote yourself completely. Once there is
a full release, although devastating...it at least allows for no contact, which
you need in order to recover and yet you will not want to have no contact.
Both of these
relationships are addictive in that you want more of what you know you should
not have. And neither of these individuals truly LOVE anything. They are
incapable of love. YOU must embrace that
to move forward.
Considerations and a Metaphor to Exemplify the Differences
Remember both
traits can exist in one individual. Most of us have some narcissistic traits,
wanting validation, attention, to be adored, loved...but it is the willingness
to give that to others in true unconditional form that distinguishes us from
"them." A sociopath, instead
just wants control...the rest is unimportant, no matter how important they may
delude you into believing anything else is, controlling you is all that matters.
Know that
this psychopathy does not discriminate; perpetrator and victim can be either
gender.
A dear friend
of mine gave me a metaphor of a narcissist and sociopath in the water. I
expounded on it and believe this metaphor depicts the experience in each type
of relationship reasonably well:
Imagine being
in the water...
If you are with a sociopath: He has little doubt that he can swim,
but all that really matters to him is that you too are in the water. In every
moment he is calculating, how can I manipulate or harm this person so I can win
whatever contrived game I have conjured in my head. As a result, he will take
pleasure in pretending he can't swim, at which time you will swim to rescue
him, as you have so many times before. He will of course, pull you under,
because he can. You decide he is just panicking, and try harder to save him.
But he is not pulling you under because he is panicking, no, he is just pulling
you under because he can. He does not concern himself as to whether or not you
can breathe, or whether or not you are okay, he is just purely taking pleasure
in manipulating you into helping him, watching how hard you are trying to save
him, and in the end, if he is standing on your head and you are underwater, he
won. That simple. Later, he will tell you how he was panicked,
he is so sorry, how he never meant to harm you. And it will never happen
again. He may even express a fleeting
second of gratitude, coupled with how if you were really trying to save him you
would have done a better job.
So my advice
is, if you are with a sociopath, and he screams for help in the water...from a
distance say "I know you can do it honey!
I hope you pull this off!"
And you know what? He easily
will, and then he will tell the story of his/her near death experience and how
you idly watched him suffer. And knowing
you didn't respond to his/her performance demanding assistance, he will now know
you just aren't going to be as much fun anymore. So he will raise the stakes,
try harder to garner a reaction from you.
Note that the less you save him, the freer you will become. Once you are
empowered to not rescue him, you are positioned to find your way out. A
sociopath is more aware than a narcissist of the harm he causes. A sociopath is
just focused on winning, defined by controlling you in whatever way he decides.
If you are with a narcissist: He believes he cannot swim and cannot
learn to swim without someone else to help him. He feels he needs someone else
for his/her survival. So seeing you in the
water, he will naturally start climbing up you to get to the source, air, but
he is not doing this to harm you. He really isn't even paying attention to you.
He is just thinking about himself, his/her survival and getting to the surface.
He sees you there and says there she is,
there is my means of getting my source of air!
I am so grateful to be in the water with this person/object. What would
I do without this person/object? Oh they are so beautiful to me right now. And we of course are
happy to help him get to the surface. He is not trying to drown us, he is just
taking himself to the surface in the only manner he sees that will work. The
hard part about being in the water with a narcissist is given his/her mask seldom
slips you can't even imagine abandoning him...so you save the love of your
life. You devote every ounce of energy you have to this effort. Now you can
hardly breath, you are exhausted...you have nothing left to give. You are no
longer focused on him you are catching your breath to recover, so he is done
with you. No supply = No value.
The
narcissist is more self deluded. He doesn't get that he is evil. He can't
accept that because acknowledging that would destroy him in his mind. Actually,
it might begin to set him free, if only he could accept the truth of his nature.
The most
important thing to remember is that either way YOU are ultimately going to
drown. Don't get in the water...and if you are in the water, swim to safety
without him/her.
In the end,
the label means nothing. What matters,
is your peace, well being and happiness.
Copyright
2014 by Diana Iannarone
If this strikes a chord with you, consider buying my book:
Me and My Shadow
Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom.
On Amazon: http://tinyurl.com/Book-and-Kindle
