Being
free from the abuse, all I could see was that every noble cause and purpose I
thought my life was based on was an illusion. I lived, at many levels, in a
fantasy world, and now all the characters that I fantasized would bring love
and family to my life were evaporated. In reality, they never existed.
How
do you pick up the pieces and move on?
I
not only didn’t know how to take care of myself, I didn’t want to. It was like
sitting in a hole in the ruins of my life; a deep hole. I could even see there
was a rope hanging down the center of that hole. I remember seeing that
imaginary rope, but being unable or unwilling to reach for it. I would not
climb. I had been climbing my whole life only to discover I never really left
the hole. Given that, it seemed wiser and easier and logical to just sit there.
No more throwing ropes, no more reaching for ropes. I will just sit. I was
exhausted, and I was devastated. I had worked so hard only to find myself
alone. Even though I wanted to be free of the abuse, I had forgotten that
without the abuse I would truly be alone.
At
the time, I recall being discouraged that recovery wasn't feeling like the easy
part. I felt I had gotten free and now it should be easy. However, I had to see
and feel the devastation I had so carefully ignored and denied. That part
wasn't easy.
Thankfully,
I would come to understand that compared to the hell I had already lived, this
would actually be the easy part, although it didn't seem so at first. It is the
easy part because now no one else is controlling you, no one else is beating
you down, and no one else is manipulating you. Now, though, you have to contend
with the person who caused you the most pain, the most suffering, the worst
abuser of all—You.
Yes,
the worst abuser of all was who I was left to contend with. A great healer and
friend coined a term for my behavior: “self-sociopath.” By self-sociopath, he
was suggesting that I continually caused or allowed harm to be bestowed on me,
without feeling the need to make it stop. Even at moments when I would decide
to stop the abuse, and believed I should stop the abuse, I would go out and
repeat the same pattern again. Not this time. I had finally broken the pattern.
The "self-sociopath," was now Awake.
I felt these
words were the right words today. They were an excerpt from my book Me and My
Shadow, Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom, and I want to affirm it
is possible, it is possible to climb out of that hole no matter how
insurmountable it may feel. I talk to people everyday just sitting in the space those
words describe. And I know that it is so easy to believe there is no way
out...that hole is too deep, we are too tired, but sometimes we just have to
allow ourselves to sit in that hole and acknowledge that it is the best we can
do today, that we have nothing more to offer, and that is okay. While we sit, we
have to allow ourselves to feel, we mustn't resist experiencing our pain. As we
release our emotions and embrace our suffering with love, we strengthen
ourselves.
I remember
when I was in that hole I was reading "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth
Gilbert, trying to soothe my aching soul. And as I read, in my numbness, in my
weakness, in my inability to climb...I read these words:
“Someday
you're gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of
grieving. You'll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but
your life was changing...”
― Elizabeth Gilbert
― Elizabeth Gilbert
And at that
moment, I suddenly realized, I was grieving, I was grieving the loss of the
dream. It is so hard to wake up to the truth about the delusion we
allowed. But the alternative is to stay
in it...giving your heart and soul, the fullness of yourself into an empty hole
of another that can never be restored...instead sit quietly in the hole that is
the depths of your despair, and soon you will climb out...and be wiser,
stronger, and far more aware.
While you
sit, unable to climb, there will be people who will yell down that hole...some
will tell you to get up, that you are taking too long, that you should have
climbed out already. Some may even ridicule or talk behind your back about how
dramatic you are being or how you should have recovered from this "little
incident," one that they of course have never endured, or they would know,
they would understand. Sometimes, if you are really lucky, someone, jumps down
into that hole with you. They may have nothing to say...they may just hold you,
or perhaps say something that touches your soul and reminds you that your
timing is perfect and they love as you are. If you are lucky enough to have
that gift, then your strength to find your way up that rope may be quicker, but
you do not need that to make it, you need you. You need to remember that you
have the power within you to change your life. You have the power within you to
stand against adversity because you have, time and time again. And once you
restore your brokenness, you will arise with a new awareness, a recognition
that all the while, all your life, all you really had to do, was trust that
knowing, trust that small voice and then use what was once your dormant power,
to Stand.
As Gavin DeBecker says in The
Gift of Fear:
"
'No" is a word that must never be negotiated, because the person who
chooses not to hear it is trying to control you… Declining to hear
"no" is a signal that someone is either seeking control or refusing
to relinquish it."
Five years
ago, when I stepped out of the hole for good, I learned the power of the word
NO...and I live to inspire all people to do the same. Just like in the draught my eight foot deep
lagoon, looked like nothing but a hole, a barren place where there was no life, in
time it was restored to its wondrous beauty with abundant life. WE are
responsible for the quality of our life and the way in which we love and live,
and no one defines us, no one controls us, and no one can diminish us, unless
we allow it. And once we realize this, once we get this, we truly begin to Live
Freely.
In that
regard, this Rascal Flatts video seemed a perfect message to accompany my words
today. We mustn't resolve to the idea
that someone else must "stand by" us, although we all long for and love that...sometimes,
we just have "stand by" ourselves. We can be our own hero. Never forget. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zWykYq_Z13w
Copyright © 2014 by Diana Iannarone
If this strikes a chord with you, consider buying my book:
Me and
My Shadow
Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom.
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