Compassion vs. Judgment

Compassion is a tricky thing.  The best of the manipulators can get it with their charm and tales of woe, even though they are often undeserving. Their victims may not only be denied the compassion they need and deserve, but worse, they may be judged for the perceived circumstances. Those that truly have the art of deception calculated are often so good at drawing a picture that reflects such an abstract truth of the harm cast upon them, that people buy into the lie, while those being accused suffer...often alone.

How often do we stand on the outside and judge believing we know the truth or what is the best action to take in a circumstance...and then later learn that the truth we believed was the lie? How open are we to even discovering The Truth, or, is it ever even fully discoverable? How can we protect ourselves from the trap of assumptions and conclusions that are false that lead us to cast our opinions or judgment rather than offer our compassion?  I believe, if we are open to listen to it, our intuition and knowing can guide us. Yet to experience this knowing, we must observe and not be so quick to judge another.

Is it possible that time and time again people judge the person that was manipulated or harmed? "They should have known better," "They should not have done that," "They shouldn't have allowed that to happen"...instead what would happen if we chose to realize the pain they endured for being too asleep at the time? What if we considered they were unaware of the truth of their circumstances, that they were unable to see that they were being manipulated or that they may be in the struggle of the aftermath of such manipulations and again—where they need love and compassion, dare we judge? Thoughts such as "Shouldn't they be past this by now?" "Why are they staying so isolated?" "Why aren't they back to work?" Let us ask ourselves, are we flawless? And who should decide such things for us other than ourselves?

It is often goodness and wanting to believe, wanting to support and wanting to love that blinds us. As I often say, love is not blind, it is only the illusion of love that is. When we believe the illusion, we deny ourselves, as true love does not deceive. Once we awaken to the deception, we then experience the awareness of betrayal...a pain that is debilitating, as only someone you love and trust can betray you.

What if we offer compassion, before judgment? Of course then, we may offer it to someone whose fooled us, yet observation and trusting our inner knowing won't leave us there for long. 

Our own judgment is required to make a good decisions, true, yet experience, intuition and logic can lead us to wise conclusions rather than knee jerk ones that can be misguided. 

In the following excerpt from my book I discuss what I have observed.

A true manipulator knows the more enmeshed your life is with theirs, the harder it will be for you to escape, so that is what they are after.

Their goal is simple, they want you fully vested in them. They want to keep you in the game and under their control, like nothing more than a chess piece. Know your opponent. True chess games may merely be about winning, yet in this game, for the most calculating players, it is about annihilation.

If you find yourself in one of these types of relationships, know that once you have tolerated the maximum you can tolerate, it is imperative that you realize exiting initiates a game at a much more deviant level. Prior to waking, the fighting was endless, exhausting, and difficult. It remains endless until you are awake enough to see that this game is strategic, not emotional. You must get out of your emotions and stop applying the same human thinking you have in your mind, to how their mind works.

This is true in business or other family dynamics as well. When you become nonchalant instead of reactive because you can stand in your power, and not your emotions, your sense of security throws them off and empowers you. It is all the same, a chess game.

It is important that you see that wherever there is abuse in your life, this chess game is something to consider. It should be no surprise to you that my assessment largely focuses on experiencing and ending intimate sociopathic relationships, yet know that departure from abuse is about having the courage to see the truth, and then to act on that truth. We must awaken, heal, and embrace our wholeness that has been ours all along.

Ending relationships often ends in battle. You may be battling over the children, dogs, art, cars, assets…but you must consider that they may not care about these things. They may just want to grab a hold of what you care about so they can win. They want you to feel as though you owe them. They want to play on your compassion. You feel that perhaps they deserve to see or have the dog, or maybe even the children. You want to have their rights honored…and so you compromise. Or perhaps you want to be free so badly that you are willing to walk away in ways that are harmful to you.

As you know more, you will consider what you may not have considered before, that you are not dealing with a genuinely emotional individual; instead you may be dealing with a master manipulator. Every single thing in their life is an object, an object that can be used as a tool to harm and control you. Once you understand that, embrace that, and feel your heart shift as a result, you are awake. Do not apply this concept to all divorces or all departures from church, work or any organization or person. The situation I describe is not always the reality. It is true, however, that you must be awake to the possibility. Observe who you are battling with and if your experience is nonsensical and harmful, you just may be in a vicious game of chess, instead of a true above board dissolution with benign beings.

So how do you know the truth of your circumstances?  I am going to state that when you look back, most often you know you knew. You know that at some level you had a little distrust, a little nagging feeling that something wasn't right, but you weren't ready to face it...not yet. And when we do face it, what do we generally do first? We judge ourselves as we often fear others would...we tell ourselves how stupid we were, how foolish we were how pathetic we were...and instead, more than anything, what do we need?  Compassion. Begin to offer the breadth and depth of compassion to yourself, and in doing so, you will become clearer about who truly needs it and who is "stealing" it from you to later harm.  That which we hope to receive, we must first learn to give to ourselves.

Copyright © 2014 by Diana Iannarone

If this strikes a chord with you, consider buying my book:

Me and My Shadow

Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom.

On Amazon: http://tinyurl.com/Book-and-Kindle
Visit my website: www.standingup.us

Are You Ready to Stand Guard Over What Matters Most?

Right now, many of the people I am helping by partnering with them have reached the same plateau. It is the most exciting, and yet scary part of what I do, leading people to Stand in their Power and then watching and participating as they do. Until that moment, that moment they can see the truth, the moment they are ready to embrace the unthinkable, it is hard to prepare them for what is coming and although we have worked together on any and all interactions with their abuser to determine what to text, what to say, or what not to say or do, and how to do whatever is determined best, there is always this disbelief that this person they once cared about or loved will do what is being predicted, but then it happens. They see with their own eyes, and experience it fully, these individuals who they thought they loved are who they feared they were. These individuals are capable of doing what deep inside they were afraid they might be able to...and they realize their inner knowing had awareness all the while; this person has intent to harm, intent to control and it defines them.

We all know no contact is the goal.  The path to arrive is not always the same.

This awareness of the true conscienceless being they were in relationship with was a truth they were afraid to face fully, but now, when it is too in their face to ignore, the preparation we had worked toward together, ignites them, they are ready, afraid but ready.  When they are truly ready to stand in their power they have decided that they have had enough of the manipulation and control.  It is a true moment, where they get these manipulators will indeed stop at nothing. In this moment they decide to stand for what is right and true and they will not fear the lies that are dangled over their heads as a weapon used to manipulate them into cooperation, they will do what is deemed appropriate, stand against or ignore the evil claims, that they are crazy, a bad mother, a drunk, or have done something wrong that will shame them.  The way to win is to stand in truth.  Fully in truth, no fear of the lies and intimidations, yet you must do so wisely. It is in the moment of full awakening, that you are ready to stand guard over what matters most, your home, your heart, your children.

So often people do not know how to protect themselves. Below are a few tips. For more details go to www.standingup.us and download "Defeating deceptive manipulators in Your Battle."

1.  Record any interaction with your abuser if you can. In some cases it is best to do so discreetly, in other instances, blatantly.  You know your abuser better than anyone.  Draw from your wisdom, but always you need evidence of the stalking, the relentless calls and so on. (Find out if your state is one party or two party consent state.  If it is one party, read the terms of the law but you can tape more freely even if they do not know you are recording.  If it is two party, it is a violation to tape...know your rights.  Google it)

2.  Drop your need to protect them. They likely taught you that you would be disloyal or unkind if you did not always stand for their "honor."  They did this so that you would feel guilt if you didn't protect them, and what did protecting them cost you? It is time to fend for yourself.

3. Do not engage in conversation. If no contact is impossible then you have to learn how to communicate as necessary but not engage. I spend a great deal of my time helping in this arena as individuals share with me what has been said and look for guidance on responses. This is truly an art and it is borne from your ability to PREDICT their behavior, something I am skilled at...due to excessive experience. These manipulators are more predictable than you may have considered. Once you can predict their behavior, what to do next becomes more obvious.

4.  Remember that you have a say so in how your attorney presents things.  Also remember you need to listen to your attorney!!! I do not give legal advice. I predict behavior which has nothing to do with the law. My thoughts are for consideration, but your attorney knows the law.  Heed the guidance. You also need to remember that not all attorneys are clear on how deceptive, vindictive, outrageous a person you are dealing with...stand in your knowing. Help them see the truth, rationally and logically. Presenting a logical strong case TO your attorney to help to defend you is also something I can help you with.

Along those lines, here is an excerpt from my book "Me and My Shadow:"

There were multiple turning points that reflected my power and ultimately caused the abusers to disappear. There were many times that my strength enabled me to act in ways previously foreign to me. As I said, in our Awake state, we can see lifelines we never could have seen while asleep.

My final attorney had come to respect and honor my crazy predictions about my abusers’ behavior. I say "final" attorney because I had to be strong enough to release another attorney who didn't have my best interest at heart, which was very difficult. Remember in places of authority, sociopaths lurk.

During the battle for my exit, one of my abusers had managed to claim that certain items at my home were used for his business, and a judge had ordered that I give him access to these items when he needed them. He was required to give me very little notice. He would claim to need these items frequently, as an excuse to come to my home and intimidate me. In these moments, I found having a private investigator there to film to be very powerful. Remember, to these abusers the click in the chamber of a gun ignites less fear, than the click of a camera.

As my fear diminished, I could see more clearly every day. I decided this time when the notice was given, I would refuse to honor the legal agreement to the use of the property. This decision was vehemently against my attorney's advice. I stated I would rent a similar item for my abuser to use if it was necessary. The response from opposing counsel was that there would be contempt charges against me, which would likely result in jail time. I stood my ground. I wasn't afraid. I couldn't see a judge caring where the item came from as long the equipment was made available to serve the purpose of the “claimed” need. Authority just wasn't that scary anymore. I was my own authority now.

I was finally willing and able to file contempt or domestic violence charges as appropriate on them, as well as to risk contempt charges on myself. I was willing to take steps to protect myself, even if it meant that they would get in trouble. I was no longer intent on holding their piece. My focus was my safety. Their protection was of no concern to me.

It was clear to all parties, the game had changed.

Ultimately, cameras were my hero. They captured things that were too evident to run from. The key is to let the fear that you likely feel upon awakening, transition to adrenaline to keep you finding ways out and strengthening your self-esteem. Wield your sword of protection boldly and with precision. Seek help. If you have a gut intuitive feeling that the help you chose cannot be trusted, then keep looking for other help. Break the string the moment you see the person on the other end is operating from their shadow. The moment you see or feel that someone does not have your best interest at heart, simply tug that string and break it, don’t ever let that string become a rope, more securely attached to you to your detriment ever again.

After all the battles had subsided, given some of the situations I had dealt with, I decided to involve the Office of Internal Affairs of the local police department. Awake, I was a force to be reckoned with, and I will be forevermore.

It is in the moment of full awakening, that you are ready to stand guard over what matters most, the sanctity of your home, your heart, your children.  Awakening your thorns of protection, it is not about harm, or vengeance, it is about no longer allowing abuse and threats to control your life.

Copyright © 2014 by Diana Iannarone

If this strikes a chord with you, consider buying my book:

Me and My Shadow

Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom.

On Amazon: http://tinyurl.com/Book-and-Kindle