How Willing are We to Accept Ourselves Exactly Where We Are?

So often we diminish ourselves for what we haven't done, or what we have done, or for what we should have said or what we did say. A lifetime of self-talk that diminishes our spirit and we ask ourselves, why can't I seem to get past this place I am in, go beyond here to the next level of joy?

We have answered our own question. We get stuck because we so commonly do not accept ourselves where we are. We do not offer patience, compassion and love to ourselves so that we can embrace our present moment and garner the strength to move through. Instead we grow intolerant, demanding more of ourselves and reminding ourselves we are not good enough...this is especially true if we have been tormented by abuse from others. We damn ourselves for not yet having changed a certain behavior or circumstance. We tell ourselves we should be further along or better off, tearing down further the remnants of our self-esteem. But you see we have the power to change our life at anytime, but the first step is acceptance of ourselves and the present conditions of our life. You can't get where you are going, until  you embrace where you are.

This self-ridicule and harsh intolerance of ourselves is especially true if we have had a pattern of being in abusive situations and relationships. Inside these abusive dynamics we often have moved to a life of vigilance. By this I mean, that we are unconsciously on our guard, cautious about our words, we deny our feelings for fear of setting something off. We walk on the proverbial eggshells, we need to stop that. We are not responsible for the behavior of others, and if it is dangerous or very risky to be who we truly are, then we just might need to change our circumstances. This vigilance is exhausting and draining, and frankly, must cease for us ever truly be free. 

To find your path to freedom and healing, you must gather your strength. This requires some introspection to heighten your awareness about yourself so you can move beyond the present situation.  This is true for each of us.

As I share in my book, Me and My Shadow:

The first step in healing is to offer complete acceptance of yourself, in your frailties, in your addictions, in your negativity, in the exact place you are. Embrace where you are with love.

When have you ever known complete acceptance of you?

Get free and rest, end the life of vigilance. It’s time.

Decide to live this. It takes courage.

Love and acceptance are what we have been striving for all along. We did so by trying to reel it in from the external, when all we needed to do was turn to ourselves. This is your time to give caring and compassion to yourself, so you will know what it feels like and recognize when you are receiving something to the contrary. And as you begin to love and accept yourself as you are, you will see you will receive an abundance of love and acceptance from others. You have always been the teacher of what you deserve. You are the magnet that brings just what you are asking for into your life.

If you have been in abusive situations your whole life, I feel confident stating you have never embraced where you are. You have always pursued perfection. You have always demanded more of yourself. You have always had rigid expectations. You repeatedly reminded yourself that you could be better, you cannot stop, and you cannot rest. You have carried the belief that stamina and endurance were necessary or something bad would happen. You have moved to your head, your mind, you were always thinking and avoiding feeling. We perceived it was safer in our mind than our heart, so we chose to live in that space. We must return to our heart to truly be free.

Yes, I used the word "always," which always carries with it some risk of falsehood. Yet, I chose always intending to reflect adamantly on those words. I long to drive us to look at the frequency with which we push ourselves to be more, do more, often without pausing to see what that incessant use of our stamina and endurance is doing to us. What is happening to our mind, body, emotions and spirit as we drive ourselves in the futile act of appeasing and supporting the needs of others, while often disregarding ourselves?

In my book I suggest imagining the world as a jigsaw puzzle and ask that you visualize that each person on the planet has a singular piece of that puzzle. All that must happen for the world to be at peace, is that each person hold the piece THEY are responsible for and capable of holding. Now of course there are times that people are genuinely unable to do so, but how often do we just take the liberty of carrying the load of another? We do this for a multitude of reasons. Sometimes by choice because we are devoted to controlling others; sometimes because we don't believe they are carrying their piece appropriately and sometimes, many times, we are carrying the responsibilities of others because we have allowed guilt and shame to be utilized to manipulate us to do more and be more. We do so under the illusion that we will gain that seemingly elusive, Love and Acceptance. Through our constant denial of self, we make allowance for our spirit to be diminished. Through this disregard of our suffering, our self-confidence and self-esteem undoubtedly begin to crumble. This crumbling robs of us our strength, our sense of worth, and the knowing that we deeply matter.

So how do we begin to restore that which we have allowed to be siphoned from us? Here is another excerpt to assist in reclaiming what we should never have allowed ourselves to 
lose—ourselves...

In order to rebuild the self-esteem and self-confidence that we have lost over our lifetimes, we must begin to be the parent to ourselves. Who knows what we need better than we do? Remember, we are each holding the hand of the little child inside of us. We must nurture this child until this child knows that we, the adult, can be trusted to take care of him or her. We must build our toolkit and learn how to offer ourselves the love and acceptance that we have been denied. We cannot expect to find external love until we have found it within ourselves.

When our feelings become too much to bear, we stop feeling them and start thinking them. Our emotions move from our hearts to our heads. We feel only our numbness in our hearts. We operate in our mind because of fear. This has been our defense, our default. This is how we "keep it together." We think our feelings by overanalyzing. We replay situations in our minds over and over. We try to strategize, try to control. We end up being frenetic and anxious. Feelings are not meant for the mind, they are meant for the heart.

Allow me to provide you with a useful exercise in moving from your mind to your heart. Sit quietly, inhale and exhale slowly. Release all the tension in every part of your body, your "happy place" can help. Once you do that, imagine a very small version of yourself coming down a ladder from your brain or mind, to your heart. See a little door in front of your heart and consider stepping in.

Some people are too terrified to step in. Pretend there is someone with you, anyone you’d like, even if they don’t really exist, and attempt to walk in. Meet your heart. As you see the contents of your heart, just pour love, however you envision love, on everything you see or feel. Begin to once again embrace the feeling power of your heart.

This is not to discount the power of our minds, they are powerful and necessary parts of who we are. Our hearts are as well. Obtaining congruence between your heart and your mind leads to a congruent, healthy and flowing body, mind, and spirit. If we only use our minds, it is as if we are only using our left hands. We can get things done, but it is difficult with only one hand. Let the other hand join, and our power exponentially increases. Use both hands…mind and heart. Over time, you can use the whole of you, mind, body, and spirit. There is no shame in feeling our emotions in our heart. We no longer need our facade of invulnerability. After all of the time that we have been numb, we may have forgotten how to feel. We may not be aware that we are feeling anything, let alone what those feelings are. We must regain access to our hearts by beginning in the place where we currently are, our minds.

And as we turn inward, we will begin to accept ourselves in our present space. Once we acknowledge our vulnerability, our emotions, our need to not do it alone, something wonderful happens. We enter the path to finding our true power once again. 

Copyright © 2014 by Diana Iannarone

If this strikes a chord with you, consider buying my book:

Me and My Shadow

Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom.

On Amazon: http://tinyurl.com/Book-and-Kindle