Never be deceived into believing there is no beauty left. If you need help finding it reach out for a free one hour call/Skype Consultation.
Wednesday, December 19, 2018
Monday, November 26, 2018
Wednesday, November 21, 2018
Traits of a Sociopath Victim
Remember, as it is time to give Thanks to give yourself permission to be happy and free from any type of abuse or controls. Perhaps it is time to evaluate your life and decide if you can be happier and freer than you feel right now. I thought perhaps this blog I wrote some time ago might be a good reminder to evaluate your situation and if you need help reach out for a free phone/skype consultation.
1.The traits of a target victim that these individuals seek and attempt to destroy.
2.The traits of the individual victim after experiencing the abuse in these situations.
I found the information on the aftermath to be reasonably accurate, yet I found the depiction of who the target is to be considerably off base. So I felt the need to address it.
As always, this is simply my view. I am not a medical professional. I did however, write a book Me & My Shadow Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom depicting my life experiences in these types of relationships, and my pathway to releasing myself from being a repeated victim of these individuals. In addition, I have been coaching for 13 years and since 2008 a large segment of my client base are those that have come to me with their plight, which of course unsurprisingly mirrored mine. And these men and women who told me their stories needed guidance on how to, as I put it, Wake Up, Stand Up, Live Free.
Wake Up, in essence is facing reality. Stand Up, is beginning to no longer tolerate the intolerable, and Live Free, is finally having what I refer to as an internal locus of control.
Your Life-Your Terms.
It is possible to no longer be driven by the opinions and feelings of others and yet still have compassion and the ability to compromise.
Freedom comes when you simply commit to never betraying yourself again.
To effectively do this is conscious work. To resolve this permanently requires that you:
Each of these individuals that came to me needing help, all resembled many of the traits I had. They were NOT shy, timid, self doubting, or lacking in confidence as some of the information out there suggests...none of these 100s upon 100s of individuals fell into those characteristics.
As a result I am quite convicted in my beliefs.
The stories I hear daily are so similar in that the manipulative tactics are predictable once you know how to recognize the patterns that these relationships ALWAYS hold. Always. Briefly into any conversation, people are stunned that I can know what happened next. I am not a rocket scientist. It is simply a matter of patterns of behavior. Their perpetrators' proactive patterns, as well as their response patterns. And of course, we too who were the victims, have patterns that place us, and keep us in this cycle.
Until we Wake Up.
My Run Down of the Traits and the Downhill Progression of the Sociopath Victim
My focus here is not to define the sociopath. Instead it is to more clearly define the victim. I do have other blogs and videos that focus on the sociopath/narcissist traits based on my, and my applicable clients' experiences.
This is a partial list of the traits that define a target of sociopathic abuse. This is who they are at the beginning:
High Self-Confidence
Successful at almost anything they passionately choose to do
Many Friends
Loved by family
Devoted
Kind
Loyal
Honest (often CAN'T Lie)
Strong values and ethics
Goal oriented
Capable
Forthright & Articulate
They also:
Want to help others (without being conscious of how it might be hurting themselves).
Believe in giving people second and third chances (sadly 200-3000).
Want to believe the promises of others. In fact, they get hooked into the dream of those promises.
Believe they can help the man or woman become the person they claim they wish to be.
Always seeking to self-improve, take ownership, & strive to do better and be better (Which is why they are willing to believe something is their fault, that isn't).
Believe words over and over even if the actions don't line up, because they are hopeful, optimistic people and want to keep believing in those they believe they love.
In spite of all those wonderful traits, they have low self-esteem. Don't get me wrong, these individuals of course have their broad set of flaws, not the least of which is they are attracted to sociopaths. It is just that this one, is by far what leads them to let abuse remain in their life: Low Self-Esteem.
Having been in this position myself, I would say I had no idea I didn't have self-esteem. I was confusing it with self-confidence. We do not realize we are worthy of being loved just because we exist. That is a sign of low self-esteem. People with low self-esteem do not give their feelings the credence they deserve. They tend to sacrifice too much to please others, because they long for someone to complete them. Someone to fill the void they believe they have.
To get that love they long for, they think they have to DO for others...and because they have high self-confidence and strong stamina and endurance, they will not stop until they succeed, but instead they finally break.
And they are not used to failing and they don't want to fail at the relationship, anymore than they want to fail at anything. However, THIS is their biggest desire. To make their relationship work. They lose themselves in the effort, they become invisible. They forget they exist.
What they don't realize is that the reason why they fail, is their goal is impossible.
They are manipulated by their intimate partner (or boss, sibling, parent) into believing it is possible, and that promise of that happy life keeps them trying.
Their HOPE is actually the weapon used against them. Hope leads them to destruction...until they are shattered.
As the relationship progresses the strong person has deteriorated as follows:
Massive self-doubt
Losing their sense of purpose
Constantly confused
Doesn't understand what went wrong
Largely accepts the blame
Feel they failed their partner
Sees no way to recover
Becomes paralyzed, frozen...unable to move past the present conditions
Unable to concentrate
Trouble reading
Trouble sleeping
Anxiety
They tell the truth, so it is incomprehensible that they are not being believed. Resulting in their constantly over explaining to try and express their true intentions, actions and so on, to the point of exhaustion.
Maybe it was my fault, I must have caused this, I should have responded or acted differently.
The more lost and confused they get from the constant contradictions and being told they are someone different than they are, the more the accusations begin to feel real.
They begin to think they are crazy.
They have trouble maintaining all the demands of everything they do because they are doing beyond their share, because they are carrying themselves, the family, often the financials/work/business, and exhaustion is taking over.
They begin to look for something to numb. Food, alcohol, drugs, television, anything to get a small escape from the blame, the belittling, the manipulation...until they can see it for what it is.
Which Sadly is at Breaking point...
A final moment that flips a switch and reality becomes clear.
Breaking point, is when they WAKE UP.
It places them in a tailspin.
Suddenly they are very fearful of their situation.
Like a tapestry, every piece of their lives that made no sense before, comes into clarity...it is too much to bear.
The tapestry gets larger and larger as information starts to come in that they can now piece together differently than before.
They try and step back and take it a piece at a time.
They suffer cognitive dissonance. Which is basically the impact of two radically opposing thoughts fighting for position. Neither of which they can accept.
Everything that they imagined their life to be is wrong, a lie, a deception, and what they now see as a contrasting reality is too much to bear.
It can't be true.
It is true.
Over and over and over.
This struggle between what they intellectually are beginning to accept, yet emotionally are completely unwilling to, puts them in a tug-of -war so great it feels like their mind, body, and soul are being torn apart...their pain of not being able to reconcile this is an impossible burden.
And, no one they turn to understands. It is too out of reach, too outrageous to be true. Only someone who has been there has the capacity to understand, validate the reality, and help.
To accept that all their love, devotion, hard work, honesty, sincerity, and efforts were in fact to their partner, nothing more than a mind game, designed solely for the purpose of taking them down, destroying them in all aspects of life:
Spiritually, Financially, Emotionally, Physically and Mentally-is unthinkable.
And having been isolated slowly over time from their family, friends and many of those they love, leaving them now broken and often alone...for a time, there is still that pull to go back. Because their brain can't get wrapped around the idea that anyone could do this.
Why would anyone do this?
They can't wrap their thoughts around the fact that someone would even THINK to do this.
And that is because, THEY are not them. YOU are not them.
You have compassion. You have empathy. You have strong values and ethics. And you want to make sense of it. You want the answer. You want the answer so badly you are in agony. Why would anyone do this?
Yet the only truthful answer is also unfathomable to you:
The answer is:
These individuals have no conscience.
Imagine.
No conscience. So any guilt or shame you thought they owned, it was a lie to get you in deeper.
To them, it is all a chess game.
Their goal? To win. That is it.
You lose.
So what do you do now?
You continue to WAKE UP, then you STAND UP, and you will LIVE FREE.
And you will then have more strength, more wisdom, and be crystal clear on your worth and as you recover from being broken, you will pick up every single piece. Every one.
Now you will know your wholeness.
For the first time in your life, you will realize no one completes you.
You will never tolerate the intolerable again.
I really know. I have been there, and I also helped so many people arrive there. Don't EVER give up finding your happiness, as that is the one way you give them the "you win" card.
In conclusion I am choosing to put an Excerpt from The Calm After the Storm Chapter of my book:
Me & My Shadow Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom
Love and acceptance are what we have been striving for all along. We did so by trying to reel it in from the external, when all we needed to do was turn to ourselves. This is your time to give caring and compassion to yourself, so you will know what it feels like and recognize when you are receiving something to the contrary. And as you begin to love and accept yourself as you are, you will see you will receive an abundance of love and acceptance from others. You have always been the teacher of what you deserve. You are the magnet that brings just what you are asking for into your life.
You can do this. And if you would like, I can help.
Preamble
I haven't done a blog on this topic in some time. I do however still coach people dealing with sociopaths and narcissists. I haven't done a blog because I feel my content is available and no need to keep saying the same thing over and over. Today however, a specific situation caused me to read quite a bit about what is out there regarding two key aspects of these relationships:1.The traits of a target victim that these individuals seek and attempt to destroy.
2.The traits of the individual victim after experiencing the abuse in these situations.
I found the information on the aftermath to be reasonably accurate, yet I found the depiction of who the target is to be considerably off base. So I felt the need to address it.
As always, this is simply my view. I am not a medical professional. I did however, write a book Me & My Shadow Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom depicting my life experiences in these types of relationships, and my pathway to releasing myself from being a repeated victim of these individuals. In addition, I have been coaching for 13 years and since 2008 a large segment of my client base are those that have come to me with their plight, which of course unsurprisingly mirrored mine. And these men and women who told me their stories needed guidance on how to, as I put it, Wake Up, Stand Up, Live Free.
Wake Up, in essence is facing reality. Stand Up, is beginning to no longer tolerate the intolerable, and Live Free, is finally having what I refer to as an internal locus of control.
Your Life-Your Terms.
It is possible to no longer be driven by the opinions and feelings of others and yet still have compassion and the ability to compromise.
Freedom comes when you simply commit to never betraying yourself again.
To effectively do this is conscious work. To resolve this permanently requires that you:
Wake Up to how you're operating from past hurts, Stand Up for your non-negotiable qualities and Live Free into your next reality.
As a result I am quite convicted in my beliefs.
The stories I hear daily are so similar in that the manipulative tactics are predictable once you know how to recognize the patterns that these relationships ALWAYS hold. Always. Briefly into any conversation, people are stunned that I can know what happened next. I am not a rocket scientist. It is simply a matter of patterns of behavior. Their perpetrators' proactive patterns, as well as their response patterns. And of course, we too who were the victims, have patterns that place us, and keep us in this cycle.
Until we Wake Up.
Life is not meant to be a struggle, and healing from harsh forces is a beautiful,
gentle awakening to the one limiting core belief
—the red thorn—
that can be gently released
(not extracted).
gentle awakening to the one limiting core belief
—the red thorn—
that can be gently released
(not extracted).
My focus here is not to define the sociopath. Instead it is to more clearly define the victim. I do have other blogs and videos that focus on the sociopath/narcissist traits based on my, and my applicable clients' experiences.
This is a partial list of the traits that define a target of sociopathic abuse. This is who they are at the beginning:
High Self-Confidence
Successful at almost anything they passionately choose to do
Many Friends
Loved by family
Devoted
Kind
Loyal
Honest (often CAN'T Lie)
Strong values and ethics
Goal oriented
Capable
Forthright & Articulate
They also:
Want to help others (without being conscious of how it might be hurting themselves).
Believe in giving people second and third chances (sadly 200-3000).
Want to believe the promises of others. In fact, they get hooked into the dream of those promises.
Believe they can help the man or woman become the person they claim they wish to be.
Always seeking to self-improve, take ownership, & strive to do better and be better (Which is why they are willing to believe something is their fault, that isn't).
Believe words over and over even if the actions don't line up, because they are hopeful, optimistic people and want to keep believing in those they believe they love.
In spite of all those wonderful traits, they have low self-esteem. Don't get me wrong, these individuals of course have their broad set of flaws, not the least of which is they are attracted to sociopaths. It is just that this one, is by far what leads them to let abuse remain in their life: Low Self-Esteem.
Having been in this position myself, I would say I had no idea I didn't have self-esteem. I was confusing it with self-confidence. We do not realize we are worthy of being loved just because we exist. That is a sign of low self-esteem. People with low self-esteem do not give their feelings the credence they deserve. They tend to sacrifice too much to please others, because they long for someone to complete them. Someone to fill the void they believe they have.
To get that love they long for, they think they have to DO for others...and because they have high self-confidence and strong stamina and endurance, they will not stop until they succeed, but instead they finally break.
And they are not used to failing and they don't want to fail at the relationship, anymore than they want to fail at anything. However, THIS is their biggest desire. To make their relationship work. They lose themselves in the effort, they become invisible. They forget they exist.
What they don't realize is that the reason why they fail, is their goal is impossible.
They are manipulated by their intimate partner (or boss, sibling, parent) into believing it is possible, and that promise of that happy life keeps them trying.
Their HOPE is actually the weapon used against them. Hope leads them to destruction...until they are shattered.
As the relationship progresses the strong person has deteriorated as follows:
Massive self-doubt
Losing their sense of purpose
Constantly confused
Doesn't understand what went wrong
Largely accepts the blame
Feel they failed their partner
Sees no way to recover
Becomes paralyzed, frozen...unable to move past the present conditions
Unable to concentrate
Trouble reading
Trouble sleeping
Anxiety
They tell the truth, so it is incomprehensible that they are not being believed. Resulting in their constantly over explaining to try and express their true intentions, actions and so on, to the point of exhaustion.
Maybe it was my fault, I must have caused this, I should have responded or acted differently.
The more lost and confused they get from the constant contradictions and being told they are someone different than they are, the more the accusations begin to feel real.
They begin to think they are crazy.
They have trouble maintaining all the demands of everything they do because they are doing beyond their share, because they are carrying themselves, the family, often the financials/work/business, and exhaustion is taking over.
They begin to look for something to numb. Food, alcohol, drugs, television, anything to get a small escape from the blame, the belittling, the manipulation...until they can see it for what it is.
Which Sadly is at Breaking point...
A final moment that flips a switch and reality becomes clear.
Breaking point, is when they WAKE UP.
It places them in a tailspin.
Suddenly they are very fearful of their situation.
Like a tapestry, every piece of their lives that made no sense before, comes into clarity...it is too much to bear.
The tapestry gets larger and larger as information starts to come in that they can now piece together differently than before.
They try and step back and take it a piece at a time.
They suffer cognitive dissonance. Which is basically the impact of two radically opposing thoughts fighting for position. Neither of which they can accept.
Everything that they imagined their life to be is wrong, a lie, a deception, and what they now see as a contrasting reality is too much to bear.
It can't be true.
It is true.
Over and over and over.
This struggle between what they intellectually are beginning to accept, yet emotionally are completely unwilling to, puts them in a tug-of -war so great it feels like their mind, body, and soul are being torn apart...their pain of not being able to reconcile this is an impossible burden.
And, no one they turn to understands. It is too out of reach, too outrageous to be true. Only someone who has been there has the capacity to understand, validate the reality, and help.
To accept that all their love, devotion, hard work, honesty, sincerity, and efforts were in fact to their partner, nothing more than a mind game, designed solely for the purpose of taking them down, destroying them in all aspects of life:
Spiritually, Financially, Emotionally, Physically and Mentally-is unthinkable.
And having been isolated slowly over time from their family, friends and many of those they love, leaving them now broken and often alone...for a time, there is still that pull to go back. Because their brain can't get wrapped around the idea that anyone could do this.
Why would anyone do this?
They can't wrap their thoughts around the fact that someone would even THINK to do this.
And that is because, THEY are not them. YOU are not them.
You have compassion. You have empathy. You have strong values and ethics. And you want to make sense of it. You want the answer. You want the answer so badly you are in agony. Why would anyone do this?
Yet the only truthful answer is also unfathomable to you:
The answer is:
These individuals have no conscience.
Imagine.
No conscience. So any guilt or shame you thought they owned, it was a lie to get you in deeper.
To them, it is all a chess game.
Their goal? To win. That is it.
You lose.
So what do you do now?
You continue to WAKE UP, then you STAND UP, and you will LIVE FREE.
And you will then have more strength, more wisdom, and be crystal clear on your worth and as you recover from being broken, you will pick up every single piece. Every one.
Now you will know your wholeness.
For the first time in your life, you will realize no one completes you.
You will never tolerate the intolerable again.
I really know. I have been there, and I also helped so many people arrive there. Don't EVER give up finding your happiness, as that is the one way you give them the "you win" card.
In conclusion I am choosing to put an Excerpt from The Calm After the Storm Chapter of my book:
Me & My Shadow Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom
Love and acceptance are what we have been striving for all along. We did so by trying to reel it in from the external, when all we needed to do was turn to ourselves. This is your time to give caring and compassion to yourself, so you will know what it feels like and recognize when you are receiving something to the contrary. And as you begin to love and accept yourself as you are, you will see you will receive an abundance of love and acceptance from others. You have always been the teacher of what you deserve. You are the magnet that brings just what you are asking for into your life.
You can do this. And if you would like, I can help.
Monday, October 29, 2018
Rapid Growth & Permanent Change
Let me help you find your magic. Reach out for a free one hour phone/Skype
Life-Reinvention consultation.
Realize quickly what coaching can do for you.
Wednesday, October 24, 2018
Ready for Rapid Growth and Permanent Change?
If you need help finding the beauty after your storm,
reach out for a free one hour phone (or Skype if out of the country) consultation.
#lifecoaching
#lifecoaching
Tuesday, October 16, 2018
Thursday, October 11, 2018
Ready to Implement Real Change?
It’s not too late to change it! Reach out for a free one hour consultation when you are ready to implement real change! Diana@redthornsolutions.co
Friday, September 28, 2018
Make the Time
I took this shot on September 11, 2018, two days before Hurricane Florence. For now, it is the last capture. I have taken photos here daily, and Hurricane Florence took the dock...and the vegetation around it.
Of course, it will all be rebuilt, and maybe even be more beautiful. It just another reminder, how important it is to take the time for anything and anyone you love! You can Make the Time.
Wednesday, August 29, 2018
Monday, August 6, 2018
Let the Fury Awaken You
Not facing the truth will destroy you in time, facing it will move you through to freedom and joy.
Tuesday, July 24, 2018
Thursday, July 12, 2018
Remaining Asleep Can Be Costly
It is entirely possible to not be paying attention to the circumstances of your life. It can be very costly to ignore. The first phase to living freely is to wake up. Consider a one hour free phone consultation to begin to experience what coaching can do for you. Diana@redthornsolutions.com
Tuesday, July 10, 2018
Careful What Takes You In
Monday, July 9, 2018
Tuesday, July 3, 2018
Tuesday, June 26, 2018
Monday, June 25, 2018
Saturday, June 23, 2018
Thursday, June 21, 2018
Monday, June 18, 2018
Saturday, June 16, 2018
Tuesday, June 12, 2018
Ready for What Life is Dishing Out?
We can all use a little support and guidance sometimes. Inbox here or email diana@redthornsolutions.com for a free 1 hour consultation to see if we can help you feel more prepared for what life sometimes delivers.
Monday, June 11, 2018
Thursday, June 7, 2018
Ready to Let Go?
Reach out for a free one hour consultation to begin to realize the freedom found in letting go.
Wednesday, June 6, 2018
Tuesday, June 5, 2018
Ready to Move Through the Dark Clouds?
Sometimes those dark clouds bring us to the most glorious light.
Monday, June 4, 2018
Ready?
Email to arrange your one hour free consultation. Breakthrough to the next level of living.
#lifecoaching
Friday, June 1, 2018
Are You Ready to Get Out?
#ifmywoundswerevisible
Seemed appropriate to highlight this video on Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day! Tolerating the intolerable is a choice. We have to be clear on what we deserve in life and be willing to Wake Up, then Stand Up, so that we can Live Freely!
In our logical mind we know we need to get out and that we deserve better, yet our emotions battle with our logic and it is hard to let go. If you need help moving through to your freedom, email Diana@redthornsolutions.com for a free consultation, or buy my book Me & My Shadow~ Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom. NO ONE holds your lifeline except you! Don't give your power away any longer.
Saturday, May 26, 2018
Ready?
If you are ready, inbox or email Diana@redthornsolutions.com for a free, no obligation consultation.
Friday, May 25, 2018
Can You See It?
Inbox for a free 1 hour consultation, if you would like to find more of the beauty in life!
Wednesday, May 23, 2018
Monday, May 21, 2018
Sunday, May 20, 2018
Friday, May 18, 2018
Wednesday, May 16, 2018
Monday, May 14, 2018
Sunday, May 13, 2018
Wednesday, May 9, 2018
Can You Be Your Own Priority?
It’s easy to get so busy doing in life, that we forget to really live life. Take the time for what matters. Nourish yourself and your soul.
Tuesday, May 8, 2018
Monday, May 7, 2018
Friday, May 4, 2018
Monday, April 30, 2018
Sunday, April 29, 2018
Ready for Change?
If you are not living to the fullest, you can. Email Diana@redthornsolutions.com for a free one hour life changing consultation. Why wait? Live life on your terms.
Tuesday, April 24, 2018
It is Your Turn
So often as we hurry through life, we forget to take the time to enjoy what is all around us if we look for it!
Thursday, April 19, 2018
Priorities
If you need help deciding, inbox me at Diana@redthornsolutions.com for a free consultation!
Little Moments
In this capture the big moment is a beautiful sunrise, but if you look closely there is an otter swimming by…Sometimes those little moments can be at least as breathtaking. Do you look for them?
Wednesday, April 11, 2018
Are You Vulnerable?
Until we can admit that we are vulnerable, we will carry too much leading ourselves to breaking point.
Tuesday, April 3, 2018
Monday, March 26, 2018
Have You Embraced Your Shadow-Self?
-excerpt Me & My Shadow.
Thursday, March 22, 2018
Waking Up is Worth It!
It’s often easier to sleep through elements of our own life. Sleeping means we may not be consciously aware of the truth of everything around us. Sometimes waking up can be hard, but it is so worth it!
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