Part 2-remaining 9 minutes Interview with Writer's Dream

Part 1 (18 min) of Linda Frank from The Writer's Dream interviewing me.

What is Your Price?

Eventually we all learn that the path to healing begins with boundaries. We begin to realize we must be willing to consider ourselves, to protect ourselves, to love ourselves, if we truly want to be free. As grown ups, we have options, but we may have to resource the deepest parts of ourselves to remember that we do. The longer we have experienced oppression, the more challenged we may be to remember that other options exist; that there is a path, no matter how arduous, to begin to experience a joyful place. Creating our life on our terms takes great courage and wisdom. 

Each of us has this power within us. We must start by honoring ourselves.

We all have some boundaries in the present moment; lines we believe we won't cross, things we believe we won't do. The question becomes, how devoted to those boundaries are we? Would we allow those boundaries to be violated for love, even if we could stop it?  Even if we could say NO?  Would we sacrifice our soul for love? And if we would, do we really devotedly love ourselves?

When someone wants to manipulate us, they listen carefully to where our boundaries are.They observe us, our patterns, like any predator observes its prey. They listen to our wants, they listen to our dreams, they hear and observe what matters most to us. And then they promise us that dream. A future that contains all that and more. They pretend that they will honor the boundaries we presently have. They pretend that they value us and our devotion to being the good person we are at our core.  They tell us this part of our nature, our goodness, is what they love about us.

We believe them. 

Then as the relationship commences and deepens, they test us. They want to know precisely where our lines are for acceptable violations. In the beginning it might be simple things, like where to go for dinner, or will you pay this bill, will you change your commitments, will you prove to them that they are the priority. Will you deny yourself for them? And each time we decide to let our boundaries be violated...we begin to become more and more powerless. More and more under their control. More and more deluded and removed from our sense of reality, unable to recall our rights. We become entranced. Like a hypnotized being, we eventually will lose all our power and may feel we will never have the strength to reclaim it, should we ever remember it exists.

They know when we make that first decision to let our NO, become a yes, that it is just the beginning. They know that over time they will push us further and further away from ourselves. They know they can diminish us. We taught them we would allow it. This is not about compromise, we all make compromises at times. No, this is about sacrifice. This is about tolerating, what is truly intolerable. Allowing repeated harm and not walking away.

Of course, they don't reveal this unconscionable behavior of pushing our limitation in blatant ways at first, no, it is essential that the hook be set deeply first. They have to penetrate deep inside of us, and latch on there. It is imperative that we fall in "love" so deeply that, well, we would do almost anything for them, anything. 

With a narcissist, we feel like the chosen one. They show us a love so beautiful we think, how did this love get so denied in their past? They are beautiful to the core, they have been so victimized in love. All they wish to do, so they tell us, is honor and love someone and receive that gift in return. You see, their need, more than to control, is to be validated, built up, worshipped actually...so they give us the illusion of love; enough to garner that kind of devotion from us. Their needs are met, no, exceeded. And for now, so are ours, and the boundary crossing unconsciously deepens.

With a sociopath, all they live for is control. There is nothing more important, it is that simple. They need nothing else from us, although we of course believed they just longed for someone to care, to love, and to not betray them.  They have been so betrayed in the past.

All manipulators have the honeymoon phase. All manipulators want control. If you saw the truth in the beginning, you would never engage with them. The lines for manipulators are vast. The characteristics cannot be easily defined in a black and white rendition so you can neatly put them in a box, give them a definitive label. But when you know the signs, when you remember to honor yourself, you are safer in the world. 

When you look back, you know that if you were truly observing, you would have seen that you were often being violated. You would see the subtle and later not so subtle ways they tried to control you, to get you to do for them, to get you to give to them beyond your comfort, whether that was your time, your body, your money...they wanted you to lose yourself in them. When you honor yourself, they contort your actions to lead you to believe you violated them, you betrayed them, how can they love you now? The sociopath controls you in this manner. You unconsciously decide you will behave better next time. You will be better, do better. Act in a manner acceptable to them. The narc discards you for it. How dare you be important? How dare you be the priority? They have no use for you now.

Regardless of labels, manipulators just want what they want, and we are nothing more than the object to provide it. In spite of all the evidence that they have presented to the contrary, we are not in the equation, except for our ability to sustain them. 

No matter who the manipulator is they use guilt and shame to get us to bend and move our boundaries. "If you loved me you would...pay that bill, get me out of that jam, let me do this to you sexually. If you loved me, you would trust me, not see your friends, not tell anyone about our intimacies"...and so on, and so on.

The sociopath plans on never letting go, not because they love you, but because they want to control you. If you end the relationship, if you pull away, they become the lover you always wished they would be, not because of love, but because they need to reset the hook in you. If the hook cannot be reset, if it doesn't work, their evil will become purely visible. They escalate, they create lies about you...they want  to destroy you. You do not have their permission to be free. 

A narcissist, will love you until they are done with you, and when they are, they will have zero understanding as to why you just can't let them go. It is over, so what is your problem? They just want you to disappear. Go away...knowing and counting their ability to bring you back in whenever they desire to do so.  As they get ready for the discard…they manipulate us into crossing our limits-passing our boundaries, even more than we already have. They do this for leverage. They want us to fear being shamed. We fear their power to reveal to others the manner in which we crossed our boundaries. They want us to fall silent so they can go to the other unsuspecting soon-to-be victims in their inventory and get that validation and "love" again. They want to capture new prey, so that they can again be told how wonderful they are...they are the master.

Each time our boundaries are crossed, we satisfy their every desire they have had. We feel abused, diminished, ashamed, and they have zero accountability. They will never own the suffering they have inflicted, unless in a single moment it serves them to pretend they do. When we awaken and decide the shame is theirs and not ours we begin to change the world.

Do not hide yourself in shame. Prepare yourself to stand and place the shame on the perpetrator, the one who deserves to bear it. They will never accept that shame, but you can know in your heart it is theirs. Whether you do this figuratively by literally seeing an image of you casting the shame upon them because it is the best you can do right now, or you do so physically by making the stand for yourself in whatever situation you find yourself to be in, remember your worth.

I know that as we all awaken we will shine the light on this pervasive evil—thereby diminishing their power. They have no power if we choose to never give ours away. We must protect ourselves. We must honor ourselves, and when we do, these individuals will know, we are not for sale. We are priceless.

Copyright © 2014 by Diana Iannarone

If this strikes a chord with you, consider buying my book:

Me and My Shadow

Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom.

http://tinyurl.com/Book-Kindle-D-Iannarone
The thoughts in this blog are my opinion. I am neither a medical professional nor a lawyer. To learn more about my work go to www.standingup.us

Transitioning from "Want" to Deserve - the impact of PTSD

Fragmented or Whole?

Image from Wayne Dyer's FB page today

This is so true.  We are project enough! LOL. If we seek peace everyday in ourselves, we will find we will resonate with others who are at peace. The word I use for this is congruence. When we are congruent with ourselves, our life is a testimony of that alignment. Our beliefs, behaviors and words all line up. We then become very well versed in seeing incongruence in others, and we know that it is a warning sign; one we should heed. Our awareness of ourselves helps us attract more good in our lives...

In my book Me and My Shadow, Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom, I explain this in many ways.  Here is one example:

"Fragmentation attracts fragmentation, as we unconsciously seek that which will make us whole. We attract the parts of us we are missing. Once we are whole and complete, there is nothing outside of ourselves that we need. Our wholeness only attracts to us those who are also whole. To illustrate this, consider the tuning fork. If you have two tuning forks that vibrate at the same frequency, and you strike one, then mute it with your hand, seemingly inexplicably you will hear the other untouched tuning fork sound. The frequency of the vibration elicits a response from the other tuning fork. This is called sympathetic resonance. It exists only because the two forks are of the same make up; in essence they are whole and complete. If either tuning fork is broken, fragmented, the sympathetic resonance is no longer observed. 

If we are fragmented, we attract those who are also fragmented. Having not embraced our full capacities, we attract what we are seeking for our wholeness—that which we have disowned. That mirror, symbolically held by another, is intended to wake us up to the presence of the parts of ourselves we have rejected. As you will see, we must choose to not be blinded by the mirror that will enlighten us. 

You see, when we chose not to awaken, ultimately we may fall apart. With all our pieces on the ground we have the ability to not just pick up all those we have chosen to own in the past, instead, we can choose to pick up all the pieces, even those we previously chose to disown. And from our pain, from our falling to pieces, comes our wholeness.

The critical message is that we don't have to fall to pieces to arrive. We simply need to Back Up, Wake Up, Stand Up and Live Free. Right now, you can be at any phase of this process, evaluate where you are, and just know that living free is available to you any time you decide. You can heal, without falling to pieces.

It was our childhood experiences that led us to disown parts of us. As I said in the beginning, I say in the end. Our stories are not that important, it is what we decided about life because of our stories that is of supreme importance. Our stories can only serve to heal others, once we acknowledge the damaging beliefs we allowed them to create, and change the conditions of our life.

Once we have reclaimed all disowned parts, we will be better able to see the wholeness or fragmentation of others. Even if this is not immediately visible, we will know as we observe."

So the key to getting where you want to go is to look to obtain and internal locus of control. This means we are no longer driven by things outside of ourselves, instead, we truly become our own authority. Imagine a life in which YOU decide what is in your highest, greatest good, YOU decide. And, you never faulter from seeing that your needs are met. You will never be a person that will disregard another, it is simply time to fully regard yourself, the person that you have disregarded for far too long. The time is now for you to create all that you desire.

Copyright © 2014 by Diana Iannarone

If this strikes a chord with you, consider buying my book:

Me and My Shadow

Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom.

http://tinyurl.com/Book-Kindle-D-Iannarone

Create the Life You Want-Session 4

I hope you find insight and value in these 27 minutes geared to help people find clarity in their chaos and confusion. Please share, we never know who needs the message and having the chance to see it may be a saving grace. Thank you. #sociopathy   #narcissism  #narcissist   #sociopath   #selfesteem   #selfconfidence  #wholeness  

How Accountable are We Willing to be in Our Own Lives?

I was speaking with someone yesterday, talking about how quick some people are to make themselves powerless. My health, is out of my hands. My relational circumstance, is out of my hands. My financial circumstance, is out of my hands...blah, blah, blah.

And the response I received was "No one wants to be that accountable."

Wow.

And it resonated within me as a precise truth.

How accountable are we willing to be in our own lives? 

Are we willing to take full responsibility for every circumstance that presents itself to us in our lives? 

So often people accept the false belief that it simply "is out of my hands." How convenient, right?

If we choose to believe that our circumstances are not something we have the power to change, then we simply choose to remain the victim, perhaps under the guise of "I will wait idly by for God to save me." Or we choose to believe God wanted this circumstance for us so we must endure further suffering. Or, we couldn't possibly change these conditions, it is impossible.

What if— we are accountable, it is our fault and God has availed "Himself" to be a co-creator with us in any life circumstance we choose? 

Uh Oh! Now THAT would be a lot of accountability; which is precisely why many choose not to embrace this premise. All things are possible, hmmm, where have I heard that before? To catapult your life to fulfillment, it starts by believing anything is possible. Not just believing at the surface, "Sure, well I guess so." It is a belief that must be an undeniable conviction. A KNOWING. An undisputable fact...and if you don't reach that level of thought, you will not achieve the outcome you desire, and therefore you will have the convenience of saying, see? And then slump back down into helplessness...it is out of my hands.

Granted, maybe at first we didn't know what we were signing up for. Maybe at first it wasn't our fault in that we were just moving lovingly along, moving forward, and seeing where a relationship or situation was headed. However, when we repeatedly ignore the reality of those circumstances, we remain "asleep," choosing to endure intolerable suffering and excusing it away under some delusional premise such as "They are doing the best they can."  "They don't mean to hurt me." "They want to treat me better." "There is nothing I can do about it." "It is completely out of my hands." Or any plethora of other lies we choose to tell ourselves. It is in those moments we must acknowledge that the responsibility has shifted to us. It is our fault. It is our fault because we are announcing that we are simply helpless to remedy the issues in our lives; and that is a lie.

I believe that our accountability spans across every key aspect:

                               Spiritual, Financial, Emotional, Physical and Mental.

And in any of these areas that you choose to believe you are not accountable, then prepare to spiral down in your life. Your helplessness will give credence to the false beliefs you are choosing to accept. And when you do that, be prepared to live the life of a sufferer...when in reality, no matter what has transpired, you have always had the power to change it. Instead, we get too tired, too lazy, too afraid, or just too comfortable "living in the horseradish" as Susan Jeffers refers to it. We get comfortable in the muck, and that is a choice.

The alternative, would be to accept our accountability for the conditions of our lives, and that feels too damn hard.

This is not to say that we should not offer compassion to ourselves for what we have allowed and sustained. It is not to say we should beat ourselves down for our failures. Contrary to that, we should drench ourselves in love and understanding. We need to realize if we truly loved and honored ourselves deeply, we would have taken action sooner...yet, all we can do now, is love ourselves through it.

But if we remain with the belief that we are powerless, then our lives will continue in the manner that they always have. Our self-destructive patterns will repeat themselves. We are never truly powerless. We just sometimes have forgotten all that is available within us to allow for a completely abundant life, a joyful life.

As I discuss in my book Me and My Shadow, which depicts my journey from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom...

I needed to realize I deserved better than the circumstances of my life. I needed to realize I was the creator of the horseradish I was standing in, or more aptly put, sitting in with burning, tearing eyes. I was the problem, not because of my behavior, but because 

I was willing to accept the behavior of my abusers. 

I didn’t fully understand lies, deception, manipulation, or any form of evil. Since I perceived they weren’t in my makeup, I assumed they weren’t in anyone else’s either. I never even looked, not even for a moment, at what was happening to me and being inflicted on me. I was blind to the deception and manipulation because I could only see the good. I would think I saw or felt red flags occasionally. I would experience little inner promptings warning me, but time after time I would choose to ignore these signs. I didn’t understand they were warning me that I was incongruent with my soul; the knowing of what was in my highest, greatest good was always present. Instead, at some unconscious level, I decided if I looked, or perhaps feared if I looked at the message of the red flag, my whole world would come crashing down. During that time I was asleep I never stopped to see that my personal world was already a train wreck; a train wreck that could have been salvaged at any time. It was then, and always will be, our choice.

There is no area of our lives that it is true we are helpless. We only allow ourselves to believe we are:

Spiritually:  Do you really want to accept that God decides for you?  Or do you want to decide God (however you define it) grants you the power to create any life you want? That as promised, all things are possible, if you choose to harness the power that is available to each and every one of us.

Financially: Do you really want to go through life with a scarcity mentality or a belief that if you have financial security or abundance that makes you bad? Or the belief that there isn't enough to go around or that you will never have plenty because somehow you are unworthy? How can you receive abundance of anything if you don't believe you deserve it?

Emotionally: Do you really want to numb yourself to the emotions that exist? If you aren't willing to feel and experience fully the pain, then you also are not willing to fully feel and experience the joy. One cannot choose to simply feel happy emotions and ignore the rest of them. Numb is numb, whatever you refuse to feel, numbs you and leads to a repressed pile of emotions inside, just waiting to erupt...anxiety begins.

Physically: Do you really want to decide you are not responsible for your health? If not you, than who? Do you really want to believe we are punished for mistakes and "cursed" with illness...or do you want to be accountable here as well, and know your body is capable of healing itself? Your body is a living organism...and just like a plant will die if you curse it and mistreat it...your body needs your love. It needs YOU to believe it is alive.

Mentally: This one at many levels directs all the others. We all have heard countless expressions that reflect the power of our mind to create our lives. Whether you believe it or not, does not change this fact. Your thoughts have true energetic power, so if you don't like the conditions of your life, start here, change your mind. Become conscious of your thoughts...and choose ones that will serve you rather than harm you.

Choose to no longer be that harsh abusive parent to yourself. Be kind and loving to you.

In my book I take you through each and every one of these aspects, enveloping the wholeness that is yours. We walk together through these concepts as they are dissected and put back together to remind you what you already at some level know:

You are the powerful creator of your life. If you don't like what you see, begin to draw another image.

Don't be a victim.  It is a choice. Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom.

Copyright © 2014 by Diana Iannarone

If this strikes a chord with you, consider buying my book:

Me and My Shadow

Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom.

On Amazon: http://tinyurl.com/Book-and-Kindle