Find the Courage to Name it: Abuse

People often don't know they are in an abusive situation. One might wonder why they don't know. Well, when for a full lifetime people have been led to believe they are responsible for the reactions and responses of others, they own it. They feel they need to do better or be better so that that their circumstances can change. Also the abuse, the mind control, are often so subtle that they are not, over time, easily recognizable. It is like the boiling frog, it happens gradually and they are now unaware of the truth of their circumstances, until they are entrenched in it and all they know is they hurt, but many times they are still unaware of what the truth of their hurt and circumstances are.

Often when I say in response to someone who shared with me an experience they had with someone they believe wants to love them, "that is abusive"...people immediately jump to denial. They then begin excusing away the behavior of those that they think they "love." They speak of the poor difficult childhood of the party who is diminishing and destroying their spirit, and I remind them, we are not children anymore. I then ask "Would you do the things that are right now being done to you?" At which time, and without fail, I receive and emphatic "NO!" "Why is that?" I respond. Which always leads to a slight gasp as they realize that the appropriate label of the behavior that moments ago they felt was okay to endure, is in fact cruelty, mean, something they wish never to be, but are evidently willing to accept. So why would we allow such treatment of ourselves? Does that not suggest we believe we are less worthy? Loving yourself fully will indeed heal every wound. Love yourself where you are and how you are. Without exception.

We are responsible for our behavior, and although compassion can be offered for the poor, diminishing and loveless childhood, at some point, excuses are not acceptable. Ultimately we are each responsible for who we become, and if we are truly interested in recovery, we would be putting forth effort. So if the person whose behavior you are excusing away has less devotion than you do to their healing, you will not arrive where you hope to. And don't be fooled by the two week improvement to keep you on the hook and in their "game."  You deserve the real deal, don't settle for anything less. Anything in opposition to Love is something less that you deserve.

My experience is that most times, the abuser is not looking to heal, only saying they want to and will as they fear you will leave, but not seeking anything to actually allow that to happen. Each and every one of us are both author and authority in our life. We create the quality of our life, and sometimes that means we have to release people from our grip rather than try to mold them into who we wish them to be, and accept that they will never be the person they promised or that we wish they were. This is okay. They have the right to be precisely who they are. Be thankful for the gift of now knowing what you don't want, so you can find what you do want. And the sooner we realize that and move forward seeking and manifesting what which we now know we truly deserve, the quicker happiness and freedom will be experienced as real; because it is.

Copyright © 2014 by Diana Iannarone

Redthorn Solutions LLCYour Partner For Conflict and Crisis Resolution
All Partnering done via phone or Internet

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Me and My Shadow

Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom.

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Diana, founder of Redthorn Solutions LLC is neither a medical professional nor a lawyer. The thoughts in this blog are opinion only. To learn more about our work go to www.redthornsolutions.com

Our Mission: 

​Partnering with people to relinquish their chaos and confusion in exchange for clarity and resolution from whatever crisis they find themselves in. 

We do not give legal advice, nor do we use legal principles to apply to your circumstances. Instead we focus on how to empower you to communicate and use proper positioning to overcome any struggle through influential and concise communications. We guide people to Wake Up, then Stand Up, so that they may Live Freely.