How Willing are We to Accept Ourselves Exactly Where We Are?

So often we diminish ourselves for what we haven't done, or what we have done, or for what we should have said or what we did say. A lifetime of self-talk that diminishes our spirit and we ask ourselves, why can't I seem to get past this place I am in, go beyond here to the next level of joy?

We have answered our own question. We get stuck because we so commonly do not accept ourselves where we are. We do not offer patience, compassion and love to ourselves so that we can embrace our present moment and garner the strength to move through. Instead we grow intolerant, demanding more of ourselves and reminding ourselves we are not good enough...this is especially true if we have been tormented by abuse from others. We damn ourselves for not yet having changed a certain behavior or circumstance. We tell ourselves we should be further along or better off, tearing down further the remnants of our self-esteem. But you see we have the power to change our life at anytime, but the first step is acceptance of ourselves and the present conditions of our life. You can't get where you are going, until  you embrace where you are.

This self-ridicule and harsh intolerance of ourselves is especially true if we have had a pattern of being in abusive situations and relationships. Inside these abusive dynamics we often have moved to a life of vigilance. By this I mean, that we are unconsciously on our guard, cautious about our words, we deny our feelings for fear of setting something off. We walk on the proverbial eggshells, we need to stop that. We are not responsible for the behavior of others, and if it is dangerous or very risky to be who we truly are, then we just might need to change our circumstances. This vigilance is exhausting and draining, and frankly, must cease for us ever truly be free. 

To find your path to freedom and healing, you must gather your strength. This requires some introspection to heighten your awareness about yourself so you can move beyond the present situation.  This is true for each of us.

As I share in my book, Me and My Shadow:

The first step in healing is to offer complete acceptance of yourself, in your frailties, in your addictions, in your negativity, in the exact place you are. Embrace where you are with love.

When have you ever known complete acceptance of you?

Get free and rest, end the life of vigilance. It’s time.

Decide to live this. It takes courage.

Love and acceptance are what we have been striving for all along. We did so by trying to reel it in from the external, when all we needed to do was turn to ourselves. This is your time to give caring and compassion to yourself, so you will know what it feels like and recognize when you are receiving something to the contrary. And as you begin to love and accept yourself as you are, you will see you will receive an abundance of love and acceptance from others. You have always been the teacher of what you deserve. You are the magnet that brings just what you are asking for into your life.

If you have been in abusive situations your whole life, I feel confident stating you have never embraced where you are. You have always pursued perfection. You have always demanded more of yourself. You have always had rigid expectations. You repeatedly reminded yourself that you could be better, you cannot stop, and you cannot rest. You have carried the belief that stamina and endurance were necessary or something bad would happen. You have moved to your head, your mind, you were always thinking and avoiding feeling. We perceived it was safer in our mind than our heart, so we chose to live in that space. We must return to our heart to truly be free.

Yes, I used the word "always," which always carries with it some risk of falsehood. Yet, I chose always intending to reflect adamantly on those words. I long to drive us to look at the frequency with which we push ourselves to be more, do more, often without pausing to see what that incessant use of our stamina and endurance is doing to us. What is happening to our mind, body, emotions and spirit as we drive ourselves in the futile act of appeasing and supporting the needs of others, while often disregarding ourselves?

In my book I suggest imagining the world as a jigsaw puzzle and ask that you visualize that each person on the planet has a singular piece of that puzzle. All that must happen for the world to be at peace, is that each person hold the piece THEY are responsible for and capable of holding. Now of course there are times that people are genuinely unable to do so, but how often do we just take the liberty of carrying the load of another? We do this for a multitude of reasons. Sometimes by choice because we are devoted to controlling others; sometimes because we don't believe they are carrying their piece appropriately and sometimes, many times, we are carrying the responsibilities of others because we have allowed guilt and shame to be utilized to manipulate us to do more and be more. We do so under the illusion that we will gain that seemingly elusive, Love and Acceptance. Through our constant denial of self, we make allowance for our spirit to be diminished. Through this disregard of our suffering, our self-confidence and self-esteem undoubtedly begin to crumble. This crumbling robs of us our strength, our sense of worth, and the knowing that we deeply matter.

So how do we begin to restore that which we have allowed to be siphoned from us? Here is another excerpt to assist in reclaiming what we should never have allowed ourselves to 
lose—ourselves...

In order to rebuild the self-esteem and self-confidence that we have lost over our lifetimes, we must begin to be the parent to ourselves. Who knows what we need better than we do? Remember, we are each holding the hand of the little child inside of us. We must nurture this child until this child knows that we, the adult, can be trusted to take care of him or her. We must build our toolkit and learn how to offer ourselves the love and acceptance that we have been denied. We cannot expect to find external love until we have found it within ourselves.

When our feelings become too much to bear, we stop feeling them and start thinking them. Our emotions move from our hearts to our heads. We feel only our numbness in our hearts. We operate in our mind because of fear. This has been our defense, our default. This is how we "keep it together." We think our feelings by overanalyzing. We replay situations in our minds over and over. We try to strategize, try to control. We end up being frenetic and anxious. Feelings are not meant for the mind, they are meant for the heart.

Allow me to provide you with a useful exercise in moving from your mind to your heart. Sit quietly, inhale and exhale slowly. Release all the tension in every part of your body, your "happy place" can help. Once you do that, imagine a very small version of yourself coming down a ladder from your brain or mind, to your heart. See a little door in front of your heart and consider stepping in.

Some people are too terrified to step in. Pretend there is someone with you, anyone you’d like, even if they don’t really exist, and attempt to walk in. Meet your heart. As you see the contents of your heart, just pour love, however you envision love, on everything you see or feel. Begin to once again embrace the feeling power of your heart.

This is not to discount the power of our minds, they are powerful and necessary parts of who we are. Our hearts are as well. Obtaining congruence between your heart and your mind leads to a congruent, healthy and flowing body, mind, and spirit. If we only use our minds, it is as if we are only using our left hands. We can get things done, but it is difficult with only one hand. Let the other hand join, and our power exponentially increases. Use both hands…mind and heart. Over time, you can use the whole of you, mind, body, and spirit. There is no shame in feeling our emotions in our heart. We no longer need our facade of invulnerability. After all of the time that we have been numb, we may have forgotten how to feel. We may not be aware that we are feeling anything, let alone what those feelings are. We must regain access to our hearts by beginning in the place where we currently are, our minds.

And as we turn inward, we will begin to accept ourselves in our present space. Once we acknowledge our vulnerability, our emotions, our need to not do it alone, something wonderful happens. We enter the path to finding our true power once again. 

Copyright © 2014 by Diana Iannarone

If this strikes a chord with you, consider buying my book:

Me and My Shadow

Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom.

On Amazon: http://tinyurl.com/Book-and-Kindle

The Power of Cognitive Dissonance

Tug-of-war, an exercise frequently thought of as fun and challenging. A game of force and resistance. It is easy to see the game in your mind's eye. You might even recall a time or two you played it. You may recall that sheer brute force you utilized trying to pull the rope in your direction, collapsing the other team's energy so you could pull the rope past the mark and label your team—Victor! Perhaps you even recall what happens when one side just choose to let go...you may recall falling on your ass, but in the end, you were also free from the resistance; perhaps even relieved. You may be dizzy, tired, frustrated and feel a bit like a loser, but it is over. And frankly it being over is better than the battle of continual, unending resistance you were in. So in some ways, either way you are the victor by getting out of the constant resistance. The path you choose requires you to understand the consequence of each.

Welcome to cognitive dissonance; a real life depiction of that game of tug-of-war that can go on in your mind and body as exhaustively as the game you may recall, and, there is no release until it ends. And the timeline to achieve release is determined by many factors. This experience of dissonance is without a doubt one of the most painful, confusing and often unexplained circumstances and can drive you to believe you are actually going crazy. Cognitive dissonance can occur anytime you have two opposing thoughts in your mind.

Seems simple enough, just pick one belief or the other! Oh, but if only it were that simple. Cognitive dissonance can be created in our own mind by the restrictive rules we create for ourselves and our inability to follow them. Or by our belief that something is unhealthy for us, yet we have an inability to remedy the behavior to get in to congruence with our beliefs. This experience is routinely endured at one level or another, one time or another, by all of us.

Cognitive dissonance can also be forced upon us by the subtle or blatant behaviors of another, who has the intent to harm. In this instance that dissonance can be outright debilitating. The determining factor in deciding how much pain you will be in, is directly dependent upon just how contradictory these opposing thoughts are and the degree of control you believe you have to resolve that opposition of thought. This tug-of-war at its worst can immobilize you, can have you feel like you are dying, and in fact, wish that you were. In these moments you have a complete contradiction in your mind that can feel like a tug-of-war, or worse, like your mind will explode. This level of cognitive dissonance can literally bring you to a point where you feel you cannot even function; yet cognitive dissonance is always resolvable. Just not necessarily easily resolvable. This form of dissonance, whose pain cannot be articulated unless you have experienced it, is often caused by gaslighting, or what I call, on a day I chose to refrain from a more appropriate name—crazymaking.

To resolve cognitive dissonance your beliefs must become congruent. Your inner beliefs must match your outer reality, put another way, in essence you must get in alignment with truth, no matter how difficult. Or redraw the line of where the boundary is to align with your truth. But truth isn't always evident, and isn't always easy to face even if it were...

So what makes this so hard? The depth and breadth of this discussion is vast. I will touch upon this on an ongoing basis. Today, I am going to choose a few examples to illustrate it in both its simplest and most devastating forms. I will also suggest some ways you can come to peace when you are in this potentially crippling place.

The level of cognitive dissonance that is felt by most of us at one time or another, is when we are trying to break a habit, or start one, or we know we should take better care of our spiritual, financial, emotional, physical, or mental self, but we can't. 

Here are a few excerpts from my book to illustrate:

In the healing process I felt I was in a constant tug-of-war. I felt like pleasurable things would bring me pain. I felt so convicted in this belief that my life was a reflection of its truth. I understood I had created these rules about what perfection looked like relative to my physical self, the way I cared for my body, and the way I should behave. I would intentionally disobey these standards. I found a way to always feel bad about myself. It was to the point that this conflict, this cognitive dissonance, was consuming.

I was so used to feeling guilt and shame that I didn't know how to exist without their presence, so I engaged in behaviors to justify my feelings of guilt and shame. Without my "shameful" behavior I would have no idea why I was feeling guilt, therefore, I would just feel like I was crazy. Instead I was more comfortable carrying those emotions and deeming myself bad. I believed I was not good enough.

I was a harsh and judgmental parent to myself. I was unforgiving for any misstep. My vision of how I should be was in conflict with the way I wanted to be. I wanted to be freer and yet I was bound by all these rules of my own making.

I could consciously, intellectually, see the conflict and I knew all I had to do was give up one or the other, the rule or the behavior, but emotionally I couldn't get there. I didn’t know which I should do; or even if I could do either one.

So the cognitive dissonance here is exacerbated by the uncertainty of which change is even the most "right;" so to speak. Are my rules too rigid, and so I need to lighten up? Or, are my rules appropriate and I need to get in alignment with them. Until both the thought and the behavior can get congruent we have officially obtained a rope pulling us in both directions; cognitive dissonance. To illustrate further...

I want to stop drinking, I know I need to exercise, I don’t want to work so many hours, yet I can’t seem to change it; I have no choice. If you have felt guilt your whole life, you will continue to engage in behaviors that make you feel guilty. You create justification for your guilt. Otherwise you would walk around feeling guilty, and not know why! The more we dwell on these behaviors that we no longer want in our lives, the longer we will find ourselves engaging in those behaviors. It is only once we accept ourselves in our "flawed" state and begin to love ourselves, that we can move past these behaviors. Release the adamancy of these behaviors (I have to work out three days a week, I must give up drinking) and they will be much easier to change. As long as you are holding steadily to your false beliefs, or your condemning, harmful thoughts, very little will change. Permanent change requires a permanent extinguishing of your negative beliefs and self-talk, and the creation of boundaries that are truly acceptable to you; who you really are. Sadly we struggle to change our behavior. It is as if we want to stand up, but our belt loop keeps getting caught on the chair. We feel stuck, gripping and focusing on what we no longer want in our lives.

It is up to us to build our self-confidence and self-esteem. The sooner we release our grip on the things we want to change, the easier it will be to move to living free. Often, recovering our self-confidence and self-esteem and building our boundaries happens simultaneously.

Until we alter the programming, the beliefs that are harming us, those outer experiences will not permanently change. As with all areas of our lives, the change must begin within. Our self-talk is the easiest thing for us to control. So start there by accepting those things that you perceive as bad behaviors for now, embrace them. No longer condemn yourself for them. Remind yourself that you will better care for yourself moving forward. No longer be that harsh, judgmental parent to yourself. You deserve nurturing and compassion. Like raising a child, you must embrace yourself where you are, not criticize yourself. Begin to believe that you can move to a better place. Rejection of any part of yourself will create more negative emotions, and more negative emotions will likely lead to intensification of those behaviors. You can’t reject part of yourself hoping to arrive at wholeness. These behaviors will melt away once you begin to live in alignment with who you really are, and love and accept yourself in every step along the way. It is so liberating. It is so freeing. Trust the process, trust yourself.

The second form of cognitive dissonance is that which is thrust upon you by another. This is the worst mind-fuck imaginable. This term, that some may find offensive, is a widely accepted term to describe this experience because it defines it precisely. I assure you, those that find it offensive, have never experienced it. Crazymaking, gaslighting, it's pseudonyms, just are so often deemed to fall short.

To illustrate, here is another excerpt:

Those that have experienced this methodology will validate the agony it induces. This “Crazymaking” is exactly what it sounds like. The abuser will send contradictory messages, or claim that we do not remember events as they actually transpired. They work to get us to doubt ourselves, to think that perhaps we really are losing it. They want to break us.

For insight into how the crazymaking is played let me give a little detail.

Eventually, you tire of their manipulations and you begin to find your strength. They sense you pulling away. They fear that you are gaining the awareness that you hold the "game-over card" and that once it is played they will lose their reign as controller of your life. It is important that you recall, that when they sense a game-over card is near, the first approach is generally to present to you the behaviors they know you want to see. They know, because we have vocalized them in full detail. Suddenly that love, compassion, and acceptance we have been longing for, appears. They know that those things will lure us in, just as they have in the past.

One instance that illustrates what I am describing was in the moments leading to my full awakening. After returning from the vacation to my parents' house, I was on the phone with my then abuser who I was looking to end the relationship with. As established during that trip we were no longer living together, and of course he was looking to manipulate his way back into my home. Remember, this is always a ploy. They will try endless techniques to get in, or get you physically to be near them, which is often how people end up dead. I was not letting him in, a strength that illustrates just how close I was to fully waking. I was finally beginning to trust myself instead of him.

He had been working tirelessly to prove to me how he had changed. He was being the picture of the man that I had longed for. The behavior was impressive. However, as he sensed that I was still pulling away, he became harder to predict, and more confusing.

When he saw that his act was not being as effective as it had been in the past, he tried a new strategy. He moved to accountability. During a memorable phone call, he took ownership for his failings in the relationship. One by one he emotionally listed the ways that he had damaged our relationship. He listed the many ways he had harmed me and let me down. I was stunned as I listened. I was moved to tears at this admission of guilt, and his longing for redemption. I knew I had to leave him for good, yet so much of me wanted to believe, still, I was suspicious. Unconsciously though, the incongruence of his words and the behavior I had always known, was so apparent that I asked if he was alone, or if he was taping the call. I wanted to know whose benefit this ownership of his failings was for. Suspicion was part of the evidence that I was on the verge of waking.

In that instant, he switched. He now turned the tables.

He began to accuse me of all the failings in the relationship. He began to say that I abandoned him. Each and every accusation he owned just moments before was being calculatedly hurled at me. One by one, in painstaking detail, I was being diminished and destroyed. Suddenly, everything wrong with our relationship was my fault. He denied any claim he had made just moments before. I couldn’t breathe. I dropped to my knees. I was in sheer agony over the head game. I screamed, “You betrayed me, you betrayed yourself! How could you? Who are you???” I was crying, screaming. I thought I must have been having a nervous breakdown. My scream was not one of anger. It was a scream of destruction; of uncontrollable pain. Just as it began to dawn on me that this insanity is what he had wanted all along, I hear him say, “Do you want me to come over and hold you?” I still couldn’t breathe. I thought, Oh my God! What? What did he just say? He is offering compassion? Comfort? What is he doing? The insanity stops me dead in my tracks. I went silent. I was in absolute confusion and pain. I am not sure how long I held my breath. I guess I hung up.

I was stunned and confused. I didn’t understand his mixed signals. Which was it? Was he apologizing or blaming? My head was throbbing. The incongruence was taking its toll on my body. My head and heart were experiencing intolerable, excruciating pain. This pain left me on my knees unable to breathe for some time. Finally, I inhaled. I tasted the sweet breath of life. I then considered how that tape of our call would harm me. I was now confident there was one.

That encounter was “Crazymaking”. This is what they do so that they can call you crazy and you will believe it. This is not you acting or being crazy. As a new friend that I met days after this experience would repeatedly remind me, "You were having a sane reaction to an insane situation."

As you read these words, if they resonate at any level you are likely in the unfortunate situation to be in relationship with a narcissist and/or a sociopath. In spite of what an individual who has never been in such an entanglement may tell you, this trauma is not resolvable by trying harder or getting your mind clearer. This trauma is resolved by getting out and never looking back. If you would like help or guidance to be permanently free from this type of abuse, contact me at diana@standingup.us for a free consultation so we can design a plan to release you from this painful confinement.

Copyright © 2014 by Diana Iannarone

If this strikes a chord with you, consider buying my book:

Me and My Shadow

Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom.

On Amazon: http://tinyurl.com/Book-and-Kindle

Discovering the Truth

Excerpt from Me and My Shadow:

"It is our fear of something bad happening, our fear of shame and the resulting need to control that causes that tight rope, that restrictive environment where we carefully focus on each step for fear of falling. That focus, and our lack of self-awareness, causes us to build the prison that contains us. We deny our freedom to feel, which numbs us. It is in honoring our freedom to feel and acknowledging those feelings that we gain awareness, not only of ourselves, but of others. Awareness enables us to experience freedom from manipulation. This is not to say you cannot be influenced. This is to say that you will only be influenced by those who you allow to influence you. This has always been true, but now you will be aware of what you are allowing. If the influence is not in alignment with your goals, or your values, you can choose to ignore the influence.

What if the very thing you are trying to avoid comes to fruition because of your desire to control? We tend to attract those things that we focus on, and what could possibly require more focus than attempting to control those things that are out of our hands? The more you try to control people and situations, the more out of control they become. Sometimes the tipping of the applecart brings great awareness and strength. Sometimes letting things fall leads to a new understanding. Remember the jigsaw puzzle? Any attempt to hold another’s “piece” for them is an attempt to control.

How many other instances are there that we attempt to control? We strive to control because we fear the potential outcomes. There are two potential outcomes that we tend to fear, but they are really one in the same. The first is an outcome resulting in the loss of a tangible object we are attached to (money, possessions, a person, or even a lifestyle). The second is an outcome resulting in our own shame. Guilt triggers us; we worry something bad will happen, so we act to avoid shame. This one may be slightly harder to grasp than the loss of a tangible object. It is often seen when we attempt to control a person or situation. To provide an illustration, perhaps we are attempting to “change” our significant other. This person is abusive, but we know that we can help. As stated earlier, it is our soul purpose. But perhaps there is something other than our kind heart keeping us in the relationship, perhaps there is fear. We must change him or her to avoid the shame of failure, the shame of being unable to fix them. The shame of another failed relationship. When we fear loss of something tangible, the fear feels different, but it is still rooted in shame. The shame of how we will be perceived without the people or possessions that define us. In each of these instances, this fear tends to manifest itself in the form of worry. “I am worried about my marriage” or “I am worried about the economy.” These “worries” are merely fear in disguise. It is by releasing control that we release the fear, and thus the worry associated with it. The only thing we can control is ourselves, and while we cannot allow others to manipulate and abuse us, we must allow life to happen. Life is going to happen either way, but the joy in life is found by relinquishing control.

Copyright © 2014 by Diana Iannarone

If this strikes a chord with you, consider buying my book:

Me and My Shadow

Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom.

On Amazon: http://tinyurl.com/Book-and-Kindle

The Disguise

Excerpt from Me and My Shadow:

"Manipulators have to hurry. Their goal is to get you in too deep to easily escape before you can see the truth. Suddenly you may be living together, married, engaged, having children, merging your finances, and you find yourself asking, did I agree to this? Urgency, speed to advance the relationship is a red flag. The rules that we place upon ourselves that were created outside of ourselves become the wonderful tools that the sociopath or abuser will use against us. These men will leverage your fears and shame, your sense of duty. Somehow they convince us that if we are not willing to move quickly we must not love them…and so to prove we love them we begin to jump.

Over time, their goal is to make us have the sense that now our whole survival depends on them. So they may encourage you to quit your job and trust them, or buy a bigger house and they will take care of it…or move to another area where they can make more money to provide, meanwhile you are now far away from any support system you may have.

In reality, if you could just speak sociopath it means, “I want to remove from you all sources of independence you might have. I want to eliminate everything that can take care of you from your life, so that suddenly, you feel as though all you have as your source of survival is me. I want to separate you from your friends, your money, your family, your job and anything that might be deemed a provider of your security. I want you alone, completely and totally to myself.”

One of my abusers used to say, “I want us to be in our own little cocoon of love. I want the kind of love that when people think of me, they automatically think of you. I long for people to not be able to think of one of us without the other, almost as if we are one.” I believed this to be a statement of undying love …but now of course I can hear it as the truth—isolation. Having lost all sense of community and independence, you now feel exactly what they hoped you would feel: helpless.

Consciously or unconsciously, these abusers see who we are and know that we will let them in. They test us on a small scale and we pass with flying colors. They test to see if we will feel for their sad situation or bend our plans or ideas because of them. They see us because we choose to be a target. They test to see if we are vulnerable to them, and act once they are certain we are. If you look at your life, the part of it that is behind you, you can likely see that you have had a pattern of allowing others to control you at some levels. Those that have not had that pattern can still be susceptible. Often we become susceptible to engaging with a sociopath after we have a traumatic experience such as a death, divorce, job loss; anything that shakes our stability and makes us vulnerable, makes us a more likely target for a sociopath or someone who wishes to control us. These individuals troll for vulnerable people. It is like they can smell us; we are bait.

The soft and charismatic beginning often shifts to what we see as passion, although it is really just anger and control. We believe that their jealousy is understandable; they have been hurt in the past. We will gladly remove any remnant of a past relationship such as a photo or keepsake at their request or more likely, their demand or insistent pleas. We are surprised by how few friends they have or how they are alienated from their family. They tell us it is because of their past. Their past mistakes perhaps—everyone loves a good redemption story. Perhaps they lost everything through no fault of their own. They spin a tale of victimization, something we can relate to. They tell us they had wealth, had success, but it was taken from them. In contrast, they may be quite successful when they enter our lives. These people will claim to have earned their success like many who have gone before them, but in truth, these people have littered their paths to success with the destruction of others.

I speak of these men in my past as if there were never good times, but there were. Perhaps recognizing the abuse would have been easier if there were not glorious breaks from it. The moments of joy sustained me, as I hoped and longed for the next one. I have spoken of the fairy tale beginning to these relationships. They were full of grand romantic gestures, soul-bearing conversations, and laughter. This charade would often be repeated if the abuser suspected I may be pulling away. However, the illusion of romance was not only for my benefit, it was so that everyone we encountered, friends, strangers, relatives, would think I had found Prince Charming. They saw the dinners, the flowers, the limos, the vacations. What they couldn’t see was what went on behind closed doors.

We stay in these relationships tolerating the intolerable because of the moments where they show us love, that is just as powerful as their hate. We do not see their hate as malice, but as wounds they long to heal. To gain that love feels so good. We keep hoping that we can heal them enough so that someday the love will be our life, the hate will melt away, and our fairy tale will come true.

Those moments that capture our heart and bring us into the delusion of their love so deep, a tenderness so seemingly real, that we stay hoping for another morsel, another moment that gives us the illusion we are loved. Those are the moments that set the hook ever deeper.

To me, the abuse I experienced was nothing more than a demonstration of his pain. Asleep, I was unaware that what I was experiencing was in fact abuse. I saw nothing wrong with occasionally sharing with a family member an interaction that illustrated this pain. I would tell them of his tormented soul, and I expected compassion for his suffering. I was confused when these stories were met with the occasional suggestion I should leave him. I didn't understand their perspective. Obviously, I never listened. It wasn't until I could see for myself that I was being abused, that I was willing to walk away.

I see why others struggle to understand why we stay. Why would someone choose to be in an abusive relationship? To those of us who stay, it is not a conscious choice, it is an outcome. Everything happens so quickly! In some of these dangerous relationships the victim, like I was, is completely unconscious of the reality that they should fear for their life. If they became conscious of this fear and felt they could not escape, they would be terrified. Neglecting to experience this fear helps to keep us asleep.

How safe these abusers must feel knowing they can harm us in any way possible, while also knowing we are devotedly concerned with their safety. We do all we can to help them avoid consequences or harm. And even when they inflict harm upon us, we will never call the police, or if we do, we may also bail them out. They know we will never give the full details of the gravity of what they have done to others or to us. We will minimize the harm they have repeatedly caused. In fact our most compelling lie, aside from the one we tell ourselves, would be the one told in the interest of protecting the abuser whose spell we are deeply under.

Once Awake, all of the distortions in our views vanish, seemingly like magic."
~excerpt from Me and My Shadow.

Copyright © 2014 by Diana Iannarone

If this strikes a chord with you, consider buying my book:

Me and My Shadow

Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom.

On Amazon: http://tinyurl.com/Book-and-Kindle

Fear is the energy that contracts. Love is the energy that expands.

How often do we let fear creep into our lives, sabotaging our behavior, limiting our potential and even blocking us from the joyful Love that exists?

When we are on the brink of something wonderful, something that is simply ebbing and flowing and creating itself, we have a tendency to jump in and try and control it. Often in those moments of complete wonder and joy...we allow Fear to take over and drive us to control. Fear, which is in relative opposition to Love, is an obstacle to all that awaits.  We over think, we over analyze, we move from our heart to our mind and thereby sabotage our own joy.  It is our mind and the thoughts within it that can create our confinement.  Our thoughts becoming like the harsh judgmental parent, telling us of all we are not, the ways in which we are not good enough, the ways in which we cannot be understood and accepted, the ways in which we aren't worthy, especially in matters of the heart. These are the lies we tell ourselves that mold our life...and we can chose to stop it at any time. Be willing to take baby steps, raise our consciousness about our thoughts and shift to more trusting, loving ones.

It is our choice to Live Free. Of course, the human factor is simply unavoidable at times, it rears its ugly head and implores us to consider that all the ease we may  be experiencing is an illusion and we must control, we must doubt, we must fear.  How long we allow this anxiety to consume us is up to us. Anxiety is about lack of trust and emotions we have chosen to stifle. We must release what is inside of us, journal through our fear, doubt, sadness and get back in the flow that awaits for us to trust.

So when I recognize my saboteur is holding the reins of my life, I breathe, I step back, I remind myself of the wonder of Love and I instead choose to Trust, and release the compulsions, the racing thoughts, the analysis of all I could have or should have done/said or not done/said that can appear in my mind. With my awareness, I begin to drop the reins and instead 

again allow for the opportunity of all that awaits to be joyfully and easily created and enjoyed. In those moments, I choose to shift from fear, that False Evidence Appearing Real, to trust.  I remind myself of how glorious things are when I allow them to happen, rather than over thinking and controlling.  What I have learned is the more we try and control things, the more out of control they get. We have to remind ourselves of our deservingness—and that Love and peace is abundant, even for us.

Let us choose to release the contracting power of fear and forever move instead back to the expanding power of Love.  We are whole, complete, and loveable and just as we are. I have learned the object is not to be vested in the outcomes, but instead to enjoy each moment of the journey, fearless and fully present along the way, experiencing peace.

Excerpt from Me and my Shadow, Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom

"What if once we learn, really learn, that we are the creators of our own lives, we can freely let go of the confining boundaries we imagined, release our illusion of control, and realize that we have, in essence, become one with the river and can truly trust the flow of life?"

Copyright © 2014 by Diana Iannarone

If this strikes a chord with you, consider buying my book:

Me and My Shadow

Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom.

On Amazon: http://tinyurl.com/Book-and-Kindle

If You Bow Down Gracefully, You Just May Lose Your Head!

We must be warriors for awareness and change. The prevalence of narcissistic and sociopathic encounters are growing rampant in our society and I hope we can all unite to secure our ability to stand in our power and defeat them. We must be courageous and shine the flashlight on the evil and deception these individuals utilize to cause destruction of our world and our hearts. Armed with knowledge and strength, together we will change the world.

"I'd take a bullet for you!" He would so often say. I realize now of course if ever put to that test, I would far more likely be the shield than the protected. The sociopath and the narcissist alike paint a very noble picture of themselves. They intimate that they would never harm, they state convincingly that they always intend to do the right thing. They share with us painful pieces of the injustice in their life. They portray that in spite of their nobility, somehow it seems that time after time they get betrayed. This is intended to pull on our heart strings. While we are asleep, which is the term I use to define being willing to accept their lies as truth, we wish to aid these seemingly unfortunate souls. They are indeed self-described protectors of all they "claim" to love. "I will stand to protect you always, even at my own peril!" And, the illusion of safety is craftily devised...

They may share with you stories of their dark past, before they became changed by awareness;  or God. They often use spirituality or religion as the power that enlightened them to their truth and stepped them on their quest to be a better man or woman. This is all part of the allure to hook you. Stories of redemption and hope.

While asleep, there are times we sort of scrunch our brows together as we hear their words, their reactions and responses to others when they feel they are being mistreated by them and we say to ourselves, well that doesn't seem a very noble response does it? Then we justify away the fleeting, yet glaring truth; the glimpse of their evil that we just witnessed. We excuse it away under the concept of believing they feel injured, they are merely defending themselves or reacting to harm. Duly note however, that when there is conflict, they do not address these things in an adult manner as we would. Rather than seek to understand and ask questions...they attack with a vengeance. The more devious and insidious reactions you witness, the more you begin to see the truth...yet we often allow ourselves to believe we are the chosen one.  By this I mean we tell ourselves that they treat those people that way, they would do that to THEM, but never to us. And of course if it does happen to us, they are so good at blaming that we somehow accept our role in what transpired and we begin to believe we must have deserved it. When that mask slips, when you see the unkindness bestowed on others or yourself, they are showing you the truth of their capacity for evil; believe them.

Remember too that these individuals have no true competency to feel emotions as we do. So when they hear the emotions or see the emotions of others they are merely observing;  seeking to learn how it is done so they can utilize this power, so they can mimic that pattern they observed when it suits them.  I have also discovered through experience that sociopaths and narcissists have a sort of naive play, a presence of innocence.  They set the stage about how noble they are and then act like they don't understand the cruelty of others...why would they be cruel to me?  I have always been good to others, why would someone harm me?  I have only tried to help others, why do they betray me? And we believe. We believe because in many cases it has been OUR truth, we have devotedly given and we are just saddened that they have been so mistreated.

They may even act confused, "why do these people respond this way?" "Why do they judge me like that?"  And we are so often the infinite teachers and nurturers, we teach, explain, comfort, like one might with a small child. We help them see meaning in behaviors, deepening their power and strength against us.  Beware of their proclaimed innocence to their comprehension of the cruelty and judgment of the world, as it may simply be them denying their own truth. We so often choose to educate them how to imitate feelings, portray compassion, act in a manner that shows reverence, honor, love...we must fully acknowledge the truth, they do not truly experience these emotions, not do they wish to. They appear to absorb this guidance for one reason, they always only have one reason...never for any other reason...purely, solely and completely, to get what they want or need from us. 

This naive play they employ can be in many facets, in love or in business, so how do we often respond? We share our intellectual capital, our advice, we offer our wisdom to help them.  We also often open our check book, or offer our connections, or business know-how.  Those of us that are targeted for this type of abuse have high self-confidence, that is what makes us a valued target.  Our knowledge and strength is what drew them to us, knowing we would deliver our full value. They knew, what we didn't recognize, and that was that our low self-esteem blinds us to the truth of them. We do not see the fullness of our worth as an individual.  We see our "doings" as our power, rather than ourselves. And so we love or give to the point of sacrifice, hoping beyond hope to receive the depth of love or appreciation, so we will know we are worthy.

They are devoid of any true depth, and anything  you experience to the contrary is an illusion.  For narcissists, this illusion is depicted to leverage others into giving them praise for their greatness and the incessant compassion they long for. For sociopaths it is to take something from you, control you, your money, your assets, even your pets...and most horridly, your children.

Their childlike innocence, this seeming lack of understanding is a ploy, and we often see it as part of their charm.  We must awaken!  An adult does not need basic emotions explained. Normal functioning adults know cause and effect. They so often claim to have had a lifetime of abuse and yet they assert that they do not understand emotions, reactions, behaviors. This may very well mean one thing, they are devoid of emotion, devoid of conscience.  A sociopath and a narcissist alike never genuinely take accountability for any harm they may have caused. Trying to hold them accountable is like trying to nail Jello to a tree. They always slip away...leaving us thinking it must be us. We targets are highly accountable individuals and are therefore always willing to consider it is the error of our ways that need to be addressed...until we WAKE UP!

To Wake up is to snap out of the delusion they have convinced us to believe. When we snap awake, the truth is painfully revealed.  It is incomprehensible to us that we ever could have missed such blatant deception.  We must remind ourselves though that deception was their plan. Our plan, was Love or business success and all actions were grounded in kindness and integrity. We must be willing to look within and really listen to that inner knowing. It is there, it always is there, yet we tend to disregard that knowing in favor of what we want to believe, what we desperately want to be the truth. Instead, we deny that knowing for the hope of the dream...the dream they calculatingly manifested in our mind and our heart so deeply that we refuse to see anything else.  And how did they do that?  They listened, they heard, and began painting beautiful imagery with every brush stroke...a work of art that they themselves simply had to hide behind so the truth of their deviance would not be detected by us.

Can you hear their words?  " No one has ever loved me like this."  "No one has ever made me a priority like this."  "No one has ever supported me like this." Thankfully now as I hear these words I am more apt to respond with this ill feeling in my stomach...and say to myself (or even aloud), perhaps there is a reason! 

Restoration of our self-esteem changes our vibration in such a way that we become a mismatch for these unconscionable individuals, rather than a magnet pulling them toward us.

Once we are restored to our wholeness we know that as they define all the betrayal, as they speak of the poor character of those they have been in relationship with, that it is themselves in the mirror that they see.  We then realize these individuals objectify people, they do not know how to genuinely honor another, no matter what they may mimic or reflect to the contrary.  People, sadly, are unwitting pawns in a game of their life.  These predators cannot see into the heart and soul of another, they can only see the "use" of this object. Yes, until we are awake to our own worthiness and then able to see the truth, we are susceptible to be used as a mere object, nothing more. We must not delude ourselves into reaching through to find any other conclusion.  We cannot persuade them to be different in any real terms.

In the case of a sociopath, they will simply hide the parts of themselves that you tell them you do not wish to see. They hide the parts of themselves that will cause you to leave so that they can keep you in the game and control you.  

A narcissist does not thrive on control in the same manner, they instead thrive on the strokes to their ego, their lifeblood.  And, when they decide they are not receiving the full dose they need for their survival, they will likely just discard you, after selecting a new person to fuel their ego from those left waiting in the wings, on reserve, for this moment.

While "asleep" or deluded to the truth before us, we want to be kind and loving to those that have been harmed, it is our nobility that traps us. The key is to be Awake in our nobility.  Know when to use our heart, our wisdom, our soul...and when to use our cunning...even perhaps our sword, the sword of power that was always within us if we would simply be willing to use it.

Our truth telling loving character is beautiful, yet, if you want to get free from a sociopath or narcissist,  you are simply going to have to learn to temper this. Learn how to say what is necessary, yes, EVEN if it is not precisely true!  And less is more...the more you divulge, the more you load their arsenal with which they plan to attack you.

So what ignites the evil to become more visible to us? Their attack patterns are not precisely the same.

It has been my experience that the sociopath attacks when they think you are finding your freedom, your independence, and they try to bring you back under their control.  When their attacks fail, they recalculate. Most often, they now come in with charm, claiming some proclamation of failure that they persuasively swear they will remedy, for good this time.

The narcissist, attacks when they believe they have been questioned, when you push back on something they have stated, or you withdraw some of your devoted attention. Thy King shall never be questioned and shall always be adored. Thy King is never wrong...now you mere servant, get back to work.  Honor me or it shall be off with your head! To honor me, you must raise me up, you must see my uniqueness and cherish it.  You must also prove yourself worthy of the continuation of my love by explaining your unacceptable behavior... and remember, "I would NEVER harm the sanctity of Love, or betray you and I demand the same from you." The hidden words following that statement that shant ever be revealed are...unless you dare to observe anything short of greatness in me.

From the beginning, if we could just remember we deserve nothing but Love. That when our gut is prompting us that something is wrong, we must trust it.  Trust that knowing. Don't let the "picture" of the dream blind you from the truth of the delusional journey you can easily embark on, but not easily recover from—once you are jolted into seeing their cruelty as real. We must all AWAKEN...and STAND.  And lest we never forget, the label of sociopath, narcissist, psychopath is not what matters, the quality of your life does. If it hurts, destroys, disempowers or minimizes us, we must begin to move away from it. We must remind ourselves of our power and sound mind. We must remind ourselves to remain grounded in our intellect, our knowing of their behaviors and patterns and begin our escape.  For each scenario that you question the proficiency of your mind, know that was their intention, to have you lose faith in your knowing and your abilities.  Instead remember, your life with them caused you to have sane reactions to insane situations; not the other way around.  We must do what we can to recapture our freedom and never let go of it again.  We deserve to be surrounded in only Love, and we know the difference.  Trust that knowing.  Always.

Copyright © 2014 by Diana Iannarone

If this strikes a chord with you, consider buying my book:

Me and My Shadow

Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom.

On Amazon: http://tinyurl.com/Book-and-Kindle

The Power of Observation vs Assumption

In our daily life it is so easy to hear words, or see a behavior and make an assumption. When we make an assumption, in essence we are drawing a conclusion, however, this does not make our conclusion accurate. Yet, the more vested we get in that conclusion the more evidence may seem to appear in alignment with that conclusion. It is easy to build a picture around the beliefs you have already decided.

What if instead we simply observed. We simply observed the behaviors and words of those around us, without making an assumption. Would more be revealed? Would we then be able to see the truth instead of what we may have been inclined to assume?

Certainly assessing conflict between the words we hear and the actions we see is wise, I call this disconnect an incongruence. Yet how quickly do we decide what the truth is? We all know actions speak louder than words, every time...yet are their times we draw conclusions because of our assumptions rather than seeing what is truly occurring?

It has been my experience that since adopting a more go with the flow and trust perspective on life that my life has exponentially expanded and created experiences I would have otherwise missed. When something seems off or incongruent, meaning something doesn't line up, words and actions seem to be in conflict, I observe, I do not confront. I have no fear of confrontation, but how often do we do so when we are incorrect? As I observe an incongruence, I consider the various potential truths and draw no conclusion...and then I wait for more to be revealed.

This single decision has allowed me to see the many ways that in the past, I had likely sabotaged my own joy. I am grateful to have broken this pattern, heightening my experience of Living Free.

In my book I address this concept in several ways, here is one such rendition:

"As the observer, rather than the controller, you are able to more readily see who someone really is, not who you imagine them to be, or who they tell you they are. From the position of observer it is like you are gathering information in a barrel. Think of it like rain. Each drop of rain that drops in the barrel accumulates with the rain already in the barrel. Eventually, the rain will overflow the barrel, and you will be Awake."

Awake means, seeing the truth before you...allowing you to have more clarity on which steps to take as you move forward. Be the observer, and await as things are revealed to you.

Copyright © 2014 by Diana Iannarone

If this strikes a chord with you, consider buying my book:

Me and My Shadow

Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom.

On Amazon: http://tinyurl.com/Book-and-Kindle