What is Your Price?

Eventually we all learn that the path to healing begins with boundaries. We begin to realize we must be willing to consider ourselves, to protect ourselves, to love ourselves, if we truly want to be free. As grown ups, we have options, but we may have to resource the deepest parts of ourselves to remember that we do. The longer we have experienced oppression, the more challenged we may be to remember that other options exist; that there is a path, no matter how arduous, to begin to experience a joyful place. Creating our life on our terms takes great courage and wisdom. 

Each of us has this power within us. We must start by honoring ourselves.

We all have some boundaries in the present moment; lines we believe we won't cross, things we believe we won't do. The question becomes, how devoted to those boundaries are we? Would we allow those boundaries to be violated for love, even if we could stop it?  Even if we could say NO?  Would we sacrifice our soul for love? And if we would, do we really devotedly love ourselves?

When someone wants to manipulate us, they listen carefully to where our boundaries are.They observe us, our patterns, like any predator observes its prey. They listen to our wants, they listen to our dreams, they hear and observe what matters most to us. And then they promise us that dream. A future that contains all that and more. They pretend that they will honor the boundaries we presently have. They pretend that they value us and our devotion to being the good person we are at our core.  They tell us this part of our nature, our goodness, is what they love about us.

We believe them. 

Then as the relationship commences and deepens, they test us. They want to know precisely where our lines are for acceptable violations. In the beginning it might be simple things, like where to go for dinner, or will you pay this bill, will you change your commitments, will you prove to them that they are the priority. Will you deny yourself for them? And each time we decide to let our boundaries be violated...we begin to become more and more powerless. More and more under their control. More and more deluded and removed from our sense of reality, unable to recall our rights. We become entranced. Like a hypnotized being, we eventually will lose all our power and may feel we will never have the strength to reclaim it, should we ever remember it exists.

They know when we make that first decision to let our NO, become a yes, that it is just the beginning. They know that over time they will push us further and further away from ourselves. They know they can diminish us. We taught them we would allow it. This is not about compromise, we all make compromises at times. No, this is about sacrifice. This is about tolerating, what is truly intolerable. Allowing repeated harm and not walking away.

Of course, they don't reveal this unconscionable behavior of pushing our limitation in blatant ways at first, no, it is essential that the hook be set deeply first. They have to penetrate deep inside of us, and latch on there. It is imperative that we fall in "love" so deeply that, well, we would do almost anything for them, anything. 

With a narcissist, we feel like the chosen one. They show us a love so beautiful we think, how did this love get so denied in their past? They are beautiful to the core, they have been so victimized in love. All they wish to do, so they tell us, is honor and love someone and receive that gift in return. You see, their need, more than to control, is to be validated, built up, worshipped actually...so they give us the illusion of love; enough to garner that kind of devotion from us. Their needs are met, no, exceeded. And for now, so are ours, and the boundary crossing unconsciously deepens.

With a sociopath, all they live for is control. There is nothing more important, it is that simple. They need nothing else from us, although we of course believed they just longed for someone to care, to love, and to not betray them.  They have been so betrayed in the past.

All manipulators have the honeymoon phase. All manipulators want control. If you saw the truth in the beginning, you would never engage with them. The lines for manipulators are vast. The characteristics cannot be easily defined in a black and white rendition so you can neatly put them in a box, give them a definitive label. But when you know the signs, when you remember to honor yourself, you are safer in the world. 

When you look back, you know that if you were truly observing, you would have seen that you were often being violated. You would see the subtle and later not so subtle ways they tried to control you, to get you to do for them, to get you to give to them beyond your comfort, whether that was your time, your body, your money...they wanted you to lose yourself in them. When you honor yourself, they contort your actions to lead you to believe you violated them, you betrayed them, how can they love you now? The sociopath controls you in this manner. You unconsciously decide you will behave better next time. You will be better, do better. Act in a manner acceptable to them. The narc discards you for it. How dare you be important? How dare you be the priority? They have no use for you now.

Regardless of labels, manipulators just want what they want, and we are nothing more than the object to provide it. In spite of all the evidence that they have presented to the contrary, we are not in the equation, except for our ability to sustain them. 

No matter who the manipulator is they use guilt and shame to get us to bend and move our boundaries. "If you loved me you would...pay that bill, get me out of that jam, let me do this to you sexually. If you loved me, you would trust me, not see your friends, not tell anyone about our intimacies"...and so on, and so on.

The sociopath plans on never letting go, not because they love you, but because they want to control you. If you end the relationship, if you pull away, they become the lover you always wished they would be, not because of love, but because they need to reset the hook in you. If the hook cannot be reset, if it doesn't work, their evil will become purely visible. They escalate, they create lies about you...they want  to destroy you. You do not have their permission to be free. 

A narcissist, will love you until they are done with you, and when they are, they will have zero understanding as to why you just can't let them go. It is over, so what is your problem? They just want you to disappear. Go away...knowing and counting their ability to bring you back in whenever they desire to do so.  As they get ready for the discard…they manipulate us into crossing our limits-passing our boundaries, even more than we already have. They do this for leverage. They want us to fear being shamed. We fear their power to reveal to others the manner in which we crossed our boundaries. They want us to fall silent so they can go to the other unsuspecting soon-to-be victims in their inventory and get that validation and "love" again. They want to capture new prey, so that they can again be told how wonderful they are...they are the master.

Each time our boundaries are crossed, we satisfy their every desire they have had. We feel abused, diminished, ashamed, and they have zero accountability. They will never own the suffering they have inflicted, unless in a single moment it serves them to pretend they do. When we awaken and decide the shame is theirs and not ours we begin to change the world.

Do not hide yourself in shame. Prepare yourself to stand and place the shame on the perpetrator, the one who deserves to bear it. They will never accept that shame, but you can know in your heart it is theirs. Whether you do this figuratively by literally seeing an image of you casting the shame upon them because it is the best you can do right now, or you do so physically by making the stand for yourself in whatever situation you find yourself to be in, remember your worth.

I know that as we all awaken we will shine the light on this pervasive evil—thereby diminishing their power. They have no power if we choose to never give ours away. We must protect ourselves. We must honor ourselves, and when we do, these individuals will know, we are not for sale. We are priceless.

Copyright © 2014 by Diana Iannarone

If this strikes a chord with you, consider buying my book:

Me and My Shadow

Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom.

http://tinyurl.com/Book-Kindle-D-Iannarone
The thoughts in this blog are my opinion. I am neither a medical professional nor a lawyer. To learn more about my work go to www.standingup.us