Excerpt Me & My Shadow:
Boundaries are vital. Back Up, Wake up, Stand Up, Live Free!
We believe that we are invulnerable. We often believe we don’t need any help; we can tackle it all on our own. We believe we can not only hold our piece of the jigsaw puzzle, we perceive we can hold everyone else’s also. Actually, at the most important levels, I was not even carrying my own piece, no one was. I carried others' pieces out of what I thought was love; however, they were manipulating me, using my fear of shame and guilt; I simply wouldn’t see. It was always my choice. There was always that little voice in my head telling me to stop. It just seemed so impossible, impossible to let go. Carrying their pieces is all I knew. I thought it was my responsibility.
Control less, observe more, focus on you,
and be surrounded by only love.
It was letting go of those pieces, releasing the pieces of the men in my life that I held onto so tightly, that was absolutely necessary to wake up. A key step to waking up is releasing. I began letting go of the pieces while in my final abusive relationships. Once I let go of their pieces, I really began to see the true colors of my abusers. Colors that were obstructed from view, as long as I saw myself as the person who had to keep them safe, keep their affairs in order; assure that they never got hurt; hold tightly to their pieces. While I was carrying their pieces I was too tired and distracted to see the need to carry my own. Once I let go of their pieces, my path to freedom became visible.
So, to step closer to freedom you must wake up. To wake up, I recommend you let go of everyone else’s piece to the extent that you can, remain safe, and start focusing on you. This sounds so simple but it is not. At first you will likely feel much like you may have felt when you first saw your child fall. You will want to run to their rescue, feeling an obligation as if it is your responsibility to save them.
If their intentions have been disingenuous, any contrary illusion has been by their design, and you were willing to take the role. You need to release it. Release their piece. Know that when you do, just as they have each time their manipulations fail to work, you may see them escalate. They may appear to need you more than ever. Remember, it is not about love, it is about chess.
Holding someone’s piece means that you are letting yourself be responsible and accountable for the things that they should be caring for themselves. You do this, in most cases, because you don’t want them to fall. You may fear the guilt and shame associated with their falling. Further though, you may perceive that their falling will hurt you in some way. You may need to be okay with that.
For example, my obsessive devotion to the boundary that dictated that no bill was ever late, that nothing could harm my credit, was part of the compulsion that kept me carrying their piece. I never wanted an indication anywhere that I was irresponsible. The most irresponsible thing I did was letting that fear, the fear that something bad would happen, be a trump card that people could leverage to my destruction.
Let go of your desire to control outcomes. We can only control our actions and thoughts, which will lead to outcomes. When we focus on simply doing what is right from moment to moment, and stop dwelling on the outcomes, we will be in essence eliminating all trump cards. If you are acting from a "right" place, the outcomes will take care of themselves. To exemplify, my daughter and I both love to cook. I nearly always use a recipe. My daughter on the other hand, never follows a recipe. When I ask her how she knows how the meal will turn out without a recipe she tells me, "I know if I am cooking with good, fresh ingredients, I can do almost anything with them and it will be delicious." This is the same concept. If you act from a place of goodness and integrity as defined by your belief system, then you are using only the best, freshest ingredients. You are bound to have a good outcome. While I have reasonably mastered this concept in life, apparently I still need my daughter’s push to embrace this truth in the kitchen!
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If the content in this blog strikes a chord with you, consider buying Diana's story which was written to serve as a guide to freedom:
Me and My Shadow
Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom
