Most
times, that which you fear is harmless, or at least far less harmful than the
power you assign it. The nonvenomous snake in my image, looks pretty
scary...but that is only because he is afraid, he is showing his power, he is
trying to ignite my fear as I come close to him to take his picture. But, I am not afraid of him; he isn't venomous.
That
is the goal when you are dealing with a manipulator. Don't let their scare tactic work, don't be
afraid and they will ultimately slither away in fear of being exposed for the
cowards they typically are; some more easily than others of course.
This
is not to imply that you are safe in your battle, instead it is to say, letting
the illusion of power, control, and danger, push you into submission, may be a
mistake, allowing them in essence to wrap themselves around you until you can't
breathe...rather than appropriately standing in your power forcing them to
slither away for good.
In
the case of my nonvenomous snake, to honor him, I chose to go no closer,
because I know he is just afraid and truly means no harm. But in the world of "snakes"
of the human kind, honor is not in the formula in the same manner. It is not to
say you should dishonor them, it is instead to say you must finally honor
yourself, for they do indeed intend to harm. Handle things in a manner that
leaves you feeling good about you, which can be a little cloudy at first. Standing
in your own integrity permits you to act in ways not to harm, but instead to
protect. To protect perhaps for the very first time—yourself.
These
manipulators are accustomed to you protecting them. They have trained you to
run to their rescue. This is what they expect from you, because until we fully
awaken we do not understand that our protecting them was harming us. We were
protecting the coward, not the noble, wrongfully accused. Once they are convinced that you will allow the
chips to fall as they may, by standing in truth, they will want to appear as
scary as possible to you and knowing you will no longer be their guardian, they
know where to go next, the weapon they will use will be shame.
Of
course the snake presence is not the face we initially see in our manipulator.
They would never want to risk us thinking they could harm, instead they charm
us under their spell...set us in delusion, and then seek to destroy us. They
present the aura of all that is good, while planning our demise.
Ultimately,
the manipulators know of course what you fear...you being the rule following
person you were taught to be, you fear shame. You can't bear the thought of
being seen in contrast to what you really are. Their focus then, is to use the
shame most often caused by not being
seen as a good or honorable person. They lie. And too, they wish to have you
experience the shame of losing what matters most to you...a loss that might cause shame as well, a loss that would
matter deeply, sadly your children, if applicable, will be the pawn used most of all,
but also your money, your reputation, maintaining your U.S. citizenship, but you see, they will
only use lies and deception to cause that loss because the truth cannot
accomplish the goal.
The
challenge is that they have been planning, calculating, and building their
arsenal of ammunition over time, through many pathways of deception. For the
sociopath, they have been harvesting harm for later use since the very
beginning of your relationship, in preparation, in case you should ever try and
leave them. For the narcissist, it is more of a later thought, when they ready
themselves for the inevitable discard of you, and they need you to go away. In
all cases to these levels of manipulators, we are merely objects. Don't delude
yourself into believing anything else.
For
the sociopath we are objects to be controlled, for those with more narcissistic
traits we are objects to fulfill their desires, to lift them up, to inflate
their ego which cannot stand on its own. There is a range of other uses for us
no matter what label you put upon your manipulator, just know their actions are
always insidious and without a moment's thought of your wellbeing, no matter
what they may contrive and tell you. Often, they gather their evidence against
you by calculatedly pushing you to cross your previously rigid boundaries,
citing your doing so as freedom and pleasure in the "safety of their love."
You relish the idea of escape, however temporary, from your highly structured
rules. But in truth, they only sought to grant you that freedom to thereby give
evidence into their hands that they can someday soon use as leverage against
you, to leverage your fear of shame, your fear of loss, if you allow them...
Perhaps
it is the pictures, videos or text messages they now have that they implored
you to send, or that they captured the nights you had those few extra drinks
when they encouraged you to just "have a break" and relax and release
yourself from your structured rules and rest into their "caring hands,":...but
they were filming or otherwise documenting your momentary freedom where you,
for once, let go of your over responsible self, thinking and believing you were
being cared for and safe.
Or
they set you up by arranging for you to be pulled over on the way home so that
you might be arrested for drunk driving, or they encouraged you to learn to
shoot with them, then bought you a gun, so that later they can tell the cops
you are armed and dangerous, as happened to me. Everything has a motive, until
the very end...but it will not end until you release the FEAR.
You
need to remember, FEAR of exposure is WHAT THEY FEAR, and they are using it on
you...they look to expose with lies, but you can expose with truth. The
challenge is, you weren't calculating and gathering evidence as they were, so
your fight is harder, but far more noble, and in standing in the truth, in
seeking to expose, you restore your power.
It
won't be easy given the system and society is fearlessly resistant to acceptance
of the truth of these calculated individuals. But it often can be done, and it
requires structure of presentation. You need the chaos of your story to be
documented, to be clear, to be evidenced, so that a sound mind can see the big
picture of your truth. Don't be haphazard, breathe, take your time, and pull
the facts together like putting a puzzle together. Look for counsel that know and
understand these individuals and have stood knowingly in their presence
before...be it your therapist or legal counsel they must be grounded in the
awareness of this level of manipulator, or else, you will be further diminished
as you are told your truth is outrageous, as it is outrageous, yes, it is also
true. Stand in it.
And
beware, that in the beginning as you are summoning up the courage to expose them for who they are and therefore, God forbid hold
accountable these manipulators, they come back to you with a "remorseful
heart," the illusion of sorrow, the guise of forgiveness, or the promise
to finally fulfill some element of desire of your heart, of the greatest magnitude, your highest wish and yet this pattern can go undetected, as we so want to believe. It is the wanting to believe that indicates you are still,
what I call, "asleep." Asleep
is defined as being unwilling to accept the reality of your circumstances...it
is being in denial; now THAT you should fear. THAT you should wish to awaken
from. If we are willing to remain in delusion, we will have mercy and
compassion, we will give them another chance, only to be further destroyed. In
that new chance they will garner more evidence to support whatever false claims
they choose to cast upon you, or conceal or confiscate whatever evidence you
have that might expose them.
When they know you are truly awake, courageous, and grounded, it will be you they fear.
They
are also willing to harm you. There are Danger Assessment Tools that can help
you that many are certified to use, including myself. There is a way to know
how at risk you are with reasonable accuracy, be aware, seek understanding. I
encourage all people to read, Gavin DeBecker's The Gift of Fear, aside from my book, Me and My Shadow, move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom.
The
behaviors of these manipulators are reasonably predictable. You are smart
enough to play a better game of chess, once you know you are in one, my book
serves as a guide.
We
must accept that individuals that would inflict such pain do not have the
capacity to love as we do, to feel as we do, no. They are playing a calculated
game of chess, for one purpose, it is more than seeing themselves win, it is
seeing you lose. Even if they lose too, they are winning, as your loss will always
be greater and more painful because you can FEEL the loss sincerely, and they
cannot, no matter what they lose...a child, a pet, money...
The
ONLY loss they cannot bear is the loss of the persona that hides who they are,
exposure to society of who they are, and the resulting consequences. It is that
loss they fear most, so shine the light of truth, stand strong and don't let
the illusion of fear (even if the fear feels grounded) make you sacrifice your
power of standing in your truth. Don't let your courage discovered when
awakened, be converted by fear into compliance—being a "good little girl
or boy." You know the truth, that is the truth that matters. Stand in it.
Do not waiver. It is painful, scary, and forever liberating. When we are
"asleep" we are compliant, when we awaken we become courageous, stay
there.
Copyright © 2014 by Diana Iannarone
If this strikes a chord with you, consider buying my book:
Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom.
The thoughts in this blog are my opinion. I am neither a medical professional nor a lawyer. To learn more about my work go to www.standingup.us
This is my
Mission:
Partner with people to relinquish their chaos and confusion in
exchange for clarity and resolution from whatever crisis they find themselves
in.
I do not give legal advice, nor
do I use legal principles to apply to your circumstances. Instead I focus on
how to empower you to communicate and use proper positioning to win through
influential and concise communications.
