It Shall be Restored and Valued More for its Beauty

Being free from the abuse, all I could see was that every noble cause and purpose I thought my life was based on was an illusion. I lived, at many levels, in a fantasy world, and now all the characters that I fantasized would bring love and family to my life were evaporated. In reality, they never existed.

How do you pick up the pieces and move on?

I not only didn’t know how to take care of myself, I didn’t want to. It was like sitting in a hole in the ruins of my life; a deep hole. I could even see there was a rope hanging down the center of that hole. I remember seeing that imaginary rope, but being unable or unwilling to reach for it. I would not climb. I had been climbing my whole life only to discover I never really left the hole. Given that, it seemed wiser and easier and logical to just sit there. No more throwing ropes, no more reaching for ropes. I will just sit. I was exhausted, and I was devastated. I had worked so hard only to find myself alone. Even though I wanted to be free of the abuse, I had forgotten that without the abuse I would truly be alone.

At the time, I recall being discouraged that recovery wasn't feeling like the easy part. I felt I had gotten free and now it should be easy. However, I had to see and feel the devastation I had so carefully ignored and denied. That part wasn't easy.

Thankfully, I would come to understand that compared to the hell I had already lived, this would actually be the easy part, although it didn't seem so at first. It is the easy part because now no one else is controlling you, no one else is beating you down, and no one else is manipulating you. Now, though, you have to contend with the person who caused you the most pain, the most suffering, the worst abuser of all—You.

Yes, the worst abuser of all was who I was left to contend with. A great healer and friend coined a term for my behavior: “self-sociopath.” By self-sociopath, he was suggesting that I continually caused or allowed harm to be bestowed on me, without feeling the need to make it stop. Even at moments when I would decide to stop the abuse, and believed I should stop the abuse, I would go out and repeat the same pattern again. Not this time. I had finally broken the pattern. The "self-sociopath," was now Awake.

I felt these words were the right words today. They were an excerpt from my book Me and My Shadow, Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom, and I want to affirm it is possible, it is possible to climb out of that hole no matter how insurmountable it may feel. I talk to people everyday just sitting in the space those words describe. And I know that it is so easy to believe there is no way out...that hole is too deep, we are too tired, but sometimes we just have to allow ourselves to sit in that hole and acknowledge that it is the best we can do today, that we have nothing more to offer, and that is okay. While we sit, we have to allow ourselves to feel, we mustn't resist experiencing our pain. As we release our emotions and embrace our suffering with love, we strengthen ourselves.

I remember when I was in that hole I was reading "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert, trying to soothe my aching soul. And as I read, in my numbness, in my weakness, in my inability to climb...I read these words:

“Someday you're gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You'll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing...”
― Elizabeth Gilbert

And at that moment, I suddenly realized, I was grieving, I was grieving the loss of the dream. It is so hard to wake up to the truth about the delusion we allowed.  But the alternative is to stay in it...giving your heart and soul, the fullness of yourself into an empty hole of another that can never be restored...instead sit quietly in the hole that is the depths of your despair, and soon you will climb out...and be wiser, stronger, and far more aware.

While you sit, unable to climb, there will be people who will yell down that hole...some will tell you to get up, that you are taking too long, that you should have climbed out already. Some may even ridicule or talk behind your back about how dramatic you are being or how you should have recovered from this "little incident," one that they of course have never endured, or they would know, they would understand. Sometimes, if you are really lucky, someone, jumps down into that hole with you. They may have nothing to say...they may just hold you, or perhaps say something that touches your soul and reminds you that your timing is perfect and they love as you are. If you are lucky enough to have that gift, then your strength to find your way up that rope may be quicker, but you do not need that to make it, you need you. You need to remember that you have the power within you to change your life. You have the power within you to stand against adversity because you have, time and time again. And once you restore your brokenness, you will arise with a new awareness, a recognition that all the while, all your life, all you really had to do, was trust that knowing, trust that small voice and then use what was once your dormant power, to Stand. 

As Gavin DeBecker says in The Gift of Fear:

" 'No" is a word that must never be negotiated, because the person who chooses not to hear it is trying to control you…  Declining to hear "no" is a signal that someone is either seeking control or refusing to relinquish it."

Five years ago, when I stepped out of the hole for good, I learned the power of the word NO...and I live to inspire all people to do the same.  Just like in the draught my eight foot deep lagoon, looked like nothing but a hole, a barren place where there was no life, in time it was restored to its wondrous beauty with abundant life. WE are responsible for the quality of our life and the way in which we love and live, and no one defines us, no one controls us, and no one can diminish us, unless we allow it. And once we realize this, once we get this, we truly begin to Live Freely.

In that regard, this Rascal Flatts video seemed a perfect message to accompany my words today. We mustn't resolve to the idea that someone else must "stand by" us, although we all long for and love that...sometimes, we just have "stand by" ourselves. We can be our own hero.  Never forget. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zWykYq_Z13w

Copyright © 2014 by Diana Iannarone

If this strikes a chord with you, consider buying my book:

Me and My Shadow

Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom.

On Amazon: http://tinyurl.com/Book-and-Kindle

What are the Consequences When We Choose to Ignore What is Right in Front of Us?

When we were children we looked everywhere in wonder. We noticed what was all around us. We weren't hell bent on denial, or ignoring the truth. We sought the in the moment presence  and beauty in everything and everyone, until we realized some of that hurt. We began to narrow our focus, turn away from what was hard to see, numb to aspects of life that at some level we knew were true, but we didn't want to see. We began to change our joy and love into fear and confusion. Our circumstances began to define us and many times we started to believe we were helpless to change the conditions of our lives. And as children, that is largely true. And the younger we are, the more true it is. Once we become adults however, we always have the power to change our circumstances. Our awareness of that power will be dependent upon how much we were forced to endure; how much we allowed our power to be hidden for fear of repercussions. Our experiences will determine the actions we believe we need to take or not take to survive in life. In the state of mind where we perceive we are powerless, where we are in a pattern of such vigilance that we can't even slow down or rest enough to see the truth of our lives, we detach from parts of our reality. I call this existence, being asleep in our lives. Might there be a place in your life that you are asleep?

What if it is possible that the truth is always in front of us, and the question becomes what are we willing to see? Consider for a moment that before you, at all times, is a mosaic or a mural representing your life, and we are routinely simply choosing to see the pieces of that life that we decide to see, or the pieces we can handle seeing or merely what we want to see. What are the consequences when we choose to ignore what is right in front of us, or choose to only see what is in the periphery, or vice versa?

This decision to delude ourselves, to ignore the truth that at some depth of existence we know is  there, can be devastating. How many times have we had an inner prompting, a voice that tells us to look, listen or investigate, especially where abuse is concerned? A voice that says something isn't right, or someone is deceiving us, or even harming us and we ignore it? We ignore it for many reasons, but the largest one, is it takes courage to look at the things when we know if we face them, we will have to acknowledge truths we don't want to acknowledge and, we will then have to DO something about it. We get comfortable in our comfort zone, even if in that space we are actually uncomfortable! The discomfort has become comfortable; a sad premise. We accept what we have come to know, even if what we have come to know is in opposition to Love.

So often people stay in abusive situations...and there are so many reasons. Perhaps they are denying the truth because they want to believe someday this abuser will truly change and everything will get better, or they have begun to believe what the abuser has told them, that they are worthless and that no one else can love them, or perhaps they just don't want to deal with all that would need to change in their life if they were to face and feel the pain of their current environment or circumstance, or they are just too tired to gather their courage and stand.

You see though, the quality of our lives is commensurate with our willingness to look all around us and seek THE TRUTH...and then stand for what is on a foundation of Love...Love of ourselves most of all. For if we do not love ourselves fully...we have that much less to give. Love is boundless and eternal, yet, without embracing it in every part of ourselves, we are quickly drained of our strength, of our life force, of our reason for being—Love.

Perhaps these excerpts From Me and My Shadow, Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom, will resonate:

Perhaps you will feel discouraged after you wake up to see whatever you were choosing to ignore. You may find yourself looking back at all of the times you spotted a red flag, or had some kind of inner prompting that you were at risk, and chose to sleep through it. It may feel discouraging that it took you so much time, that you lost so much. As you now acknowledge those feelings of doubt, that were there but ignored, you may begin to want to badger yourself for your failing. I encourage you to not exacerbate your pain by beating yourself up, for the moment you awaken you can see, and that is all that matters.

Consider accepting the long standing idea that everything happens in perfect timing. It is not unnatural to have remorse and regret, but it is counterproductive to spend a lot of time being in that space, living through the “only ifs” or “should haves.” Even if a different decision in the past seems as though it could have brought you to a more favorable present, you will never know exactly how that decision would have played out, and you can never change the past. You must accept where you are today, and focus only on how you treat that nagging little voice moving forward. You have likely experienced enough abuse without wasting energy on those pesky little "should haves," as that too is a form of abuse. Those negative thoughts drain the present moment, and our ability to joyfully move forward armed with our new knowledge...

Once you wake up, it is as though you step back from the small portion of the mosaic that you have been looking at, and the seemingly chaotic and haphazard pieces come together to form a complete image. It happens in an instant. However, when you see the whole picture for the first time it is often terrifying, and too overwhelming to attempt to deal with the whole image at once. Gradually, you begin to see the structure of your chaos. Structure allows you to begin to trust yourself, thus overcoming your fear. All the wisdom that you had, but did not own, comes into view. The more of your wisdom that comes into view, the faster your fear begins to subside. Then suddenly, you are no longer overwhelmed by the whole image, you know how to get to your freedom, step by step, piece by piece, you are aware.

 And once you are aware, you see what is in front of you, and you also see what is in the periphery and beyond.  Your are no longer deluded or deceived. Freedom is just within your reach.

Copyright © 2014 by Diana Iannarone

If this strikes a chord with you, consider buying my book:

Me and My Shadow

Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom.

On Amazon: http://tinyurl.com/Book-and-Kindle

Do You Believe You Have the Capacity for Evil?

What if it is true that every living creature has the capacity for evil, even if we choose to not acknowledge it? And what is the cost to us if we choose to not acknowledge this truth?

Very often the cost of this is we become targets for manipulation and abuse. We become this target because we refuse to use our capacity that was given to us, our capacity for evil, because we translate that to mean harm, rather than protection. It is true that some operate from their capacity for evil, but it is not true that some do not have the capacity for evil, and denying it is often at the root of our circumstances.

Every living thing, was given some means of defense, some means of protecting themselves...the question becomes what prompts us to use those mechanisms, and how much will we tolerate before we do?

For those of us that had a history of choosing sociopathic relationships, we literally confused protection and harm. We would never harm another, and we refused to accept that we even had the capacity, and in doing so we had become very proficient at tolerating the intolerable. We chose to take the abuse...deciding it was acceptable, as we never wanted to be perceived as mean. We wanted to offer compassion, comfort and love.  And we gave these things beautifully, only while we are "asleep," (which is the term I use to explain that state of being where we  are unaware of our full capacities and the truth of our lives), we neglect  to give those same gifts to ourselves.  We forget that we matter in the formula of love and life.

Just like every rose has its thorns, we too have the power to protect our beautiful, delicate spirit.  In fact it is, and always has been, up to us to decide when to use that power to protect. To do so, we must wake up to the parts of us that we have chosen to deny...our capacity for evil. It is just a capacity, and denying it in ourselves...makes it too easy for us to deny in others. We so want to believe that people are inherently good...and wouldn't harm.  This is simply not always the case.

All beings have the capacity for evil, it is just what might prompt it that varies.

Just like my dog would never harm, I would never harm. But if someone was to beat my dog, she just might then ignite, perhaps even without thinking, her capacity for evil, because for her it is instinct. We may have turned that necessary instinct off and it can be quite detrimental. Now if my kind dog was moved to attack, there would generally be warnings first, and then, if there was no way out...she would likely attack. I would never hurt my dog because of who I am, but inherently I know that she could harm me and vice-versa...all creatures can harm, I just know it is not her nature to do so...she acknowledges the same in me. The cost for not acknowledging such a capacity could be high.  This is not only true for dogs, it is true for people. It should not be only in a life or death situation that you become aware and acknowledge the power that is within in you. Don't wait for a life or death situation to ignite your awareness of your capacity to protect.  Instead,  you want to understand and embrace all your capacities, at all times, so that you are safer in the world.  What you acknowledge about yourself has a great deal to do with what you attract to you!

If you are looked upon as someone that does not know or acknowledge they have the capacity for harm, can you see why you can be a target? And can you see if people recognize you have the capacity, that knowledge alone increases dramatically the likelihood that you will never need to use it?

If others believe you would not harm, even to protect, those that operate from their evil capacity will looked to leverage that to their advantage.

To illustrate, here is an excerpt from Me and My Shadow addressing this denial:

You may wonder why we are so quick to excuse the cruelty, evil-doings or even simply the meanness of others. This is because we ourselves are unwilling to see our own capacity for evil. We do not even like the word. We shudder to think we could possibly have such a capacity and, as a result, we deny it in ourselves and we deny it in others, even as this truth is displayed boldly before us. We have disowned our capacity for evil long ago, perhaps with no conscious awareness. We close our eyes to it. We deny this capacity that is inherent in every human. Yes, every human has the capacity for evil, even us, and even those we love.

I too struggled to understand that people could be bad. In fact, when asked by my therapist what I told my daughter about ending one abusive relationship, I shared with her that I told my daughter, “He was a good man that did some bad things and he wasn’t healthy for us to live with anymore.”

I was instructed to go home right in that moment, and tell my daughter that I had told her what I believed was the truth, but that now I learned something different, and needed to tell her what was the more accurate truth.

“He was a bad man who did some good things and he wasn’t healthy for us to live with anymore.”

To help me see this conclusion my therapist asked me if I would do to another the things that were being done to me. My answer was an adamant “no”…but of course my immediate thought was so clear, no one understood his pain like I did, if they did, they would know he was doing the best he could. I couldn’t see the great assessment tool I was given in that moment, to ask, “What would keep me from doing those acts on another?” I couldn’t see that it was because they were mean, cruel, yes, even evil acts. They were too mean for me to do to another, yet not too mean for me to accept from another. I couldn’t see my pain through my illusion of their pain.

He was a bad man. I had never even opened my mind or heart to that consideration that some people are inherently bad and I wouldn’t for quite some time.

He was a bad man who did some good things and he wasn’t healthy for us to live with anymore.

The fact that we have the capacity for evil or harm does not make us evil. If you prefer, think of it as your dark side, or your shadow; the part of you where the light is hidden from. You would not do evil. It is your sense of ethics that keeps you from acting in evil ways, however, that does not nullify the reality that you have the capacity. You cannot awaken until you embrace this truth. All humans have the capacity. To start, consider this; have you ever had an evil thought? Something that you considered but you would never do? Perhaps you have even acted on it. Perhaps you have lied, or manipulated, or stolen. These are all acts of the shadow, but these mere acts do not make you an evil person.

Once you embrace this capacity it may very well give you a lifeline. There are lifelines available for you that would seem unreasonable to grab while you are asleep. In fact, while asleep, you are not even able to see the lifeline. Part of awakening is accepting this side of you, the shadow side. You cannot arrive at your freedom without it.

You may be saying to yourself...but I stand up for myself all the time. I tell people I do not deserve to be treated this way!  You see, but if you are doing that repeatedly, perhaps you still have not seen the problem? Once it is clear that you will be honored by anyone in your life, there will no longer be any reason to defend. Once you acknowledge that you truly have the capacity ; Once you are certain that you can and will protect yourself, that presence alone sends out a new vibration that only invites in all that is good...and if anything in contrast shows up, you know you can release it and never look back, because now you have factored yourself in the formula. You too deserve compassion and love and have the power to assure you receive nothing in opposition.  You just must acknowledge that you figurately have thorns, or a sword, a given defense to help you stand. The power has always been within you. We simply need to reignite it.

Copyright © 2014 by Diana Iannarone

If this strikes a chord with you, consider buying my book:

Me and My Shadow

Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom.

On Amazon: http://tinyurl.com/Book-and-Kindle

What is the Cost of not Submitting to Our Emotions?

I remember a therapist friend of mine saying, "the right emotion is the one that shows up."

I recall thinking, really? Most of my life people were telling me that my emotions were wrong, that I had no right to feel that, and of course, that I should suck it up and be the bigger person. My finally being told that my emotions were my guide and I should feel my way through was monumental in my healing.

Submit to my feelings; wow.  What if we all chose to realize that submitting to our emotions in healthy and productive ways is a pathway to peace and freedom?

I realize now those emotions are showing up because they are demanding to be heard. It is our tendency to squash them, suck it up, or ignore those promptings that enables those emotions to become repressed...the more repressed they become, the less able to feel any emotion we become. And often if our emotions are repressed, when we do feel, our expression of our emotion is over dramatized, over-the-top. This is because the reaction is not about this experience, but instead the reaction is filled with cumulative emotions that have been forced into dormancy, ejecting themselves at any open moment they can find. Repressed emotions will not find a healthy way to be revealed. We have to choose to take this task on and find a healthy way to reveal it. Many of those undisclosed emotions have been buried since we were small children as this excerpt from Me and My Shadow reflects:

There is value in allowing ourselves to feel the pain, sadness, and anger of all those childhood losses. All the terrible things that happened to us, the ways we were minimized and led to believe we were small and meaningless. The feelings of helplessness that were created for us in some of our stories can stay with us always, until we take our power back. I don’t think we should “suck it up” as we have so often been told. We should feel it, and then let it go. Carrying that burden is allowing poison to live inside of us. I believe buried emotions do not die, instead they harbor in our bodies creating illness and physical pain. If you are sick or suffering, I believe there is likely a negative belief driving your existence. Release your negative experiences and associated emotions and begin to heal and Live Free.

Some people never speak their truth. Until they speak their truth, even if it is only out loud to themselves, those terrible experiences fester and accumulate inside. Until they set those thoughts and feelings free, it may be like a movie that won’t stop playing causing them to relive, re-experience, and continuously feel the pain of that event or events. The thoughts and feelings that we hold on to about our experiences must be released in order for us to be healed. While merely acknowledging those memories was enough to gain insights into our belief system, we must release the emotion associated with those experiences in order to move forward with our new belief system.

You will see that I am a strong advocate of journaling as a healing tool and believe there is enormous compelling evidence of its benefits. However, you must find the release that works for you. Above all else healing is what you are after. Please seek how you can best begin to feel rather than avoid your emotions. For many people songs, books, or movies can speak to their pain. I found that if I was open to hearing or finding something that would help me heal, it showed up. I find most often God speaks to me in songs; so I listen. And, if it doesn’t feel right to address these potentially buried emotions at this moment in time, don’t. At the deepest levels you really do know what is right for you. If you will listen to and trust that knowing you will find your way. Just begin to raise your awareness of who you truly are.

If the person who harmed you, or you perceived may have harmed you, is still in your life and you are okay with that, okay. If the person who harmed you is not in your life, either because they have died, or because a choice was made that they not be in your life, okay. Your healing, in most cases, does not require you to actually confront this person or persons with the things that happened many years ago. What matters is that you confront these things. Confronting these things is really a private matter. In confronting our experiences and the associated feelings through journaling or speaking through the experience, you move toward freeing yourself from the emotions and the lingering impact of those experiences. Regardless of the ultimate truth, if you believe these experiences happened, your life is a reflection of that belief. You must begin to heal from that place. Treat the experience as if it is real, as it is real to you.

Yet it is not just our childhood experiences that burden us and have us battling with ourselves and our emotions. Our tendency is to have guilt and shame operate as weapons to keep us small and disappointed in ourselves.  Sadly, we not only do this to ourselves, we also allow others to do it to us. Yet, this is a choice. To be truly free, we must free ourselves from past burdens that hold us back like a rubber band tied to our waist, keeping us from moving forward. It often boils down to the laws we live by. Very often these laws we live by aren't even our laws! If we would really sit back to evaluate what WE want for ourselves and what values WE have, we might be stunned to realize that our guilt and shame is just something we have been accustomed to carrying based on a set of rules that aren't at all designed with a true regard for what is for THE highest, greatest good. Instead these rules are simply byproducts of our upbringing or programming and we might just be better served by releasing those guidelines or laws and creating our own.

Perhaps this excerpt will illustrate this concept for you:

As I type about buried emotions or releasing things we are still carrying, I am reminded of an old Zen story. It is about two monks who come upon a river where they are met with a distressed woman. The woman explains that she is afraid of the current and ruining her clothes and asks for help to get to the other side of the river. The senior monk decides to carry her on his shoulders across the river. He gently places the woman down on the other side of the river and continues to walk. The junior monk feels that they have done something dreadful, they have touched a woman and they have violated their “law.” He is offended and tells the senior monk the error of his ways to which the senior monk calmly replies, “I left the woman a long time ago at the bank, however, you seem to be carrying her still.”

Why is he still carrying her?

In his heart, do you think this monk really feels he has done something immoral? Or is it possible that the beliefs that have been ingrained in him, the beliefs that create the laws he is convinced he must live by to be perceived as “good,” is precisely what is leading him to feel “bad” about his actions? If he relinquished the concept of laws as he knew them, as they were ingrained in him, and defined them instead by his own inner moral system, by love, would this monk still struggle?

What if the intention or premise behind our actions is the key rather than the law? How does it feel to use the concept of actions for the greater good, as the tool in which to assess our contribution to the world? By this I simply mean, are our actions out of love? Are they for our good and harmful to others, or are they helpful to others?

It is operating within the confines of rules out of alignment with our true beliefs that is destroying our joy and hindering our ability to be free. We feel bound by something defined as a rule or law, even if only in our own mind, and we become riddled with guilt and plagued by shame if we violate that “law.” Self induction of pain due to laws that were created by someone outside of ourselves is an overwhelming negative pattern that, in my view, needs to be broken.

For this monk, I would recommend he journal. “I feel guilty because…”

Through journaling, this monk could release the guilt as he discovers and understands that the action of helping the woman was from a place of love, to serve and not take. Be free. Don’t let the laws that violate your goodness be the laws that damn your soul and leave you feeling guilty and ashamed. When living by the law has you feeling bad about who you are, then the law is probably flawed, not you. What laws that have been instilled in you are you using as a weapon against you or others? Who or what are you carrying out of some distorted obligatory law that has been imbedded in you?

Imagine a life where you trust yourself to decide which laws to live by. Imagine the freedom that comes from that choice. It is available to you now. Every action has a natural consequence. If you live in alignment with your own beliefs, the beliefs founded and aligned with who you really are, those consequences will generally be acceptable to you.

If rules are the only thing guiding your actions or inactions, then you are not actually choosing to think for yourself and make wise decisions for any highest, greatest good. You are simply compliant. Instead the rule is the authority, or you feel that those that enforce the rule are the authority, and for those reasons you feel you have no choice. But you do.

Now is the time to choose to Live Free. First you must wake up to the truth in your life, then stand up in whatever manner is appropriate given your situation...and then you will begin to truly Live Freely!

Copyright © 2014 by Diana Iannarone

If this strikes a chord with you, consider buying my book:

Me and My Shadow

Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom.

On Amazon: http://tinyurl.com/Book-and-Kindle

How Willing are We to Accept Ourselves Exactly Where We Are?

So often we diminish ourselves for what we haven't done, or what we have done, or for what we should have said or what we did say. A lifetime of self-talk that diminishes our spirit and we ask ourselves, why can't I seem to get past this place I am in, go beyond here to the next level of joy?

We have answered our own question. We get stuck because we so commonly do not accept ourselves where we are. We do not offer patience, compassion and love to ourselves so that we can embrace our present moment and garner the strength to move through. Instead we grow intolerant, demanding more of ourselves and reminding ourselves we are not good enough...this is especially true if we have been tormented by abuse from others. We damn ourselves for not yet having changed a certain behavior or circumstance. We tell ourselves we should be further along or better off, tearing down further the remnants of our self-esteem. But you see we have the power to change our life at anytime, but the first step is acceptance of ourselves and the present conditions of our life. You can't get where you are going, until  you embrace where you are.

This self-ridicule and harsh intolerance of ourselves is especially true if we have had a pattern of being in abusive situations and relationships. Inside these abusive dynamics we often have moved to a life of vigilance. By this I mean, that we are unconsciously on our guard, cautious about our words, we deny our feelings for fear of setting something off. We walk on the proverbial eggshells, we need to stop that. We are not responsible for the behavior of others, and if it is dangerous or very risky to be who we truly are, then we just might need to change our circumstances. This vigilance is exhausting and draining, and frankly, must cease for us ever truly be free. 

To find your path to freedom and healing, you must gather your strength. This requires some introspection to heighten your awareness about yourself so you can move beyond the present situation.  This is true for each of us.

As I share in my book, Me and My Shadow:

The first step in healing is to offer complete acceptance of yourself, in your frailties, in your addictions, in your negativity, in the exact place you are. Embrace where you are with love.

When have you ever known complete acceptance of you?

Get free and rest, end the life of vigilance. It’s time.

Decide to live this. It takes courage.

Love and acceptance are what we have been striving for all along. We did so by trying to reel it in from the external, when all we needed to do was turn to ourselves. This is your time to give caring and compassion to yourself, so you will know what it feels like and recognize when you are receiving something to the contrary. And as you begin to love and accept yourself as you are, you will see you will receive an abundance of love and acceptance from others. You have always been the teacher of what you deserve. You are the magnet that brings just what you are asking for into your life.

If you have been in abusive situations your whole life, I feel confident stating you have never embraced where you are. You have always pursued perfection. You have always demanded more of yourself. You have always had rigid expectations. You repeatedly reminded yourself that you could be better, you cannot stop, and you cannot rest. You have carried the belief that stamina and endurance were necessary or something bad would happen. You have moved to your head, your mind, you were always thinking and avoiding feeling. We perceived it was safer in our mind than our heart, so we chose to live in that space. We must return to our heart to truly be free.

Yes, I used the word "always," which always carries with it some risk of falsehood. Yet, I chose always intending to reflect adamantly on those words. I long to drive us to look at the frequency with which we push ourselves to be more, do more, often without pausing to see what that incessant use of our stamina and endurance is doing to us. What is happening to our mind, body, emotions and spirit as we drive ourselves in the futile act of appeasing and supporting the needs of others, while often disregarding ourselves?

In my book I suggest imagining the world as a jigsaw puzzle and ask that you visualize that each person on the planet has a singular piece of that puzzle. All that must happen for the world to be at peace, is that each person hold the piece THEY are responsible for and capable of holding. Now of course there are times that people are genuinely unable to do so, but how often do we just take the liberty of carrying the load of another? We do this for a multitude of reasons. Sometimes by choice because we are devoted to controlling others; sometimes because we don't believe they are carrying their piece appropriately and sometimes, many times, we are carrying the responsibilities of others because we have allowed guilt and shame to be utilized to manipulate us to do more and be more. We do so under the illusion that we will gain that seemingly elusive, Love and Acceptance. Through our constant denial of self, we make allowance for our spirit to be diminished. Through this disregard of our suffering, our self-confidence and self-esteem undoubtedly begin to crumble. This crumbling robs of us our strength, our sense of worth, and the knowing that we deeply matter.

So how do we begin to restore that which we have allowed to be siphoned from us? Here is another excerpt to assist in reclaiming what we should never have allowed ourselves to 
lose—ourselves...

In order to rebuild the self-esteem and self-confidence that we have lost over our lifetimes, we must begin to be the parent to ourselves. Who knows what we need better than we do? Remember, we are each holding the hand of the little child inside of us. We must nurture this child until this child knows that we, the adult, can be trusted to take care of him or her. We must build our toolkit and learn how to offer ourselves the love and acceptance that we have been denied. We cannot expect to find external love until we have found it within ourselves.

When our feelings become too much to bear, we stop feeling them and start thinking them. Our emotions move from our hearts to our heads. We feel only our numbness in our hearts. We operate in our mind because of fear. This has been our defense, our default. This is how we "keep it together." We think our feelings by overanalyzing. We replay situations in our minds over and over. We try to strategize, try to control. We end up being frenetic and anxious. Feelings are not meant for the mind, they are meant for the heart.

Allow me to provide you with a useful exercise in moving from your mind to your heart. Sit quietly, inhale and exhale slowly. Release all the tension in every part of your body, your "happy place" can help. Once you do that, imagine a very small version of yourself coming down a ladder from your brain or mind, to your heart. See a little door in front of your heart and consider stepping in.

Some people are too terrified to step in. Pretend there is someone with you, anyone you’d like, even if they don’t really exist, and attempt to walk in. Meet your heart. As you see the contents of your heart, just pour love, however you envision love, on everything you see or feel. Begin to once again embrace the feeling power of your heart.

This is not to discount the power of our minds, they are powerful and necessary parts of who we are. Our hearts are as well. Obtaining congruence between your heart and your mind leads to a congruent, healthy and flowing body, mind, and spirit. If we only use our minds, it is as if we are only using our left hands. We can get things done, but it is difficult with only one hand. Let the other hand join, and our power exponentially increases. Use both hands…mind and heart. Over time, you can use the whole of you, mind, body, and spirit. There is no shame in feeling our emotions in our heart. We no longer need our facade of invulnerability. After all of the time that we have been numb, we may have forgotten how to feel. We may not be aware that we are feeling anything, let alone what those feelings are. We must regain access to our hearts by beginning in the place where we currently are, our minds.

And as we turn inward, we will begin to accept ourselves in our present space. Once we acknowledge our vulnerability, our emotions, our need to not do it alone, something wonderful happens. We enter the path to finding our true power once again. 

Copyright © 2014 by Diana Iannarone

If this strikes a chord with you, consider buying my book:

Me and My Shadow

Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom.

On Amazon: http://tinyurl.com/Book-and-Kindle

The Power of Cognitive Dissonance

Tug-of-war, an exercise frequently thought of as fun and challenging. A game of force and resistance. It is easy to see the game in your mind's eye. You might even recall a time or two you played it. You may recall that sheer brute force you utilized trying to pull the rope in your direction, collapsing the other team's energy so you could pull the rope past the mark and label your team—Victor! Perhaps you even recall what happens when one side just choose to let go...you may recall falling on your ass, but in the end, you were also free from the resistance; perhaps even relieved. You may be dizzy, tired, frustrated and feel a bit like a loser, but it is over. And frankly it being over is better than the battle of continual, unending resistance you were in. So in some ways, either way you are the victor by getting out of the constant resistance. The path you choose requires you to understand the consequence of each.

Welcome to cognitive dissonance; a real life depiction of that game of tug-of-war that can go on in your mind and body as exhaustively as the game you may recall, and, there is no release until it ends. And the timeline to achieve release is determined by many factors. This experience of dissonance is without a doubt one of the most painful, confusing and often unexplained circumstances and can drive you to believe you are actually going crazy. Cognitive dissonance can occur anytime you have two opposing thoughts in your mind.

Seems simple enough, just pick one belief or the other! Oh, but if only it were that simple. Cognitive dissonance can be created in our own mind by the restrictive rules we create for ourselves and our inability to follow them. Or by our belief that something is unhealthy for us, yet we have an inability to remedy the behavior to get in to congruence with our beliefs. This experience is routinely endured at one level or another, one time or another, by all of us.

Cognitive dissonance can also be forced upon us by the subtle or blatant behaviors of another, who has the intent to harm. In this instance that dissonance can be outright debilitating. The determining factor in deciding how much pain you will be in, is directly dependent upon just how contradictory these opposing thoughts are and the degree of control you believe you have to resolve that opposition of thought. This tug-of-war at its worst can immobilize you, can have you feel like you are dying, and in fact, wish that you were. In these moments you have a complete contradiction in your mind that can feel like a tug-of-war, or worse, like your mind will explode. This level of cognitive dissonance can literally bring you to a point where you feel you cannot even function; yet cognitive dissonance is always resolvable. Just not necessarily easily resolvable. This form of dissonance, whose pain cannot be articulated unless you have experienced it, is often caused by gaslighting, or what I call, on a day I chose to refrain from a more appropriate name—crazymaking.

To resolve cognitive dissonance your beliefs must become congruent. Your inner beliefs must match your outer reality, put another way, in essence you must get in alignment with truth, no matter how difficult. Or redraw the line of where the boundary is to align with your truth. But truth isn't always evident, and isn't always easy to face even if it were...

So what makes this so hard? The depth and breadth of this discussion is vast. I will touch upon this on an ongoing basis. Today, I am going to choose a few examples to illustrate it in both its simplest and most devastating forms. I will also suggest some ways you can come to peace when you are in this potentially crippling place.

The level of cognitive dissonance that is felt by most of us at one time or another, is when we are trying to break a habit, or start one, or we know we should take better care of our spiritual, financial, emotional, physical, or mental self, but we can't. 

Here are a few excerpts from my book to illustrate:

In the healing process I felt I was in a constant tug-of-war. I felt like pleasurable things would bring me pain. I felt so convicted in this belief that my life was a reflection of its truth. I understood I had created these rules about what perfection looked like relative to my physical self, the way I cared for my body, and the way I should behave. I would intentionally disobey these standards. I found a way to always feel bad about myself. It was to the point that this conflict, this cognitive dissonance, was consuming.

I was so used to feeling guilt and shame that I didn't know how to exist without their presence, so I engaged in behaviors to justify my feelings of guilt and shame. Without my "shameful" behavior I would have no idea why I was feeling guilt, therefore, I would just feel like I was crazy. Instead I was more comfortable carrying those emotions and deeming myself bad. I believed I was not good enough.

I was a harsh and judgmental parent to myself. I was unforgiving for any misstep. My vision of how I should be was in conflict with the way I wanted to be. I wanted to be freer and yet I was bound by all these rules of my own making.

I could consciously, intellectually, see the conflict and I knew all I had to do was give up one or the other, the rule or the behavior, but emotionally I couldn't get there. I didn’t know which I should do; or even if I could do either one.

So the cognitive dissonance here is exacerbated by the uncertainty of which change is even the most "right;" so to speak. Are my rules too rigid, and so I need to lighten up? Or, are my rules appropriate and I need to get in alignment with them. Until both the thought and the behavior can get congruent we have officially obtained a rope pulling us in both directions; cognitive dissonance. To illustrate further...

I want to stop drinking, I know I need to exercise, I don’t want to work so many hours, yet I can’t seem to change it; I have no choice. If you have felt guilt your whole life, you will continue to engage in behaviors that make you feel guilty. You create justification for your guilt. Otherwise you would walk around feeling guilty, and not know why! The more we dwell on these behaviors that we no longer want in our lives, the longer we will find ourselves engaging in those behaviors. It is only once we accept ourselves in our "flawed" state and begin to love ourselves, that we can move past these behaviors. Release the adamancy of these behaviors (I have to work out three days a week, I must give up drinking) and they will be much easier to change. As long as you are holding steadily to your false beliefs, or your condemning, harmful thoughts, very little will change. Permanent change requires a permanent extinguishing of your negative beliefs and self-talk, and the creation of boundaries that are truly acceptable to you; who you really are. Sadly we struggle to change our behavior. It is as if we want to stand up, but our belt loop keeps getting caught on the chair. We feel stuck, gripping and focusing on what we no longer want in our lives.

It is up to us to build our self-confidence and self-esteem. The sooner we release our grip on the things we want to change, the easier it will be to move to living free. Often, recovering our self-confidence and self-esteem and building our boundaries happens simultaneously.

Until we alter the programming, the beliefs that are harming us, those outer experiences will not permanently change. As with all areas of our lives, the change must begin within. Our self-talk is the easiest thing for us to control. So start there by accepting those things that you perceive as bad behaviors for now, embrace them. No longer condemn yourself for them. Remind yourself that you will better care for yourself moving forward. No longer be that harsh, judgmental parent to yourself. You deserve nurturing and compassion. Like raising a child, you must embrace yourself where you are, not criticize yourself. Begin to believe that you can move to a better place. Rejection of any part of yourself will create more negative emotions, and more negative emotions will likely lead to intensification of those behaviors. You can’t reject part of yourself hoping to arrive at wholeness. These behaviors will melt away once you begin to live in alignment with who you really are, and love and accept yourself in every step along the way. It is so liberating. It is so freeing. Trust the process, trust yourself.

The second form of cognitive dissonance is that which is thrust upon you by another. This is the worst mind-fuck imaginable. This term, that some may find offensive, is a widely accepted term to describe this experience because it defines it precisely. I assure you, those that find it offensive, have never experienced it. Crazymaking, gaslighting, it's pseudonyms, just are so often deemed to fall short.

To illustrate, here is another excerpt:

Those that have experienced this methodology will validate the agony it induces. This “Crazymaking” is exactly what it sounds like. The abuser will send contradictory messages, or claim that we do not remember events as they actually transpired. They work to get us to doubt ourselves, to think that perhaps we really are losing it. They want to break us.

For insight into how the crazymaking is played let me give a little detail.

Eventually, you tire of their manipulations and you begin to find your strength. They sense you pulling away. They fear that you are gaining the awareness that you hold the "game-over card" and that once it is played they will lose their reign as controller of your life. It is important that you recall, that when they sense a game-over card is near, the first approach is generally to present to you the behaviors they know you want to see. They know, because we have vocalized them in full detail. Suddenly that love, compassion, and acceptance we have been longing for, appears. They know that those things will lure us in, just as they have in the past.

One instance that illustrates what I am describing was in the moments leading to my full awakening. After returning from the vacation to my parents' house, I was on the phone with my then abuser who I was looking to end the relationship with. As established during that trip we were no longer living together, and of course he was looking to manipulate his way back into my home. Remember, this is always a ploy. They will try endless techniques to get in, or get you physically to be near them, which is often how people end up dead. I was not letting him in, a strength that illustrates just how close I was to fully waking. I was finally beginning to trust myself instead of him.

He had been working tirelessly to prove to me how he had changed. He was being the picture of the man that I had longed for. The behavior was impressive. However, as he sensed that I was still pulling away, he became harder to predict, and more confusing.

When he saw that his act was not being as effective as it had been in the past, he tried a new strategy. He moved to accountability. During a memorable phone call, he took ownership for his failings in the relationship. One by one he emotionally listed the ways that he had damaged our relationship. He listed the many ways he had harmed me and let me down. I was stunned as I listened. I was moved to tears at this admission of guilt, and his longing for redemption. I knew I had to leave him for good, yet so much of me wanted to believe, still, I was suspicious. Unconsciously though, the incongruence of his words and the behavior I had always known, was so apparent that I asked if he was alone, or if he was taping the call. I wanted to know whose benefit this ownership of his failings was for. Suspicion was part of the evidence that I was on the verge of waking.

In that instant, he switched. He now turned the tables.

He began to accuse me of all the failings in the relationship. He began to say that I abandoned him. Each and every accusation he owned just moments before was being calculatedly hurled at me. One by one, in painstaking detail, I was being diminished and destroyed. Suddenly, everything wrong with our relationship was my fault. He denied any claim he had made just moments before. I couldn’t breathe. I dropped to my knees. I was in sheer agony over the head game. I screamed, “You betrayed me, you betrayed yourself! How could you? Who are you???” I was crying, screaming. I thought I must have been having a nervous breakdown. My scream was not one of anger. It was a scream of destruction; of uncontrollable pain. Just as it began to dawn on me that this insanity is what he had wanted all along, I hear him say, “Do you want me to come over and hold you?” I still couldn’t breathe. I thought, Oh my God! What? What did he just say? He is offering compassion? Comfort? What is he doing? The insanity stops me dead in my tracks. I went silent. I was in absolute confusion and pain. I am not sure how long I held my breath. I guess I hung up.

I was stunned and confused. I didn’t understand his mixed signals. Which was it? Was he apologizing or blaming? My head was throbbing. The incongruence was taking its toll on my body. My head and heart were experiencing intolerable, excruciating pain. This pain left me on my knees unable to breathe for some time. Finally, I inhaled. I tasted the sweet breath of life. I then considered how that tape of our call would harm me. I was now confident there was one.

That encounter was “Crazymaking”. This is what they do so that they can call you crazy and you will believe it. This is not you acting or being crazy. As a new friend that I met days after this experience would repeatedly remind me, "You were having a sane reaction to an insane situation."

As you read these words, if they resonate at any level you are likely in the unfortunate situation to be in relationship with a narcissist and/or a sociopath. In spite of what an individual who has never been in such an entanglement may tell you, this trauma is not resolvable by trying harder or getting your mind clearer. This trauma is resolved by getting out and never looking back. If you would like help or guidance to be permanently free from this type of abuse, contact me at diana@standingup.us for a free consultation so we can design a plan to release you from this painful confinement.

Copyright © 2014 by Diana Iannarone

If this strikes a chord with you, consider buying my book:

Me and My Shadow

Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom.

On Amazon: http://tinyurl.com/Book-and-Kindle