How Accountable are We Willing to be in Our Own Lives?

I was speaking with someone yesterday, talking about how quick some people are to make themselves powerless. My health, is out of my hands. My relational circumstance, is out of my hands. My financial circumstance, is out of my hands...blah, blah, blah.

And the response I received was "No one wants to be that accountable."

Wow.

And it resonated within me as a precise truth.

How accountable are we willing to be in our own lives? 

Are we willing to take full responsibility for every circumstance that presents itself to us in our lives? 

So often people accept the false belief that it simply "is out of my hands." How convenient, right?

If we choose to believe that our circumstances are not something we have the power to change, then we simply choose to remain the victim, perhaps under the guise of "I will wait idly by for God to save me." Or we choose to believe God wanted this circumstance for us so we must endure further suffering. Or, we couldn't possibly change these conditions, it is impossible.

What if— we are accountable, it is our fault and God has availed "Himself" to be a co-creator with us in any life circumstance we choose? 

Uh Oh! Now THAT would be a lot of accountability; which is precisely why many choose not to embrace this premise. All things are possible, hmmm, where have I heard that before? To catapult your life to fulfillment, it starts by believing anything is possible. Not just believing at the surface, "Sure, well I guess so." It is a belief that must be an undeniable conviction. A KNOWING. An undisputable fact...and if you don't reach that level of thought, you will not achieve the outcome you desire, and therefore you will have the convenience of saying, see? And then slump back down into helplessness...it is out of my hands.

Granted, maybe at first we didn't know what we were signing up for. Maybe at first it wasn't our fault in that we were just moving lovingly along, moving forward, and seeing where a relationship or situation was headed. However, when we repeatedly ignore the reality of those circumstances, we remain "asleep," choosing to endure intolerable suffering and excusing it away under some delusional premise such as "They are doing the best they can."  "They don't mean to hurt me." "They want to treat me better." "There is nothing I can do about it." "It is completely out of my hands." Or any plethora of other lies we choose to tell ourselves. It is in those moments we must acknowledge that the responsibility has shifted to us. It is our fault. It is our fault because we are announcing that we are simply helpless to remedy the issues in our lives; and that is a lie.

I believe that our accountability spans across every key aspect:

                               Spiritual, Financial, Emotional, Physical and Mental.

And in any of these areas that you choose to believe you are not accountable, then prepare to spiral down in your life. Your helplessness will give credence to the false beliefs you are choosing to accept. And when you do that, be prepared to live the life of a sufferer...when in reality, no matter what has transpired, you have always had the power to change it. Instead, we get too tired, too lazy, too afraid, or just too comfortable "living in the horseradish" as Susan Jeffers refers to it. We get comfortable in the muck, and that is a choice.

The alternative, would be to accept our accountability for the conditions of our lives, and that feels too damn hard.

This is not to say that we should not offer compassion to ourselves for what we have allowed and sustained. It is not to say we should beat ourselves down for our failures. Contrary to that, we should drench ourselves in love and understanding. We need to realize if we truly loved and honored ourselves deeply, we would have taken action sooner...yet, all we can do now, is love ourselves through it.

But if we remain with the belief that we are powerless, then our lives will continue in the manner that they always have. Our self-destructive patterns will repeat themselves. We are never truly powerless. We just sometimes have forgotten all that is available within us to allow for a completely abundant life, a joyful life.

As I discuss in my book Me and My Shadow, which depicts my journey from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom...

I needed to realize I deserved better than the circumstances of my life. I needed to realize I was the creator of the horseradish I was standing in, or more aptly put, sitting in with burning, tearing eyes. I was the problem, not because of my behavior, but because 

I was willing to accept the behavior of my abusers. 

I didn’t fully understand lies, deception, manipulation, or any form of evil. Since I perceived they weren’t in my makeup, I assumed they weren’t in anyone else’s either. I never even looked, not even for a moment, at what was happening to me and being inflicted on me. I was blind to the deception and manipulation because I could only see the good. I would think I saw or felt red flags occasionally. I would experience little inner promptings warning me, but time after time I would choose to ignore these signs. I didn’t understand they were warning me that I was incongruent with my soul; the knowing of what was in my highest, greatest good was always present. Instead, at some unconscious level, I decided if I looked, or perhaps feared if I looked at the message of the red flag, my whole world would come crashing down. During that time I was asleep I never stopped to see that my personal world was already a train wreck; a train wreck that could have been salvaged at any time. It was then, and always will be, our choice.

There is no area of our lives that it is true we are helpless. We only allow ourselves to believe we are:

Spiritually:  Do you really want to accept that God decides for you?  Or do you want to decide God (however you define it) grants you the power to create any life you want? That as promised, all things are possible, if you choose to harness the power that is available to each and every one of us.

Financially: Do you really want to go through life with a scarcity mentality or a belief that if you have financial security or abundance that makes you bad? Or the belief that there isn't enough to go around or that you will never have plenty because somehow you are unworthy? How can you receive abundance of anything if you don't believe you deserve it?

Emotionally: Do you really want to numb yourself to the emotions that exist? If you aren't willing to feel and experience fully the pain, then you also are not willing to fully feel and experience the joy. One cannot choose to simply feel happy emotions and ignore the rest of them. Numb is numb, whatever you refuse to feel, numbs you and leads to a repressed pile of emotions inside, just waiting to erupt...anxiety begins.

Physically: Do you really want to decide you are not responsible for your health? If not you, than who? Do you really want to believe we are punished for mistakes and "cursed" with illness...or do you want to be accountable here as well, and know your body is capable of healing itself? Your body is a living organism...and just like a plant will die if you curse it and mistreat it...your body needs your love. It needs YOU to believe it is alive.

Mentally: This one at many levels directs all the others. We all have heard countless expressions that reflect the power of our mind to create our lives. Whether you believe it or not, does not change this fact. Your thoughts have true energetic power, so if you don't like the conditions of your life, start here, change your mind. Become conscious of your thoughts...and choose ones that will serve you rather than harm you.

Choose to no longer be that harsh abusive parent to yourself. Be kind and loving to you.

In my book I take you through each and every one of these aspects, enveloping the wholeness that is yours. We walk together through these concepts as they are dissected and put back together to remind you what you already at some level know:

You are the powerful creator of your life. If you don't like what you see, begin to draw another image.

Don't be a victim.  It is a choice. Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom.

Copyright © 2014 by Diana Iannarone

If this strikes a chord with you, consider buying my book:

Me and My Shadow

Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom.

On Amazon: http://tinyurl.com/Book-and-Kindle

What Do a Butterfly and a Narcissist have in Common?

What do a narcissist and a butterfly have in common? That is what I found myself asking when last night I had this odd thought...that narcissists are like butterflies. They often look so alluring, vibrant and attractive. They seem to effortlessly fly through the maze and obstacles of the world and choose precisely where they wish to land. Then, they simply flutter about, traveling from flower to flower sucking the last drop of precious nectar from each. As butterflies alight upon flowers, it is through their feet that they taste the succulence. Imagine—butterflies enjoy the flavor of a flower, by walking on them. 

Yet, who amongst us isn't drawn to the captivating essence of a butterfly?   

Once you have experienced the powerful pull of a narcissist, you unequivocally know the emptiness that remains after all your nectar and sweetness has been drawn from your core and can for quite some time feel the damage from having your soul repeatedly trodden upon.

Yet, to compare a butterfly to a narcissist feels a bit like sacrilege. Butterflies are so beautiful and cherished. So this morning I sought answers as to why I would have received such a prompting  to compare the two and be compelled to write.

And then it occurred to me.

Narcissists are the illusion of the butterfly. 

They delude us into seeing an image of beauty, and image of lightness, aloof and untouchable...as we admire and wish to be closer to them, to catch them, to have them set down within our space and this is by design. They present this sort of dance, like a spiritual flittering, yet what makes the true wonder and majesty of the butterfly is what it had to endure to arrive. The isolation, the growth, the devotion to its journey.

We all know that the depth of soul does not exists in the hollow being of a narcissist, and the reason is because they know nothing of transformation. They know nothing about true devotion to growth in complete isolation. They know nothing of sitting in the dark and soul searching to become all that they can be. Some butterflies spend up to two years in chrysalis...and for them to arrive at that stage, the stage where they are in hibernation, they first, as a caterpillar, had to devotedly eat and eat to provide the foundation for that chrysalis to be formed. Hunting and searching for sustenance is not unlike a narc, eating what it can find for its own survival. The caterpillar however, was doing so to lay a foundation where growth and transformation were possible, not simply to devour something for solely its own gratification and to offer nothing to the world in return. A caterpillar is working to prepare for the next stage of development.

Each moment in this full process of transformation, from egg, to caterpillar, to chrysalis, to taking flight, they can fall prey to any number of predators. Its hope is to reach its majestic wonder and when it does, quite by accident, unaware that while enjoying the gifts of the flower it accidentally picks up the pollen with its wings, effortlessly passing the pollen on...for growth and beauty to be reproduced. The butterfly, by their nature and process of development, grants us the awareness of what it took to get there, and then they flutter in the world giving joy...representing for all of us transformation and change.

So remember, if you have had the misfortune of being touched by a narc, the gift is the opportunity for YOUR transformation; to be so much freer, to remember that you were always able to fly where you chose. You may have to scavenge for your survival...you may have to bury yourself in a cocoon of isolation...unable to bear the pressures and noise of the world because you have PTSD, anxiety, and a broken heart. But, when you decide to, your will emerge from that place, knowing your beauty and wonder and now, you will know that you are free to go wherever you choose, and live knowing you are the creator of your life, by what you allow and what you release. Having gone through this tumultuous pain, in the lonely and desperate isolation you can choose to reunite with your core...rediscover the wonder of your soul...and most importantly, know how to recognize that depth in another. When you take that time, when you embrace yourself in that dark and lonely space, know that when you arise again, you will  never be drawn in by the illusion of wonder, you will observe and discover, if it is illusion or Truth.You awaken from the darkness knowing you no longer need to tolerate the intolerable. You have endured, so that you may flourish.

According to Ted Andrews in his book "Animal Speak,"

"Butterflies bring color and joy with them. When butterflies come into your life look at how much or how little joy is within your life. Lighten up. Look for change. Don't forget that all change is good.  Butterfly medicine reminds us to make changes when the opportunities present themselves.  Transformation is inevitable, but the butterfly will help teach  you that growth and change does not have to be traumatic. It will teach you that it can occur as gently, as sweetly, and as joyfully as we wish."

Embrace the wisdom and knowing that you achieved through your transformation and spread it so others may grow...even if you do so accidently as you choose to enjoy the sweet nectar of life.

Copyright © 2014 by Diana Iannarone

If this strikes a chord with you, consider buying my book:

Me and My Shadow

Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom.

On Amazon: http://tinyurl.com/Book-and-Kindle

Power of Observation vs. Assumptions

In our daily life it is so easy to hear words, or see a behavior and make an assumption. When we make an assumption, in essence we are drawing a conclusion, however, this does not make our conclusion accurate. Yet, the more vested we get in that conclusion the more evidence may seem to appear in alignment with that conclusion. It is easy to build a picture around the beliefs you have already decided.

What if instead we simply observed. We simply observed the behaviors and words of those around us, without making an assumption. Would more be revealed? Would we then be able to see the truth instead of what we may have been inclined to assume?

Certainly assessing conflict between the words we hear and the actions we see is wise, I call this disconnect an incongruence. Yet how quickly do we decide what the truth is? We all know actions speak louder than words, every time...yet are their times we draw conclusions because of our assumptions rather than seeing what is truly occurring?

It has been my experience that since adopting a more go with the flow and trust perspective on life that my life has exponentially expanded and created experiences I would have otherwise missed. When something seems off or incongruent, meaning something doesn't line up, words and actions seem to be in conflict, I observe, I do not confront. I have no fear of confrontation, but how often do we do so when we are incorrect? As I observe an incongruence, I consider the various potential truths and draw no conclusion...and then I wait for more to be revealed.

This single decision has allowed me to see the many ways that in the past, I had likely sabotaged my own joy. I am grateful to have broken this pattern, heightening my experience of Living Free.

In my book I address this concept in several ways, here is one such rendition:

"As the observer, rather than the controller, you are able to more readily see who someone really is, not who you imagine them to be, or who they tell you they are. From the position of observer it is like you are gathering information in a barrel. Think of it like rain. Each drop of rain that drops in the barrel accumulates with the rain already in the barrel. Eventually, the rain will overflow the barrel, and you will be Awake."

Awake means, seeing the truth before you...allowing you to have more clarity on which steps to take as you move forward. Be the observer, and await as things are revealed to you.

Copyright © 2014 by Diana Iannarone

If this strikes a chord with you, consider buying my book:

Me and My Shadow

Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom.

On Amazon: http://tinyurl.com/Book-and-Kindle

Drawing Conclusions-Who will Stand For Us?

http://israelforeignaffairs.com/how-to-deal-with-a-sociopath

I didn't anticipate writing this blog. The article I just read "How to Deal with a Sociopath," (linked above),  prompted me to write.

In general I liked the content of the article, especially the list of questions to ask ourselves to assess if we may in fact be in a relationship or a situation with a sociopath.

That said, given that both the title and the content suggests an understanding of the inner workings of a sociopath, I was terribly unnerved by the response given to the question raised in a separate box within the article with the title:

                                               "Can I fight this Police Report?"

Manipulative individuals are notorious for using the police and other authorities to force us into compliance...to back down...to run away and after reading that response I can see how one might decide they better back down! That is what unnerved me...no support, no compassion for the debt or the circumstances, just seeming accusations and little else. 

In my opinion there are far too many gaps in the statement shown to us by the questioner to make the definitive conclusion referenced in the response, a portion of which reads:

"Based on your description of your behaviour in your other questions under the name 'Zalena,'. it sounds as though you most certainly have been engaging in the harassment of your ex and of his family and friends." 

I found this so unnerving that I am still very bothered by it.

It is duly noted that the responder words imply that there may be more content that the responder has reviewed that we are not being shown, and from there, potentially other information including the author's name Zalena may have been obtained. However, what about the readers and how they may feel after reading that definitive conclusion? 

"It sounds as though you most certainly have been engaging in the harassment of your ex and of his family and friends."  (Emphasis added)

Guilty! Not only guilty, but the responder further indicates that additional charges may befall her, likely inducing tremendous fear!

How many of you have been accused of being the stalker, the abuser, the one who will be in trouble with the law when you yourself HAVE done nothing wrong, as Zalena claims? 

In such instances shouldn't further investigation be made?

1. Did she reach out to the same people "on-line" over and over, or did she individually contact people once? (the responder mentions "repeated and unwanted telephone contact" yet there was no mention of telephone contact other than the cell phone text that initiated the "claims" against her.)

2. Was she badgering people after she had been asked to not contact them further? Or did anyone even suggest they did not want to be contacted?

3. Was she relentless in her pursuit and was she accusatory or defamatory in such pursuit?

We as individuals and as a group must be empowered to STAND and be heard and have conclusions drawn based on facts, not pieces of information that are incomplete. We must not allow conclusions to be cast or judgment made until reasonable effort is made to reveal the facts.

Lastly, the information provided was additionally confusing.

Zalena writes, " they replied that they were going to file a police report on me for stalking and harassment it is going to be a viable law suit for 4000 dollars."

They were "going to," does not mean they did, so the implication she was in court and her reference to the particular judgment decided, also does not make sense.

This is not to say she is NOT a stalker, or a person guilty of harassment. In fact I see some implicit implications in her words that allow for such thinking, but instead it is to say that there was not sufficient information in what was shown to us for a just decision to be made. 

I make this lengthy response because this is my passion: Justice. Helping people Stand and allowing their truth to be told. Every person has a voice and people should be heard before conclusions are drawn. So often the victims become the accused. Instead, they deserve support, guidance, and, at the very least, to get their full story out before conclusions are decided.  

Yes I stand in complete agreement with the author of the response in that "You're not entitled to engage in repeated and unwelcome telephone contact with these people. it's not an acceptable way to attempt to collect on a judgement," yet do we know that is what she has done?  

We all know that there are appropriate and inappropriate pathways to obtain an outcome. My thoughts might best summed up by one of the habits that Stephen Covey offers in the "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People."

                               "Seek first to understand, and then to be understood."

Copyright © 2014 by Diana Iannarone

If this strikes a chord with you, consider buying my book:

Me and My Shadow

Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom.

On Amazon: http://tinyurl.com/Book-and-Kindle
Visit my website: www.standingup.us

Sociopath or Narcissist-Who cares? Get out!