Toxicity is not always visible or known. Much like a Rhododendron, it can deceptively show a face a beauty and vibrancy, which at a distance can be wonderful to look at, but we must be careful what we allow ourselves to consume...or worse, consume us.
I am pleased to say that it seems to me that more and more people are Waking Up and reaching out for help to fully Awaken. I have had to believe that across our world, awareness would rise to the existence of the highly manipulative, conscienceless individuals causing destruction and havoc in our world. These individuals intend, with every ounce of their existence, to have us remain asleep, unaware of the truth of their behavior. The goal is to deceive us into a devotion of serving their purposes in whatever manner suits them. And we do so, until we Wake Up. Awake, the damage they caused becomes blatantly visible.
To Wake Up, we must step out of the delusion we have been told to believe, and acknowledge the real truth that is in front of us, rather than believe what we see in the veil that was calculatedly designed to hide that truth from view. This need to Wake Up is first in our individual worlds and then in the world at large. I am grateful for the awareness that seems to be spreading, while simultaneously devastated by the evil we must now see, that by careful orchestration was always there, but but beyond our grasp of acceptance. So in a way, we need to be grateful for the constant exposure of evil that is being shown to us everywhere...for it means evil is no longer operating under the cover of darkness; as it has for so long. Seeing the truth is what awakens us from delusion. This seemed relevant today. In alignment with this deception on the scale of our individual worlds, below a chapter from:
Me and My Shadow-Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom
The Disguise
How do these destructive relationships happen? Sometimes when you meet a person, there is some powerful attraction that you can’t quite explain. Even if you don’t feel an immediate attraction, their persistence often triggers a feeling of being deeply loved. You begin to feel like the most important person in the world, or at least in their world. You begin to believe you will be the person who will finally love them the way they have longed to be loved. The person they have longed for but could never find. Then, they tell you about their broken lives…broken until you came along of course. They often play the victim and express to you how they want to be a better person, they need you. You feel badly for their circumstances and want to rescue them. You give all you have to save them while never looking to see that you are being manipulated…played. You never even consider that for the other person it is more of a chess game then a loving encounter. You believe you are on the threshold of the most unimaginable love. This may be nothing more than a delusion.
While asleep, we see their actions as a reflection of their suffering instead of an effort to manipulate us. It is sometimes difficult to distinguish between suffering and manipulation. In our wholeness, Awake, we will more clearly know. It is as if a part of your being that was shut down can now see.
The hardest part for me was to consider that someone could actually be intentionally trying to harm me, that malice was the core of these repeated relationships, not love. Again, I was blind to the concept of evil. Those individuals who claimed to love me were actually trying to harm me by controlling me. We were playing a calculated chess game that I never even realized we were playing. Game after game, I lost. Their prize was simple; control over me.
Once I was awake, I could recognize their acts as evil. However even as I was on the road to awakening, I was slowly accumulating more awareness that perhaps what I was experiencing, was not what I was worthy of. As I changed my view of what I saw, the dynamics of the relationships radically changed. It was not until I was Awake, that I was clearly aware of the game. As I saw things differently, I acted differently. Over time, the marionette strings were cut, one by one. Once they were all cut, I was finally the driving force in my life.
In order to awaken, I began to observe the behaviors and words of others. I was trying to no longer allow others to scare me into action. In doing so I began to respond less to the manipulations. I would remind myself that they were in charge of their life. It was difficult and necessary to release their piece of the puzzle. They could walk out the door with their keys, saying they were going to drive into a tree, and I would not follow. This is not to say I became uncaring, had someone truly been in emotional anguish asking for help, rest assured I would be there. I was recognizing there was a difference. Those who were seeking help, because their own piece of the jigsaw puzzle had become too heavy and they needed help in that moment, would not routinely threaten harm to attain help. They would actively and consistently change their own behavior until they could once again hold their own piece. Those seeking to manipulate, profess their desire to change, but only have fleeting moments, if any at all, of actually attempting to better themselves. If you are helping someone who is truly in need, you will likely also feel the wonderful power of true gratitude. Gratitude isn't why you do it; but those who are sincere in their need tend to be genuinely grateful for your help. Those seeking only to manipulate are likely to forsake gratitude for a sense of entitlement. As you become more of an observer than a controller, it allows you to back away from the situation and obtain a clearer, more accurate view.
I had taught my abusers how to control me and they knew precisely how I would respond. When I didn’t respond as they expected, they were confused. They would try again, and escalate their tactics. If I watched him leave without engaging in a fight, he would quickly come back in the house claiming to have forgotten something and then claim that now he is really going to do whatever it was he was threatening to do. Keep in mind the abuser, the master manipulator, may actually leave, but they have no intention of driving into that tree, or jumping off that ledge, or pulling that trigger; they have no intention of harming themselves, only others. Even if they do harm themselves, it is not our responsibility to save them. Their intention is keep us fearing that they will harm themselves or us. The goal is control, and if the old tactics don’t work anymore, they will likely decide they just have to escalate the plan so they can get you jumping again.
Remember, it is in our desire to control the outcome that they find their power. Let go of that control. Do not be afraid of the shame, or the guilt. Do not worry. You can only behave in a manner that is in alignment with your own belief system. The rest is up to them…
In spite of all the threats of self harm, none of my abusers are dead. Even when I stopped jumping to save them, they didn’t die.
I shifted from the active controller of their outcome to the passive observer of their actions. This transition was not an easy one. My abusers went to great lengths to keep me engaged. They wanted to elicit the same guilt, the same shame. Your abuser may do the same. It has been my experience that they might come home with a bloody lip or a black eye and say something bad happened, like an accident or a fight. Perhaps they will tell you they are stuck somewhere and you have to come pick them up because they can’t drive home. They may even go as far as to do harm to themselves (scratch their own face or have a friend punch them), so you will know, they got hurt and it was your fault, it was because of you. They know your guilt will make you act, and they are not above conspiring with others to help orchestrate their control over you. All this to ensure that next time you will jump again and maybe this time, jump even higher.
They do this so that you will run to their rescue confirming what matters most to them, you are under their control. Their calculating mind was only trying to figure out what they had to say or do to get you to jump. They won’t easily give up. Their motivation is simple: they have to win.
Remember that image of your “loved” one kneeling in a puddle screaming that they are drowning? Again, see yourself jumping all around that puddle trying to save them…they have their face buried in their hands; you see their body shaking with sobs. You feel for their pain, but for the master manipulator, the shaking is not their pain, it is their laughter. The tears are not their fear, it is their joy at watching you dance and knowing that they are the choreographer.
When you are asleep, when you disown part of yourself, you are prey. In the wild a predator has to observe and study the pattern of their prey. They study so they know how to best capture their target. We make their job even easier by telling them everything in the depths of our soul. We write their script for them. But remember, the prey can observe as well.
There are other ploys to get you and keep you hooked.
They might tell you some noble act they did, like an undercover sting operation, without mentioning it was to avoid going to jail for drug use and dealing. Perhaps they will mention that in their last relationship their spouse was charged with domestic abuse, without telling you how they threatened and instigated that person until they reached breaking point. Decide to no longer take anything at face value. Perhaps they wanted to be wounded so they would have evidence that they were being abused in an effort to get sole custody of their children. Don’t tell yourself that no one would do that, everyone has the capacity for evil and those who live from their shadow are much more adept at accessing that capacity. Those who operate from their shadow may have friends in authority, and they may remind you of this fact. They thrive off of your fear.
What can we label these people who act in such harmful and brutal ways and feed off of their ability to control another? I have found most often, one word seems to fit: Sociopath. I had the constant pattern of choosing to be in relationships with men that I now deem as sociopaths. Despite their prevalence, most people have never heard the word “sociopath” in any real terms. I am stunned at what little warning of their existence is out there for us. When I use the word sociopath, I don’t mean to do so as if making a medical diagnosis. I am not a doctor. Also, as far as I know, no one I have ever encountered has received this diagnosis from a professional. Although I’m sure if they did, they would not advertise that fact. What I do know is that when I say sociopath, I am referring to someone that has no conscience and therefore no genuine remorse for their acts of cruelty and deception, and I have met more than my fair share of people who fit that description. I have found that once I had an understanding of the mechanism enough to put a label on these individuals, I was on my way to remain free from them. Call them what you will. The label we give to these abusers and manipulators is unimportant. Call them teddy bears if you would like, as long as you willing to remove them from your life.
Sociopaths are known to be charming, often likable people, who can manipulate without remorse, given they have no conscience. It is all a game to them, a chess game, a manipulation of pieces they use as pawns. Any sense of compassion or love is an illusion. They blame others, live by no rules, and are incessant liars. Often we can’t see through any of this until we are in knee deep, and sometimes not even then. If you have a sociopath in your life, know this chess game is not an easy one to walk away from. The only thing more difficult and dangerous is continuing to play.
Sociopaths are certainly charismatic, although even in your asleep state you may catch the occasional glimmer of a red flag. However, their charm causes you to immediately dismiss the warning. The sociopath will lure you in with stories of their past pain and their longing for love. They often allude to relationships with celebrities and influential people of the community in the hope of gaining trust by association. This name dropping is accompanied by photographs or other “evidence” to give some credence to their tales. These tales boast an ounce of truth, for every pound of lies. They will recognize your weaknesses and prey upon them. They will drop to their knees in reverence at the sight of a holy relic. They will weep during a feigned flood of emotion induced by a powerful sermon or a powerful hymn. They will speak of their love for their family as muted tears stream down their cheeks. They are the sensitive and spiritual partner you have been longing for. They leave you enamored with their promises of a life of happiness, love, family, support, or wealth. Through your sleepy eyes, you see only the poor broken soul as they recount how people have taken advantage of them in the past.
The people who sociopaths seek out do not see the fullness of their own beauty or power. They are often self-critical always wanting to be better, more attractive, or more successful. They want to be perfect and strive every moment for that perfection. They don’t trust their inner wisdom with a man because they desperately want to be loved and valued for their goodness by them. They think they have to earn the right to be loved, so they work harder to be better, to do better. Put another way, they are targets.
We are those targets. As individuals, we targets are often proud of our ability to provide for ourselves so sufficiently, that we unwittingly shine that success as a badge of honor—it is that shiny badge that attracts the sociopath to us. They see us in all our success and self-sufficiency and they approach us, but they see something else; something important, they see that we don’t see our greatness.
When you walk in a room, what do you perceive people see? Do you believe they see your greatness? Do you really see yourself as captivating at a deep level? It is likely that you are most often very “put together,” you are dressed to the nines, you exude confidence, you are over prepared for whatever you might have to present or do…but what do you feel on the inside? The part that defines who you are rather than what you do? We must embrace ourselves for who we are, not objectify ourselves as our appearance, or skill, or any compartmentalized aspect of ourselves, as abusive individuals do to us. To be free we must embrace the fullness of who we are; all parts of ourselves. As hard as it may be to believe and accept, these type of abusive individuals see us as objects, pawns in a game to win, and nothing more. Despite any presentation to the contrary, they do not see us as breathing, loving, feeling humans. They see no one as such.
Targets are definable. They are individuals with high self-confidence and low self-esteem.
You see as women, both good and bad men see our beauty, our success, our independence and both types of men approach us to discover more of who we are. I suspect this is the same in the inverse, meaning if a man doesn’t truly see his greatness and a woman approaches. The good man is drawn to us, yet upon closer examination he realizes something quickly—we don’t see our own greatness and beauty. Once the good man recognizes that, he generally turns and walks away because he sees that deep insecurity at the core of who we are. He knows that our insecurity will lead us to dishonor ourselves for love. An honorable man would know we weren’t ready for them. It is not his job to rescue us, it is ours. That very characteristic that makes that good man walk away is what makes that bad man hook on. He knows he can charm us, he knows he can hook us, and he knows we will do anything for love. He sees us and says “Ah…she can’t see her beauty, her greatness…she’s mine.” This is not to say that we won’t occasionally end up with decent men, for awhile, but the relationships rarely last. Either the men decide that our insecurity is unappealing, or we decide that their security is boring. There is nothing for us to fix, no one to save.
We have to decide, the person that needs saving is us, and we are our rescuer.
Given we cannot see our greatness; we spend all our energy trying to help them see theirs. Even when they present themselves as great, there is often this subtle presentation that they really need our love, our support, to feel the fullness of their greatness. Somehow they convince us that they need our help to reach their full potential…and we sign up for the task. In doing so we violate every honorable code about how we should be treated.
They pick up on our signal, and the entrapment begins. We are magnets drawing them in. Often they pursue us relentlessly. Initially, we feel their desire to know where we are or their frequent “check-ins” are loving gestures, they miss us. They may show up where we are unexpectedly. We think; what a surprise! In some ways we feel hunted, yet somehow we find a way to let their efforts makes us feel valued, important. Over time what felt like devotion becomes suffocating control. The progression is subtle, until we find ourselves in over our head. After the charming and romantic “honeymoon period” we continue to prove we want them in our life by tolerating the intolerable treatment we receive from them every day. We love them through their "healing," while we ourselves are being destroyed.
We allow ourselves to believe the message that we are bad or disloyal or a failure in some way if we don’t make it work. We apply this principle even if our abuser is not found in an intimate relationship, but a job, a community, a family, anywhere there is a manipulator getting us to move at their will. We hand them our marionette strings and then lose sight of the fact that they are in control.
We allowed those strings to be placed on us, and if they remain there long enough, the strings become ropes, and the ropes become chains. We had the option to release them at any time, but our ability to do so gets more difficult as their hold on us gets stronger and tighter. Once we allow the ropes to become chains, we need to use power and force. We will need to use our sword. In order to use our sword, we may have to first reclaim it. As you will see, we likely dropped it long ago. As women or nurturers, we often prefer not to use a sword. We always have had the power to keep ourselves safe and be gentle...by releasing the abuser at the first sign, breaking the string before it becomes a chain. Once it is a chain, it is not so simple.
Manipulators have to hurry. Their goal is to get you in too deep to easily escape before you can see the truth. Suddenly you may be living together, married, engaged, having children, merging your finances, and you find yourself asking, did I agree to this? Urgency, speed to advance the relationship is a red flag. The rules that we place upon ourselves that were created outside of ourselves become the wonderful tools that the sociopath or abuser will use against us. These men will leverage your fears and shame, your sense of duty. Somehow they convince us that if we are not willing to move quickly we must not love them…and so to prove we love them we begin to jump.
Over time, their goal is to make us have the sense that now our whole survival depends on them. So they may encourage you to quit your job and trust them, or buy a bigger house and they will take care of it…or move to another area where they can make more money to provide, meanwhile you are now far away from any support system you may have.
In reality, if you could just speak sociopath it means, “I want to remove from you all sources of independence you might have. I want to eliminate everything that can take care of you from your life, so that suddenly, you feel as though all you have as your source of survival is me. I want to separate you from your friends, your money, your family, your job and anything that might be deemed a provider of your security. I want you alone, completely and totally to myself.”
One of my abusers used to say, “I want us to be in our own little cocoon of love. I want the kind of love that when people think of me, they automatically think of you. I long for people to not be able to think of one of us without the other, almost as if we are one.” I believed this to be a statement of undying love …but now of course I can hear it as the truth—isolation. Having lost all sense of community and independence, you now feel exactly what they hoped you would feel: helpless.
Consciously or unconsciously, these abusers see who we are and know that we will let them in. They test us on a small scale and we pass with flying colors. They test to see if we will feel for their sad situation or bend our plans or ideas because of them. They see us because we choose to be a target. They test to see if we are vulnerable to them, and act once they are certain we are. If you look at your life, the part of it that is behind you, you can likely see that you have had a pattern of allowing others to control you at some levels. Those that have not had that pattern can still be susceptible. Often we become susceptible to engaging with a sociopath after we have a traumatic experience such as a death, divorce, job loss; anything that shakes our stability and makes us vulnerable, makes us a more likely target for a sociopath or someone who wishes to control us. These individuals troll for vulnerable people. It is like they can smell us; we are bait.
The soft and charismatic beginning often shifts to what we see as passion, although it is really just anger and control. We believe that their jealousy is understandable; they have been hurt in the past. We will gladly remove any remnant of a past relationship such as a photo or keepsake at their request or more likely, their demand or insistent pleas. We are surprised by how few friends they have or how they are alienated from their family. They tell us it is because of their past. Their past mistakes perhaps—everyone loves a good redemption story. Perhaps they lost everything through no fault of their own. They spin a tale of victimization, something we can relate to. They tell us they had wealth, had success, but it was taken from them. In contrast, they may be quite successful when they enter our lives. These people will claim to have earned their success like many who have gone before them, but in truth, these people have littered their paths to success with the destruction of others.
I speak of these men in my past as if there were never good times, but there were. Perhaps recognizing the abuse would have been easier if there were not glorious breaks from it. The moments of joy sustained me, as I hoped and longed for the next one. I have spoken of the fairy tale beginning to these relationships. They were full of grand romantic gestures, soul-bearing conversations, and laughter. This charade would often be repeated if the abuser suspected I may be pulling away. However, the illusion of romance was not only for my benefit, it was so that everyone we encountered, friends, strangers, relatives, would think I had found Prince Charming. They saw the dinners, the flowers, the limos, the vacations. What they couldn’t see was what went on behind closed doors.
We stay in these relationships tolerating the intolerable because of the moments where they show us love, that is just as powerful as their hate. We do not see their hate as malice, but as wounds they long to heal. To gain that love feels so good. We keep hoping that we can heal them enough so that someday the love will be our life, the hate will melt away, and our fairy tale will come true.
Those moments that capture our heart and bring us into the delusion of their love so deep, a tenderness so seemingly real, that we stay hoping for another morsel, another moment that gives us the illusion we are loved. Those are the moments that set the hook ever deeper.
To me, the abuse I experienced was nothing more than a demonstration of his pain. Asleep, I was unaware that what I was experiencing was in fact abuse. I saw nothing wrong with occasionally sharing with a family member an interaction that illustrated this pain. I would tell them of his tormented soul, and I expected compassion for his suffering. I was confused when these stories were met with the occasional suggestion I should leave him. I didn't understand their perspective. Obviously, I never listened. It wasn't until I could see for myself that I was being abused, that I was willing to walk away.
I see why others struggle to understand why we stay. Why would someone choose to be in an abusive relationship? To those of us who stay, it is not a conscious choice, it is an outcome. Everything happens so quickly! In some of these dangerous relationships the victim, like I was, is completely unconscious of the reality that they should fear for their life. If they became conscious of this fear and felt they could not escape, they would be terrified. Neglecting to experience this fear helps to keep us asleep.
How safe these abusers must feel knowing they can harm us in any way possible, while also knowing we are devotedly concerned with their safety. We do all we can to help them avoid consequences or harm. And even when they inflict harm upon us, we will never call the police, or if we do, we may also bail them out. They know we will never give the full details of the gravity of what they have done to others or to us. We will minimize the harm they have repeatedly caused. In fact our most compelling lie, aside from the one we tell ourselves, would be the one told in the interest of protecting the abuser whose spell we are deeply under.
Once Awake, all of the distortions in our views vanish, seemingly like magic.
Within days of waking, I was for the first time introduced to the concept of the sociopath. All this time I was living in their world, asleep to the fact that they existed. I didn’t know what I did not know, and that proved very dangerous. If you are unfamiliar with the term sociopath, let me share that one in 25 people or roughly 4% of the population is sociopathic according to Martha Stout, Ph.D., author of The Sociopath Next Door.
Remember in all areas of your life there is potential for an encounter with a sociopath. Throughout this book I speak more about men being sociopathic. I want to state that I only do so for two reasons:
- It is statistically true that it is more prevalent that men are the abuser/sociopath.
- Being a woman, it is the experience I encountered.
Be clear though, men have and do fall victim to sociopathic or abusive women. Sociopaths harm, regardless of gender. They are indiscriminate in their search. They seek only qualified targets. Remember too that these predators are not just prowling the streets for romance; they are simply looking for games that look fun to play. Fun for the sociopath is premised on the belief they can win. Winning is about control. So although I refer to the abuser as him, since for me that was the case, I hope to reach all people enduring abuse at all levels of life by any abuser. Given their prevalence, it is almost inevitable that all of us have crossed paths with a sociopath or abuser of some kind, so it might be wise to see and know the signs of their presence.
The amount of harm the abuser or sociopath in your life is capable of inflicting is unique to them. My history has given me more than my fair share of experience with these individuals, and I have seen no two precisely alike. It may be possible that they can heal if they want to. However, if you find yourself with a person who fits the parameters I have described, I suggest removing yourself from the situation until you have solid evidence of that healing.
Once you are awake, your awareness allows you to see that which you denied before. They sense your wholeness, your acceptance of your greatness, and they fear your ability to recognize them. Awake, you can see now that they are living from the shadow. You alone cannot cause them to live from the light, any more than they can cause you to live from the shadow. You will finally realize you cannot shine your light on them in a manner that will bring them out from their shadow. Instead you will realize that you are covered in their darkness and will move toward freedom.
They want easy targets. Choose not to be one. Observe the red flags. Be aware.
Let your eyes be wide open to who might be the sociopath in your life. As I said, it may not be your intimate partner, it may be a sibling, a parent, or a boss …and you are tormenting yourself trying to get them to love, respect, honor or care about you or the circumstances of your life. You want desperately to elicit their compassion. You need to realize they are incapable of true compassion, although they can "act" compassionately if it will serve them. In fact, sociopaths are wonderful actors. They can feign the most complex of emotions if it serves them. Love, compassion, remorse are emotions they can portray, they can play the part, but you will not find these emotions in the blackened heart of a shadow dweller.
Once you awaken and know the truth, you can and will be free. It is about learning, no, remembering, to trust yourself to act from a place of wisdom and stay safe. When we Wake Up, seemingly inexplicably, the sociopath seems to know we can see them as the manipulators they are and then their interest often moves to avoiding us. Not at first perhaps, but over time. And once we are truly Awake, the sociopath no longer seeks to engage us in a relationship. We fail their test. Like magic, sociopaths hide from us. They prefer easy prey.
I commit to you that once you wake up the information you need to help you get to safety will appear, because when you wake up, in essence, your energetic makeup changes and you invite in those who can help you. This reality is very powerful. The fact that I was introduced to the concept of sociopath days after waking was no coincidence, and the messages I needed kept arriving.
If you feel diminished, exhausted, confused, numb, depressed or helpless, you just may be under the control of a sociopath or a master manipulator of some sort. To escape that life you need boundaries and awareness. You can be free from the hell you are in. It is not easy, but it is well worth it.
The three questions I most often ask my clients when I suspect they are dealing with a sociopath are:
- Does he offer compassion, genuine true compassion when he hurts your feelings or harms you?
- Are you free to express your emotions, even if it means expressing anger or crying?
- When is the last time you stood up to authority?
The answers to these questions paint a picture. One you will clearly see with your awareness of this phenomenon.
Redthorn Solutions LLC
Your Partner For Conflict and Crisis Resolution
All Partnering done via phone or Internet
All Partnering done via phone or Internet
If this content strikes a chord with you, consider buying Diana's story which was written to serve as a guide to freedom:
Me and My Shadow
Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom.
On Amazon: http://tinyurl.com/Book-Kindle-D-Iannarone
Diana, founder of Redthorn Solutions LLC is neither a medical professional nor a lawyer. The thoughts in this blog are opinion only. To learn more about our work go to
www.redthornsolutions.com
Our Mission:
Partnering with people to relinquish their chaos and confusion in exchange for clarity and resolution from whatever crisis they find themselves in.
We do not give legal advice, nor do we use legal principles to apply to your circumstances. Instead we focus on how to empower you to communicate and use proper positioning to overcome any struggle through influential and concise communications. We guide people to Wake Up, then Stand Up, so that they may Live Freely.
