Sociopath or Narcissist? Not as relevant as who is your Manipulator and ...

Abuse with Immunity

http://www.vocativ.com/culture/sport/anti-domestic-violence-donations-surge-due-to-floyd-mayweather-fight/

Until we all make a stand, this will continue. How can people that have no value for human life continue to be praised? Fighting in the ring is certainly acceptable, there are rules and intentions...but beating your wife (or anyone not in the ring) needs to have consequences that impact the abuser...not just two months in jail and the ability to continue with immunity.

One good outcome of these pathetic realities is, according to this article, it seems this kind of public outcry is awakening some to the truth of their own circumstances...

“What will happen is that someone may not even realize that they are experiencing violence in a relationship, but then they see thing play out in the media and hear these conversations and reach out because they realize something isn’t right,” said Cameka Crawford, chief communications officer for the hotline. “What we think is important is the awareness that is created because you give people a vocabulary to talk about domestic violence.”

Redthorn Solutions LLC

We are Your Advocate for Change

Together we can transform confusion into clarity and implement a process for real change.

We do not give legal advice. We do not use legal principles to apply to your circumstances, nor are we medical professionals. This blog is our opinion only.

To learn more about our work go to www.redthornsolutions.com

If the content in our blog strikes a chord with you, consider buying Diana's story which was written to serve as a guide to freedom:

Me and My Shadow

Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom

On Amazon: http://tinyurl.com/Book-Kindle-D-Iannarone

Why Do I Keep Choosing Sociopaths?

No you are not cursed. You are simply ignoring parts of you. Our propensity for an external focus leads us to offer compassion. We see someone who seems to have had a tough break and a "loving heart" and we want to make them all better. We want to fix it. But because we ignore our shadow-selves, we simply are completely unable to see the evil, manipulations and cruelty that others are bestowing upon us. We see signs occasionally but then we jump into the standard behavior of excusing it away. And of course, the perpetrator of such cruelty is happy to help us along in our devotion to remaining asleep. Remaining asleep keeps us unaware of the truth of our circumstances.

There are many ways this can play out.

We might say to ourselves that this person has just had such a hard time in life, they are lost and confused and they do not mean to be mean. Or they may tell us that, while they feign an apology, "they just got carried away" or "didn't mean it." Once we are an adult, we are responsible for our behavior. Do not let anyone use their childhood as the excuse to be cruel to you! If they are in such need of healing, why is it that they seldom take matters into their own hands to seek help? Instead, we do all the work, trying to help them heal. If you are exhausted, you are likely doing it wrong! Start turning inward and get to know the rest of you. Then you will be free.

So the truth is, we can't see their deception or "evil capacity" because WE will not acknowledge our own. We would never lie, would never harm, would never intentionally hurt another, and therefore we don't recognize it when it is being bestowed upon us.

This CAN and MUST be remedied. And all one must do, is go within.  We must get inside ourselves and realize that ALL HUMANS have the capacity for evil. There are no exceptions. AND it is NOT evil to protect ourselves it is necessary. Yet, until we awaken, we choose to keep tolerating the intolerable, believing things will change, believing that our "partner" wants to be better...do better...but guess what?  They don't, they won't and until YOU CHANGE, what you are experiencing now is what will be experiencing until you get out.

Here are a few excerpts from Me and My Shadow to address this topic:

You may wonder why we are so quick to excuse the cruelty, evil-doings or even simply the meanness of others. This is because we ourselves are unwilling to see our own capacity for evil. We do not even like the word. We shudder to think we could possibly have such a capacity and, as a result, we deny it in ourselves and we deny it in others, even as this truth is displayed boldly before us. We have disowned our capacity for evil long ago, perhaps with no conscious awareness. We close our eyes to it. We deny this capacity that is inherent in every human. Yes, every human has the capacity for evil, even us, and even those we love.

Our rejection of our capacity for evil or our “shadow side,” means we are not willing to embrace all of who we are, and in doing so we remain fragmented and not whole. You cannot disown any parts of yourself and be whole and complete. Until we embrace our own capacity for evil, we deny evil when we see it in others. How can we recognize that which we refuse to see?

To achieve wholeness we must be awakened to and accept all parts of ourselves, even those parts of ourselves that we view as imperfect. We will always be an imperfect species. While on our unconscious quest for wholeness, we begin to painfully and unwittingly seek that which we deny in ourselves. We seek to find the missing pieces of ourselves in another.

The fact that we have the capacity for evil or harm does not make us evil. If you prefer, think of it as your dark side, or your shadow; the part of you where the light is hidden from. You would not do evil. It is your sense of ethics that keeps you from acting in evil ways, however, that does not nullify the reality that you have the capacity. You cannot awaken until you embrace this truth. All humans have the capacity. To start, consider this; have you ever had an evil thought? Something that you considered but you would never do? Perhaps you have even acted on it. Perhaps you have lied, or manipulated, or stolen. These are all acts of the shadow, but these mere acts do not make you an evil person.

Once you embrace this capacity it may very well give you a lifeline. There are lifelines available for you that would seem unreasonable to grab while you are asleep. In fact, while asleep, you are not even able to see the lifeline. Part of awakening is accepting this side of you, the shadow side. You cannot arrive at your freedom without it...

If we only live in the innocence, the goodness side of our capacity, and we are unaware of our dark side, then we have an imbalance. This imbalance makes us more susceptible to have evil befall us because we are blind to the potential to fall prey to evildoers. We are unarmed and unarmored and have an unwillingness to truly protect ourselves.

If you ignore your capacity for evil as I did, it just may show up in some monumental way. In my case, it showed up in my tendency to draw into my life people operating from what I call the “shadow side” or “dark side”. Whatever label you give to these people is unimportant, what is important to grasp is that they embrace the capacity that we ignore, the capacity for evil—the side of them that justifies doing harm. I was unaware that I was inviting them in as part of an unconscious effort to find my wholeness, seeking the parts of me I had rejected. The parts of me I had disowned.

To acknowledge and embrace your dark side does not mean you operate from it. It means you accept its significance and no longer need to seek it outside of yourself. Those that operate from the shadow have rejected the light of their innocence. To be safe from them we must ignite and embrace our shadow side, not to do harm, but to protect first ourselves and then others from harm. We must stop concluding that protecting ourselves by placing boundaries for our safety makes us mean. We must eliminate the perceived challenge of using the word “no” as a strong and nonnegotiable word to honor ourselves.

The quality of your life is up to you. Change. Find the power within, and  your pattern will forever be broken. The shadow isn't just about capacity for evil, it is instead about all parts of us we do not want to accept. And until we do, we will keep inviting in things and people into our life that will not serve us. Once you know all parts of you, there is no need for the mirror, as you already see everything that is you, and therefore will see the truth in others as well. To be free, simply embrace, the fullness that is you.

Copyright © 2014 by Diana Iannarone

Redthorn Solutions LLC

Your Partner For Conflict and Crisis Resolution
All Partnering done via phone or Internet

If this content strikes a chord with you, consider buying Diana's story which was written to serve as a guide to freedom:

Me and My Shadow

Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom.

 On Amazon: http://tinyurl.com/Book-Kindle-D-Iannarone

Diana, founder of Redthorn Solutions LLC is neither a medical professional nor a lawyer. The thoughts in this blog are opinion only. To learn more about our work go to www.redthornsolutions.com

Our Mission: 

To partner with you to exchange your chaos and confusion for clarity and resolution in whatever crisis you find yourself in. 

Warriors Ignite

So the quote on the image may seem a little dramatic, but is it? Starting as children abuses are brought upon the innocents and it changes everything. This is not just about women, it is about mankind. The cruelty that exists is reinforced by fear running rampant and controlling us. Everywhere you look, every news station, every paper, implies that we are powerless against terror.

I believe that is a lie that we are told to almost hypnotize us into that belief...be afraid, be very afraid.

I believe the art of releasing the fear is to embrace the spirit of the warrior within all of us. For metaphoric purposes only I ask that you call upon an image that differentiates your vision of a soldier vs. a warrior.

Both are brave, but how do they differ?

I am not speaking of true war per se, I am speaking of life.

Most of my life I can honestly say I was a good soldier. I did as directed. I trusted those in authority. I believed I had to do what authority said and I did it with a vengeance. I wanted that validation from those in authority. I wanted them to recognize my efforts and praise my successes, and I would have and did violate my own principles to serve them. This is where everything goes wrong. Never should we violate ourselves for another. Never. But when were we taught to consider ourselves in the formula? Didn't most of us grow up believing obedience was a measure of our goodness? This is the conditioning that can lead us into a literal hell if we allow it.

I violated myself without thought, in business, but more so in intimate relationships. I thought it was my job, in essence, to serve and protect the "man"...I made myself responsible for their happiness, and they were happy to affirm that false premise. I now unequivocally know that was all a lie I was taught to believe, and shattering those destructive beliefs, every morsel of them, is what made me grow into the warrior, the warrior we are all born to be. I put "man" in quotes as no honorable person would suggest you should violate yourself to please them. It was my misperceptions of myself and my worth that invited in such beings. Our conditioning draws it to us, and breaking that conditioning invites in better, more loving elements of being.  Always.

Societally speaking, weren't we told the same thing? Aren't soldiers frequently ordered to stand as directed for what someone defines is right whether it is in alignment with their view or not? And aren't there consequences for not following that order? And aren't we as a people expected to act like good little soldiers, standing as directed regardless of our view? Do we step back to assess our view? It is time we are left to our own belief of right and wrong, we must go deep within ourselves and determine what is right and then live by that truth..."Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear."~Ambrose Redmoon or Meg Cabot. Our true freedom is more important than fear.

As a soldier, we are vigilant, always looking over our shoulder for the attack, wondering where the next hit will come from, standing brave but perhaps with unrest, anxiety, discomfort. We dare not close our eyes.

As a warrior, we know. We have a calm and knowing presence. We understand that we need no direction from another, we know what to do. We can see what is dangerous simply through our intuition, or knowing. We feel it. It is within us. We have knowledge, wisdom, absolute knowing. We are not reactive. We respond, and we always respond with love, but can also respond with force when it is for the purpose of protection, protection of us, or another.  We do not use our power for the sole purpose of harm.

I believe the world is finally shifting, as it has before and it will again. The masculine energy, largely grounded in the ego has ruled the world for much of this time, and in that, the spirit of Love and the power of knowing and has been diminished almost to our complete destruction, and as we are on the brink of surpassing the limitations of the survival capacity in the world, the igniting of the female energy and intuition is coming to light. This force of wisdom and power can be impenetrable if there is enough unification in its message. We are one, we must stand as such...the earth, and all the life on it deserve our acknowledgement of this truth.

This message speaks not of gender, but of balance. We all have male and female energy, each of us without exception. We as a people, have allowed the female energy to be silenced and in conjunction with much instruction, the power of Love and compassion has been dwindled beyond recognition. Now, we are all saying no more, driving society to begin to demand that we stand in power, the greatest power of all...Love. And in standing in Love we consider others, but we also consider ourselves. We realize there is not dishonor in true justice.

We are beginning to reveal all that has been hidden in the shadows for too long by the ego...all the violations that happened behind closed doors, the deep violence in the home, the rape by those that are supposed to love us, the imprisonment  within our own lives and homes by those that are supposed to love us. Previously we were taught we cannot speak, we should not speak, for it is our job to protect the perpetrator from shame, so they told us.

All people, regardless of race or gender deserve to be held accountable for their actions. No one should escape true justice, and unless we are willing to let the warrior in us stand strong in the voice of truth the world is set for imminent destruction.

The truth, as they say, is what will set us free, and we are seeing it everywhere...everything that was hidden is coming into the light, because the warriors are not afraid to shine that light. The soldiers are becoming warriors and will not take direction if it doesn't feel right, we are no longer going to blindly listen, to do purely what we are told regardless of our gut truth,...instead we are embracing our power and saying no more...to all destruction of the planet and of all living things on it.

The time has come. The energy of Love and the willingness to courageously stand against anything in opposition has come, and I believe we are ready...oppressors will feel the pain of our stance and be forced out of the darkness to stand in the light of their long overdue consequences.

All of us need to remember that we are the only authority and author in our life. That we should honor those around us, but NEVER do so if it violates our own principles, our own integrity, or if it in any way harms us. It is amazing how as a culture we have been taught to heed the direction of others rather than listening to ourselves. Within us, is all that we need. We know what is for the highest, greatest good, if only we slow down enough to access our knowing, and then ignite the courage within us to act upon it.

"Character: In the great scheme of things, what matters is not how long you live, but why you live; what you stand for; and what you are willing to die for."

-Paul Watson

Copyright © 2014 by Diana Iannarone

Redthorn Solutions LLCYour Partner For Conflict and Crisis Resolution
All Partnering done via phone or Internet

If this content strikes a chord with you, consider buying Diana's story which was written to serve as a guide to freedom:

Me and My Shadow

Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom.

 On Amazon: http://tinyurl.com/Book-Kindle-D-Iannarone

Diana, founder of Redthorn Solutions LLC is neither a medical professional nor a lawyer. The thoughts in this blog are opinion only. To learn more about our work go to www.redthornsolutions.com

Our Mission: 

​Partnering with people to relinquish their chaos and confusion in exchange for clarity and resolution from whatever crisis they find themselves in. 

We do not give legal advice, nor do we use legal principles to apply to your circumstances. Instead we focus on how to empower you to communicate and use proper positioning to overcome any struggle through influential and concise communications. We guide people to Wake Up, then Stand Up, so that they may Live Freely.

Find the Courage to Name it: Abuse

People often don't know they are in an abusive situation. One might wonder why they don't know. Well, when for a full lifetime people have been led to believe they are responsible for the reactions and responses of others, they own it. They feel they need to do better or be better so that that their circumstances can change. Also the abuse, the mind control, are often so subtle that they are not, over time, easily recognizable. It is like the boiling frog, it happens gradually and they are now unaware of the truth of their circumstances, until they are entrenched in it and all they know is they hurt, but many times they are still unaware of what the truth of their hurt and circumstances are.

Often when I say in response to someone who shared with me an experience they had with someone they believe wants to love them, "that is abusive"...people immediately jump to denial. They then begin excusing away the behavior of those that they think they "love." They speak of the poor difficult childhood of the party who is diminishing and destroying their spirit, and I remind them, we are not children anymore. I then ask "Would you do the things that are right now being done to you?" At which time, and without fail, I receive and emphatic "NO!" "Why is that?" I respond. Which always leads to a slight gasp as they realize that the appropriate label of the behavior that moments ago they felt was okay to endure, is in fact cruelty, mean, something they wish never to be, but are evidently willing to accept. So why would we allow such treatment of ourselves? Does that not suggest we believe we are less worthy? Loving yourself fully will indeed heal every wound. Love yourself where you are and how you are. Without exception.

We are responsible for our behavior, and although compassion can be offered for the poor, diminishing and loveless childhood, at some point, excuses are not acceptable. Ultimately we are each responsible for who we become, and if we are truly interested in recovery, we would be putting forth effort. So if the person whose behavior you are excusing away has less devotion than you do to their healing, you will not arrive where you hope to. And don't be fooled by the two week improvement to keep you on the hook and in their "game."  You deserve the real deal, don't settle for anything less. Anything in opposition to Love is something less that you deserve.

My experience is that most times, the abuser is not looking to heal, only saying they want to and will as they fear you will leave, but not seeking anything to actually allow that to happen. Each and every one of us are both author and authority in our life. We create the quality of our life, and sometimes that means we have to release people from our grip rather than try to mold them into who we wish them to be, and accept that they will never be the person they promised or that we wish they were. This is okay. They have the right to be precisely who they are. Be thankful for the gift of now knowing what you don't want, so you can find what you do want. And the sooner we realize that and move forward seeking and manifesting what which we now know we truly deserve, the quicker happiness and freedom will be experienced as real; because it is.

Copyright © 2014 by Diana Iannarone

Redthorn Solutions LLCYour Partner For Conflict and Crisis Resolution
All Partnering done via phone or Internet

If this content strikes a chord with you, consider buying Diana's story which was written to serve as a guide to freedom:

Me and My Shadow

Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom.

 On Amazon: http://tinyurl.com/Book-Kindle-D-Iannarone

Diana, founder of Redthorn Solutions LLC is neither a medical professional nor a lawyer. The thoughts in this blog are opinion only. To learn more about our work go to www.redthornsolutions.com

Our Mission: 

​Partnering with people to relinquish their chaos and confusion in exchange for clarity and resolution from whatever crisis they find themselves in. 

We do not give legal advice, nor do we use legal principles to apply to your circumstances. Instead we focus on how to empower you to communicate and use proper positioning to overcome any struggle through influential and concise communications. We guide people to Wake Up, then Stand Up, so that they may Live Freely.

The Power to Restore Your Heart Is Within You!

So what makes us numb out our heart in favor of our mind?  As a result of a life time of being told our feelings are wrong, we simply lose trust.  We don't trust that we are wise enough to know how we feel, but who could be more aware of how we feel than us?  Where we went wrong was allowing someone outside of ourselves to set the standard for our own feelings. We allowed people outside of ourselves to tell us if our feelings were right or wrong instead of trusting and honoring our feelings. As a result, slowly we not only lost our trust in ourselves and thereby our own ability to be the authority in our life, we also numbed our heart, became fearful of connection, fearful that we would hurt someone or be hurt in return. Yet, our heart is all knowing and it is only not trusting it that leads us astray.

So to be free, we must return to ourselves, we must reenter our heart and we must trust our own inner knowing. When we have buried it so deeply, it may be difficult to access at first, spend time with you, journal, re-enter your full self...many times we have detached completely from ourselves.  It is as if we are not even in our body, only in our minds. And from that place it can feel quite barren, empty, lonely, isolating. You have the power to come back to full life.

Here are some thoughts on topic from Me and My Shadow, Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom.

In order to rebuild the self-esteem and self-confidence that we have lost over our lifetimes, we must begin to be the parent to ourselves. Who knows what we need better than we do? Remember, we are each holding the hand of the little child inside of us. We must nurture this child until this child knows that we, the adult, can be trusted to take care of him or her. We must build our toolkit and learn how to offer ourselves the love and acceptance that we have been denied. We cannot expect to find external love until we have found it within ourselves.

When our feelings become too much to bear, we stop feeling them and start thinking them. Our emotions move from our hearts to our heads. We feel only our numbness in our hearts. We operate in our mind because of fear. This has been our defense, our default. This is how we "keep it together." We think our feelings by overanalyzing. We replay situations in our minds over and over. We try to strategize, try to control. We end up being frenetic and anxious. Feelings are not meant for the mind, they are meant for the heart.

Allow me to provide you with a useful exercise in moving from your mind to your heart. Sit quietly, inhale and exhale slowly. Release all the tension in every part of your body, your "happy place" can help. Once you do that, imagine a very small version of yourself coming down a ladder from your brain or mind, to your heart. See a little door in front of your heart and consider stepping in.

Some people are too terrified to step in. Pretend there is someone with you, anyone you’d like, even if they don’t really exist, and attempt to walk in. Meet your heart. As you see the contents of your heart, just pour love, however you envision love, on everything you see or feel. Begin to once again embrace the feeling power of your heart.

This is not to discount the power of our minds, they are powerful and necessary parts of who we are. Our hearts are as well. Obtaining congruence between your heart and your mind leads to a congruent, healthy and flowing body, mind, and spirit. If we only use our minds, it is as if we are only using our left hands. We can get things done, but it is difficult with only one hand. Let the other hand join, and our power exponentially increases. Use both hands…mind and heart. Over time, you can use the whole of you, mind, body, and spirit. There is no shame in feeling our emotions in our heart. We no longer need our facade of invulnerability. After all of the time that we have been numb, we may have forgotten how to feel. We may not be aware that we are feeling anything, let alone what those feelings are. We must regain access to our hearts by beginning in the place where we currently are, our minds.

A simple action to begin rebuilding your self-esteem is to imagine you have sticky labels, and throughout the day, label your emotions. Sad, angry, hurt, afraid, label the positive ones too. There is never a "wrong" emotion. Any emotion that shows up is the right emotion to lead us to the truth about ourselves. Don't argue with your feelings. Through allowing yourself to acknowledge your feelings, you begin to be more self-aware. By consciously and actively labeling our emotions, we are forcing ourselves to be introspective.

Wherever you are in your life right now, no matter how detached you may feel, know that the longing that you have is the longing for you. Spent time with you, reacquaint yourself with the parts of you that were directed to disappear by those who wanted to define you. You define you...and  you are beautiful.

Copyright © 2014 by Diana Iannarone

Redthorn Solutions LLCYour Partner For Conflict and Crisis Resolution
All Partnering done via phone or Internet

If this content strikes a chord with you, consider buying Diana's story which was written to serve as a guide to freedom:

Me and My Shadow

Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom.

 On Amazon: http://tinyurl.com/Book-Kindle-D-Iannarone

Diana, founder of Redthorn Solutions LLC is neither a medical professional nor a lawyer. The thoughts in this blog are opinion only. To learn more about our work go to www.redthornsolutions.com

Our Mission: 

​Partnering with people to relinquish their chaos and confusion in exchange for clarity and resolution from whatever crisis they find themselves in. 

We do not give legal advice, nor do we use legal principles to apply to your circumstances. Instead we focus on how to empower you to communicate and use proper positioning to overcome any struggle through influential and concise communications. We guide people to Wake Up, then Stand Up, so that they may Live Freely.

Alicia Keys - We Are Here (Official Video)

I love her and hadn't heard this song, this touched me at the deepest part of my soul, the song and her words beneath it...I think she is speaking of what many of us feel in our heart and somehow, we have to join our energy so that the knowing of our soul can shift to a world of Love. Love of each other, not Love of Power, Greed and Control...

I know many of you stand with me in the awareness that people are not objects...yet society objectifies people every day. If individually more of us can awaken and join together to help people REMEMBER, we can live in the world we all want, but so far have been unable to attain because those "in charge" wish to manipulate and blind, using fear as their weapon. The fear that is being shown to us is an illusion to make us support the unthinkable thinking it is what we need for our survival. Behind those lies is a world that simply longs for Love.~dri