Excerpt from Me & My Shadow~Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom.
My abusers were used to the idea that I was weak and predictable, that they could manipulate me as they could a marionette. I had taught every abuser in my life that I would never use my power. So imagine their shock when I did! I was becoming the choreographer now.
Awake I could see that I always had the power of the Queen. I was simply not using that power; I was too afraid, too ashamed to bring harm to anyone but myself. They always told me that I was mean, cruel even, if I did not properly care for and protect them. I believed them. I promised myself at a very young age that I would never harm another. In order to begin protecting myself from harm, I had to realize that allowing natural consequences for another’s cruelty was not the same as harming an innocent.
When we act from our empowered and awakened state we throw our abuser off balance. It is during these imbalanced moments that they are recalculating a new strategy and this is when your abuser may become the most dangerous. You must decide for yourself what the safest way to handle this situation is. What I know is, you can’t keep doing what you have done and expect a different result. Before when they escalated, you likely gave in more, looking to appease, help, or calm the situation. That may not be the right way to play anymore.
In my instance, what I learned is that when my abusers played the normal trump cards, I didn't react. Over and over those same cards would be thrown at me, with intent to ignite my fear that I would get in trouble with authority. There were implications made that I cheated on my taxes, was violating an order that would jail me for contempt, was armed and dangerous, was drunk and unfit, even that I was a potential killer! Through all of that, I didn’t react. The less reactive I was, the more confused they (my abusers and those who assisted them) would be. I didn't react because I stayed focused on the tasks at hand, rather than all the ancillary creation of drama and fear. I wanted out. I was no longer in fear of shame. I finally embraced that I had nothing to be ashamed of. I was no longer a little girl in fear, not embracing all of myself. I felt fear, lots of fear, but for the first time it was appropriate fear. Fear for my safety, for my life. Not the petty fear of shame that had always guided me before. In this fear, I was now courageous. I was not hiding. I was standing in my light. I was shining the flashlight on their evil behavior in ways that they feared. The one thing they vowed never to become was a victim. I knew they had that fear and I leveraged it when needed. I had power to expose who they were, and they prefer to stay in the shadows.
Once awake, I could see their shadow, which only became possible once I accepted that the shadow dwelled in me as well. Once this capacity is acknowledged, we can instantly begin operating from it. However, I wanted to rapidly find my fullest power, my ability to boldly wield my sword. I now understood, force is an acceptable power, when used to protect.
Wielding our sword is a foreign concept to us. We must use whatever level of force is necessary to be free from harm. Ideally, we should not exceed that level. Violence, if you will, is acceptable in self-defense. In my case, I feared that I didn't have the fullness of this resource and I knew I needed help. Remember, it is through embracing your vulnerability that help arrives. We must admit that we are not in fact invincible, as we have portrayed. It is in accepting this reality, that we finally reach for help and all the teachers arrive. We are now beginning to summon and unleash the true power within us. This announcement of our vulnerability leads to truly being invulnerable. Soon, our life and truths will no longer be illusions.
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If the content in this blog strikes a chord with you, consider buying Diana's story which was written to serve as a guide to freedom:
Me and My Shadow
Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom
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