Find the Courage to Name it: Abuse

People often don't know they are in an abusive situation. One might wonder why they don't know. Well, when for a full lifetime people have been led to believe they are responsible for the reactions and responses of others, they own it. They feel they need to do better or be better so that that their circumstances can change. Also the abuse, the mind control, are often so subtle that they are not, over time, easily recognizable. It is like the boiling frog, it happens gradually and they are now unaware of the truth of their circumstances, until they are entrenched in it and all they know is they hurt, but many times they are still unaware of what the truth of their hurt and circumstances are.

Often when I say in response to someone who shared with me an experience they had with someone they believe wants to love them, "that is abusive"...people immediately jump to denial. They then begin excusing away the behavior of those that they think they "love." They speak of the poor difficult childhood of the party who is diminishing and destroying their spirit, and I remind them, we are not children anymore. I then ask "Would you do the things that are right now being done to you?" At which time, and without fail, I receive and emphatic "NO!" "Why is that?" I respond. Which always leads to a slight gasp as they realize that the appropriate label of the behavior that moments ago they felt was okay to endure, is in fact cruelty, mean, something they wish never to be, but are evidently willing to accept. So why would we allow such treatment of ourselves? Does that not suggest we believe we are less worthy? Loving yourself fully will indeed heal every wound. Love yourself where you are and how you are. Without exception.

We are responsible for our behavior, and although compassion can be offered for the poor, diminishing and loveless childhood, at some point, excuses are not acceptable. Ultimately we are each responsible for who we become, and if we are truly interested in recovery, we would be putting forth effort. So if the person whose behavior you are excusing away has less devotion than you do to their healing, you will not arrive where you hope to. And don't be fooled by the two week improvement to keep you on the hook and in their "game."  You deserve the real deal, don't settle for anything less. Anything in opposition to Love is something less that you deserve.

My experience is that most times, the abuser is not looking to heal, only saying they want to and will as they fear you will leave, but not seeking anything to actually allow that to happen. Each and every one of us are both author and authority in our life. We create the quality of our life, and sometimes that means we have to release people from our grip rather than try to mold them into who we wish them to be, and accept that they will never be the person they promised or that we wish they were. This is okay. They have the right to be precisely who they are. Be thankful for the gift of now knowing what you don't want, so you can find what you do want. And the sooner we realize that and move forward seeking and manifesting what which we now know we truly deserve, the quicker happiness and freedom will be experienced as real; because it is.

Copyright © 2014 by Diana Iannarone

Redthorn Solutions LLCYour Partner For Conflict and Crisis Resolution
All Partnering done via phone or Internet

If this content strikes a chord with you, consider buying Diana's story which was written to serve as a guide to freedom:

Me and My Shadow

Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom.

 On Amazon: http://tinyurl.com/Book-Kindle-D-Iannarone

Diana, founder of Redthorn Solutions LLC is neither a medical professional nor a lawyer. The thoughts in this blog are opinion only. To learn more about our work go to www.redthornsolutions.com

Our Mission: 

​Partnering with people to relinquish their chaos and confusion in exchange for clarity and resolution from whatever crisis they find themselves in. 

We do not give legal advice, nor do we use legal principles to apply to your circumstances. Instead we focus on how to empower you to communicate and use proper positioning to overcome any struggle through influential and concise communications. We guide people to Wake Up, then Stand Up, so that they may Live Freely.

The Power to Restore Your Heart Is Within You!

So what makes us numb out our heart in favor of our mind?  As a result of a life time of being told our feelings are wrong, we simply lose trust.  We don't trust that we are wise enough to know how we feel, but who could be more aware of how we feel than us?  Where we went wrong was allowing someone outside of ourselves to set the standard for our own feelings. We allowed people outside of ourselves to tell us if our feelings were right or wrong instead of trusting and honoring our feelings. As a result, slowly we not only lost our trust in ourselves and thereby our own ability to be the authority in our life, we also numbed our heart, became fearful of connection, fearful that we would hurt someone or be hurt in return. Yet, our heart is all knowing and it is only not trusting it that leads us astray.

So to be free, we must return to ourselves, we must reenter our heart and we must trust our own inner knowing. When we have buried it so deeply, it may be difficult to access at first, spend time with you, journal, re-enter your full self...many times we have detached completely from ourselves.  It is as if we are not even in our body, only in our minds. And from that place it can feel quite barren, empty, lonely, isolating. You have the power to come back to full life.

Here are some thoughts on topic from Me and My Shadow, Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom.

In order to rebuild the self-esteem and self-confidence that we have lost over our lifetimes, we must begin to be the parent to ourselves. Who knows what we need better than we do? Remember, we are each holding the hand of the little child inside of us. We must nurture this child until this child knows that we, the adult, can be trusted to take care of him or her. We must build our toolkit and learn how to offer ourselves the love and acceptance that we have been denied. We cannot expect to find external love until we have found it within ourselves.

When our feelings become too much to bear, we stop feeling them and start thinking them. Our emotions move from our hearts to our heads. We feel only our numbness in our hearts. We operate in our mind because of fear. This has been our defense, our default. This is how we "keep it together." We think our feelings by overanalyzing. We replay situations in our minds over and over. We try to strategize, try to control. We end up being frenetic and anxious. Feelings are not meant for the mind, they are meant for the heart.

Allow me to provide you with a useful exercise in moving from your mind to your heart. Sit quietly, inhale and exhale slowly. Release all the tension in every part of your body, your "happy place" can help. Once you do that, imagine a very small version of yourself coming down a ladder from your brain or mind, to your heart. See a little door in front of your heart and consider stepping in.

Some people are too terrified to step in. Pretend there is someone with you, anyone you’d like, even if they don’t really exist, and attempt to walk in. Meet your heart. As you see the contents of your heart, just pour love, however you envision love, on everything you see or feel. Begin to once again embrace the feeling power of your heart.

This is not to discount the power of our minds, they are powerful and necessary parts of who we are. Our hearts are as well. Obtaining congruence between your heart and your mind leads to a congruent, healthy and flowing body, mind, and spirit. If we only use our minds, it is as if we are only using our left hands. We can get things done, but it is difficult with only one hand. Let the other hand join, and our power exponentially increases. Use both hands…mind and heart. Over time, you can use the whole of you, mind, body, and spirit. There is no shame in feeling our emotions in our heart. We no longer need our facade of invulnerability. After all of the time that we have been numb, we may have forgotten how to feel. We may not be aware that we are feeling anything, let alone what those feelings are. We must regain access to our hearts by beginning in the place where we currently are, our minds.

A simple action to begin rebuilding your self-esteem is to imagine you have sticky labels, and throughout the day, label your emotions. Sad, angry, hurt, afraid, label the positive ones too. There is never a "wrong" emotion. Any emotion that shows up is the right emotion to lead us to the truth about ourselves. Don't argue with your feelings. Through allowing yourself to acknowledge your feelings, you begin to be more self-aware. By consciously and actively labeling our emotions, we are forcing ourselves to be introspective.

Wherever you are in your life right now, no matter how detached you may feel, know that the longing that you have is the longing for you. Spent time with you, reacquaint yourself with the parts of you that were directed to disappear by those who wanted to define you. You define you...and  you are beautiful.

Copyright © 2014 by Diana Iannarone

Redthorn Solutions LLCYour Partner For Conflict and Crisis Resolution
All Partnering done via phone or Internet

If this content strikes a chord with you, consider buying Diana's story which was written to serve as a guide to freedom:

Me and My Shadow

Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom.

 On Amazon: http://tinyurl.com/Book-Kindle-D-Iannarone

Diana, founder of Redthorn Solutions LLC is neither a medical professional nor a lawyer. The thoughts in this blog are opinion only. To learn more about our work go to www.redthornsolutions.com

Our Mission: 

​Partnering with people to relinquish their chaos and confusion in exchange for clarity and resolution from whatever crisis they find themselves in. 

We do not give legal advice, nor do we use legal principles to apply to your circumstances. Instead we focus on how to empower you to communicate and use proper positioning to overcome any struggle through influential and concise communications. We guide people to Wake Up, then Stand Up, so that they may Live Freely.

Alicia Keys - We Are Here (Official Video)

I love her and hadn't heard this song, this touched me at the deepest part of my soul, the song and her words beneath it...I think she is speaking of what many of us feel in our heart and somehow, we have to join our energy so that the knowing of our soul can shift to a world of Love. Love of each other, not Love of Power, Greed and Control...

I know many of you stand with me in the awareness that people are not objects...yet society objectifies people every day. If individually more of us can awaken and join together to help people REMEMBER, we can live in the world we all want, but so far have been unable to attain because those "in charge" wish to manipulate and blind, using fear as their weapon. The fear that is being shown to us is an illusion to make us support the unthinkable thinking it is what we need for our survival. Behind those lies is a world that simply longs for Love.~dri