Reactions Are Your Teacher

Your reactions are your teacher. When you react defensively to a situation know that you have likely found a wound. A wounded person, reacts. They react because their wound has been hit and it hurts. Certainly someone may have been being thoughtless in their words, and therefore it is hurtful, yet your reaction defines YOU, not them.

So when you feel the propensity to want to react, versus calmly respond, ask yourself what really happened.

Certainly if someone insults you, it can be offensive, yet the level of anger it triggers lets you know what is going on within you. We might agree that someone saying you look fat, for example, is derogatory, hurtful, even abusive. That said, if I had no insecurities about my weight, I might see their words as unkind, yet I would not feel defensive.

Why?

I wouldn’t see that I had anything to defend.

Sure I might decide I no longer wish to associate with this person, true. However, in my secure position about my body I would not be inclined to attack back or defend myself.

When we are defending ourselves, often times we are merely trying to convince ourselves of something we don’t believe! And after we exhaust ourselves with our explanations as to all the reasons it is not true we are fat, now, we not only feel fat, we feel exhausted in addition to the mix of other emotions coursing through our body. Or at minimum, perhaps we just feel completely misunderstood which has with it its own set of challenges.

So when you feel that act of defensiveness, this knee jerk need to react—breathe. Pause, and ask yourself is there an element of truth in my mind to this statement?

Using the weight analogy, if the answer is that your weight bothers you, then make a mental note. I need to do something about my weight. Do not waste one morsel of your precious energy looking to convince the other party of anything.

As Benjamin Franklin stated “A man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still.”

Your wounds are yours. Ask yourself, when as a child did I have this same feeling? Meaning the feeling you felt when in the present moment someone called you fat. Now of course, this is just an analogy. I don’t think there are many “adults” that go around directly calling someone fat (except in some intimate abusive relationships). Yet, what about suggesting you did something incorrectly, or you were wrong in your opinion of a circumstance, or that your work was not up to par, or you were accused of being disloyal in a relationship…the list goes on and on of the potentially false or cruel assertions that can be cast upon us. Yet, the key is to evaluate what is going on inside you as this happens.

Pull yourself back to a time you FELT that same way, and you will begin to reveal the source of your wound. Remember, it is not necessarily the same experience, not the same words you just heard, it is just that you FELT the same way. Relate to the feeling. Don’t filter, go with the first thing that pops up and begin to journal on that.

Be okay with going back in that moment, and in your journal saying everything you wish you would have said in that space in time. Direct your emotions toward the person that previously triggered your defenses, even if in that real moment, you had to remain silent.

As children we could not always speak up due to fear of consequence from our parents, our then authorities. This exercise of revisiting this pain is a private matter. You do not have to address this with the person that may have harmed you all those years ago. You just need to realize, for each wound you heal, you are one step closer to full freedom. If there are no wounds, you do far better at not taking things personally. You will be less defensive, and more open. You will take feedback more in stride, and be able to differentiate what is valid and what is not, and your self-awareness will help you respond appropriately, not defensively.

Bottom line, as you heal, you will be able to communicate through false statements made about you, if it is necessary to do so, or dismiss them with a simple it is interesting you feel that way, if it is not necessary to clarify. More often than not, explaining is just a waste of our valuable energy that serves little purpose in changing anything. Less is often more. If you are accused of cheating in a relationship for example, you can just say: I am trustworthy. There is no need to give a diatribe or similar long-winded response to prove it. The truth simply is.

The more you heal your wounds, the more your self-esteem soars, the more freedom you have in your every moment.

Don’t try and convince others who you are, just be who you are. That is freedom.

Wake Up to how you're operating from past hurts, Stand Up for your non-negotiable qualities and Live Free into your next reality.

Life is not meant to be a struggle, and healing from harsh forces is a beautiful, gentle awakening to the one limiting core belief—the red thorn—that can be gently released (not extracted).

Cut Your Root of Captivity.

Email Diana@redthornsolutions.com for a free initial consultation. Or order our Guide to Freedom

“Me & My Shadow” by Diana Iannarone on Amazon.

We do not give legal advice, nor do we use legal principles to apply to your circumstances. We are neither lawyers nor medical professionals.

Don't Get Shattered

It is our illusion of invulnerability that makes us vulnerable. So often we believe we are invincible, we have the stamina and endurance to do it all. Part of why we believe it, is because we have done so most of our lives and done so successfully. Without obvious symptoms, nothing causes us to stop and evaluate. We keep going, we keep pushing, we keep driving. We often are unaware, or unconsciously avoiding acknowledging the truth. The truth that there may be grave consequences to our belief that we are invulnerable.

Are we deluding ourselves into believing that everything is okay? Do we believe there is no cost to our health or well-being in our martyr like principles? Do we even realize we are suffering?

Many times the answer is no, until that moment…that moment where everything changes and we can see what we refused to see.

Many times we do so much and carry so much, because we feel to ask for help makes us weak, so we continue to endure. Often we attribute vulnerability with weakness. Yet the truth is, we are all vulnerable, and to be truly free we must acknowledge this truth.

No matter how much life may be soaring along, in any moment, one breath— everything can change.

We can lose our job, lose someone we love, lose our health, our money, or all of these things in momentary points in time.

And then we will stop.

And then we will evaluate.

What if we chose instead to do it now? To bring ourselves into the reality of our present circumstance? What if we chose to evaluate where we might be vulnerable; where we might be over reaching to help others or not taking care of ourselves?

In my book Me & My Shadow, Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom, I give this visual as I encourage self-evaluation.

As you begin to look into yourself, it may be helpful to see an image of the world as a jigsaw puzzle. Now visualize the people of that world each holding their piece of that puzzle over their head. If each person held their own piece of that puzzle, the world would be at peace. In reality each of us observes how another is holding his or her piece and then we often judge them. We decide if they are holding their piece the right way or the wrong way, according to us. Or perhaps we decide that person isn’t holding their piece at all, so we may begin our powerful and often disastrous function of trying to hold their piece for them. So what do you think happens as each of us stretches our fingers out far and wide to hold the pieces of those around us, perhaps disregarding the one over our head? We lose our stability. We are no longer steady on our feet, as our strength begins to diminish. The more we try to hold the pieces of those around us, the greater the likelihood that our piece will fall, along with all those pieces that others have let go of given we were willing to carry them.

Then what?

Fall down seven, get up eight. It is when we are on the ground, broken, we can rebuild.

But must we fall to pieces? Must we crash to the ground?

What if we paid more attention to ourselves as we journeyed through life? Might that keep us from breaking?

 Perhaps in our evaluation we can ask ourselves if we have a propensity to control. Ask ourselves if we are disabling those around us by doing things for them that they should be doing for themselves. What if we took a moment to breathe, and admitted that perhaps we need to ask for help? And is it possible that we are allowing ourselves to be manipulated by those who have been taught that we will do anything, even if it is harming us?  How many pieces are you carrying, and how many are your own?

How often do you believe not only that you can do it all, but you must? Either because you don’t trust others to do it, or you feel guilty if you don’t do more than your fair share. I am not referring to helping those in need, real need, I am referring to us operating from core childhood wounds that give us a distorted view of what we must do to be loved, accepted and valued.

How much harm are we causing ourselves by not healing those wounds and thereby setting us free to live life on our terms, the ones that we set?

I carried an illusion of invulnerability for many years of my life, and I do know what it feels like to have all the pieces fall to the ground. And when you pick them back up, you will be more selective, you will be more self-aware, you will see all the things you were deluded to before. You will see all the things you never stepped back to look at, and you will realize, you were vulnerable, as I did.

Our vulnerability is real. Our illusion that we are invulnerable is the lie. Vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness, it takes courage to be vulnerable. Honest transparency of our fears and ourselves creates depth in safe relationships, and validation of us in every moment. Paying attention to how we feel. Acknowledging what we need, what we desire, and who we are, allows for our full genuine engagement in our life.

This is where freedom resides. This is where are new life begins.

And know that in this process of moving from waking up, aware of our situation and how we are possibly dishonoring ourselves, to standing up where we begin to change the dynamics of our life takes awareness and courage. This means utilizing the art of saying no, with no guilt, fear or explanation. Boldly becoming clear that you can say yes to things that make you a priority in your life. Start now to have more conscious awareness, begin to heal those wounds that leave you more vulnerable to being broken.

Wake Up to how you're operating from past hurts, Stand Up for your non-negotiable qualities and Live Free into your next reality.

Life is not meant to be a struggle, and healing from harsh forces is a beautiful, gentle awakening to the one limiting core belief—the red thorn—that can be gently released (not extracted).

Cut Your Root of Captivity.

Email Diana@redthornsolutions.com for a free initial consultation. Or order our Guide to Freedom

“Me & My Shadow” by Diana Iannarone on Amazon.

We do not give legal advice, nor do we use legal principles to apply to your circumstances. We are neither lawyers nor medical professionals.

Could You Be Your Own Antagonist?

As you listen to your own internal voice and imagine it being externalized, how do you feel? Would you be elated that people could hear and rejoice in the love and acceptance you have for yourself? Would they be honored to hear what you thought about them?

Or would it be hard to hear your words because they are so self-deprecating and destructive? Or because they are so harshly judging of all those around you?

In my many years of teaching perception to large groups I would ask—What if people could hear what you think louder than what you say? Imagine.

I am not speaking of the words you DO say, I am addressing that inner voice. Would that inner voice externalized, be a welcomed message of grace and love?

Inside our head is our own parent to ourselves. Who is that parent? Is this parent loving and accepting? Are their words filled with trust, optimism and hope? Does the parental voice build you up and remind you of your all-encompassing beauty? Or does it judge and condemn you through comparison or self-criticism? Does it observe and uplift others or judge those around you that seemingly have it more together than you or are more beautiful or more successful than you in your eyes?

Your eyes, are what is painting the picture of your truth. What if reality is nothing more than what you choose to see? Would you want to change the messages from your voice, to see something more joyful? No words inside you, about you, should project shame. Shame is the heaviest of emotions. To be fulfilled and happy, shame must be released.

What if you imagined for the remainder of your month that your narration in your mind was projected out for the world to hear…would it help you shift to gratitude, appreciation, love and acceptance?

Give it a try, it could change your life. Consider going deeper by capturing your thoughts on paper. Read them aloud to yourself, feeling within you the response if the world could hear. Be kind to yourself, for when you embrace fully self-love, no one can rock you off your foundation. We all deserved the best most loving parent, imagine if we can at least be that for ourselves. Then our self-esteem would bring us to a place where we had so much love to give, and so much energy to give it.

The quality of your life is purely in your hands.

Wake Up to how you're operating from past hurts, Stand Up for your non-negotiable qualities and Live Free into your next reality.

Life is not meant to be a struggle, and healing from harsh forces is a beautiful, gentle awakening to the one limiting core belief—the red thorn—that can be gently released (not extracted).

Cut Your Root of Captivity.

Email Diana@redthornsolutions.com for a free initial consultation. Or order our Guide to Freedom

“Me & My Shadow” by Diana Iannarone on Amazon.

We do not give legal advice, nor do we use legal principles to apply to your circumstances. We are neither lawyers nor medical professionals.